By James Witherspoon
Yo, check this out. I’ve been waiting for that geek, Ken Jennings, to come out of hiding and take on my boy, James Holzhauer. Y’all saw James take care of that strange librarian chick in his last match and got his revenge and now he’s ready to put Jennings and some dude named Brad Rutter on blast. YA HEARD!
On January 7th, we will have a prime time showdown on ABC where the first of these dudes to win three matches, takes the million dollar prize. Now I’m calling it now. My boy, Holzhauer is taking three games in a sweep. Let this be a lesson to all you cellar-dwelling, soy boy, EBT warriors out there. You can get off your fat ass and get a job and make money the honest way instead of being a total leach. YA HEARD!
I caught up with my boy, former American Idol contestant, Taylor Hicks, and asked him for his expertise as a TV star…
“SOUL PATROL! I have to make sure that I have the time available to watch this Jeopardy program considering how high in demand I am. Don’t mind me. I like making jokes. SOUL PATROL! Holzhauer is going to make me proud when he wins and beats that geek, Ken Jennings, who has been sending me dick pics and I’m sick of it! As a former TV sensation that was way more popular than that fat fuck, Ruben Studdard, I know that the three men will have nerves and that may play into this game. At least they don’t have Ryan Seacrest ‘accidentally’ rubbing that little apple ass of his against your crotch backstage. That really fucked my performance on the last show. Thankfully I won. I showed them bitches who had the big dick and balls. SOUL PATROL!”
(Comments may not be those of Taylor Hicks.)
