By Melissa Antoinette Garza
I was really looking forward to this flick. I loved the original TALES FROM THE HOOD (1995). It was one of the horror anthology highlights of the 1990’s, along with BODY BAGS (1993) and TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE: THE MOVIE (1990).
Though I was a bit disappointed that Clarence Williams III was not reprising his role as the narrator, Mr. Simms, I did think Keith David was an excellent choice as a replacement. I love David’s work and if nothing else, he shined in the movie.
Sadly, the intro to Mr. Simms this time around is confusing, overly-complicated and under-explained. Essentially, Dumas Beach (Bill Martin Williams) is this evil white business owner who sexually harasses his secretary, thinks all African Americans are in prison and doesn’t think guys who drug girls to have sex with them qualify as rape. He also hates immigrants and loves talking about patriotism. Beach has invented a robot cop, who has the capability of determining whether someone is going to commit a crime. He wants Simms to tell the robot stories because it learns from life experience and secondhand accounts.
Why did they need to over-complicate the intro so much? None of it makes sense. There was such an easier solution that could have culminated in the same conclusion. It could have started with the robot going rogue and killing a suspect. Beach, worried his business would go under, could have then brought the body to Simms, thinking he would help out with sticky situations and keep it out of the paper. There, you have your silly robots and you have an intro that makes sense instead of having the lead train robots with stories about killer dolls, vampires, possessions and ghosts.
INTRO RATING: 3/10 (KEITH DAVID STILL RULES)
The first tale follows two girls, who look like they are better suited in a new CLUELESS (1995) reboot than a horror movie. The blonde driver Audrey (Alexandria DeBerry) brings her African American best friend Zoe (Jasmine Akakpo) to a museum in hopes of buying an old racist doll named Golliwog.
The girls are told the doll is not for sale. Though they leave, they come back after closing, with Audrey’s brother, to steal the doll. They almost get away with it until Golliwog grows full size and starts killing people.
The end is so contrived and silly. It attempts to explain itself in a way where the lack of depth or insight is actual depth and insight into the stereotypes that have been pushed on African Americans for centuries. I get the point. It was a hammer-to-the-head as the museum owner actually explains it to Golliwog (and the viewers). It was just done so poorly.
There were still some cool visuals and some funny scenes. The acting was fine, but the characters were less than one dimensional. I’ve seen less affected characters in After School Specials.
TALE #1 RATING: 3.5/10
The second tale was pretty good other than pacing. It follows an ex-con who has gone straight and works for charities and aims to give back to his community. A few of his old friends don’t want to hear it and take him hostage. They know he has access to five million dollars and when he refuses to give them the cash, he’s killed.
One of the murderers see a TV program with a psychic who channels spirits. Rather than just stealing from the millionaire psychic, they kidnap the dead guy’s girlfriend, hold her hostage, break into the psychic’s mansion and tells him to do a seance so they can find out where the money is, or they’ll kill the girl and the psychic.
Low and behold, even though the guy was a liar, people the trio killed, jump in the psychic GHOST (1990) style. The right guy finally comes thru, but he has magic powers and can just pummel everyone really easily.
This was a fun short. It wasn’t anything great, but reminded me of old episodes of shows like RAY BRADBURY THEATER (1985) or TALES FROM THE CRYPT (1989).
TALE #2 RATING: 5/10
Vampires! Please for the love of God stop with the sexy female vampires especially when there’s no story to back it up. This short is really a commercial for CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY though it only served to convince me that my life is far better for never playing it.
These two bro-bros go to meet these two beautiful women they met online. While playing the horrible card game, the guys drug the women. Their plan is to videotape themselves raping their dates – because you know, subtlety.
Anyone care to guess what happens? DUN…DUN…DUN…. So they don’t show up on video because they’re vampires and then (SPOILER) they attack and kill the boys.
TALE #3 RATING: 1/10
The last tale is crazy and with some 1960s psychedelic coloring and some haunting music throughout we could have had something great. Though I do appreciate the inclusion of STRANGE FRUIT by Billie Holiday to send the message home, it was once again a hammer to an already very bruised head.
The movie opens with an African American republican councilman, Henry Bradley (Kendrick Cross) who is supporting a very racist candidate for a higher office. Both the actor and the character’s name is Cotton which is ridiculous enough , but with all the not-so-subtle winks and jabs, I just went with what the filmmakers really wanted and called him Colonel Trump. I don’t think he’s like Trump, but the filmmakers did; which is both sad and hilarious.
It’s absolutely ridiculous that Cotton exists in this time-frame within this film. Judging by his age, he grew up in the 60s, so why does he look like a racist Orville Redenbacher?
The political views of filmmakers are mainly inconsequential to me when I watch a film and when they incorporate views, left or right, I really don’t care. That said, the messages conveyed in this tale were done in such a lazy and insulting way that if not for the unintentional comedy, it wouldn’t be worth watching. Considering much of the story pertained to Emmett Till, hilarity isn’t the emotion you want to evoke.
To be fair, the scenes with Till were (for the most part) well done and overall respectful; but the scenes in-between were insane.
Essentially the story is that the ghosts of Till, his mother, Martin Luther King Jr., the 4 little girls from Birmingham, and the three college students that MISSISSIPPI BURNING (1988) was based on, all come to Bradley and tell him that he has to sacrifice himself or they will make it so they didn’t die. Essentially, if their sacrifice doesn’t mean anything, they’re taking it back. He gets a glimpse of what that would be like, TWILIGHT ZONE MOVIE (1983) style, though thankfully no helicopters were used! The Klan are in complete control, his wife who is white is now claiming their unborn child was a result of rape, and essentially the shit just hits the fan.
This tale was interesting, funny and at times not terrible; but Cotton’s tag-line was something like, “Bringing Mississippi Back.” Come on, do better!
TALE #4 RATING: 4/10
The ending is both completely predictable and absolutely insane. There is a running red, white and blue robot that shoots lasers at a racist, pro-rape, misogynistic jerk while Keith David goes full-on Satan, so if that’s not something to watch for, I don’t know what is.
WRAPAROUND RATING: 7/10 (I LIKE BATSHIT CRAZY)
Now, if you are a conservative or a republican, you may take offense to this film. Without question it was meant to offend you and to speak to their base. As I SERVE NO MASTERS and I just went in to enjoy it, I did find a lot of fun with the film. I think it wanted to have the same impact or at least gain the same fan-base as GET OUT (2017), but it just missed the mark.
I’d say skip buying it, but grab it out of a REDBOX if you get the chance. It’s worth a watch and worth making fun of, but just know you’re not going to find any deep meaning or nuanced points of contention. Everything is in your face, no holds barred, for better or for worse – and sadly usually for worse.
OVERALL RATING: 4.5/10
