By Melissa Antoinette Garza

With everyone panicked about the Coronavirus, I decided to venture into a film that would make the end of the world seem like an improvement. Cue the newest remake of BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019).

The movie opens with Lindsay (Lucy Currey) leaving campus to go to her grandmother’s house for Christmas. Her sorority sister Oona (Zoe Robins) calls her saying that she was Lindsay’s Secret Santa. Oona got her a vibrator for Christmas, and comments “now, you don’t even need a man” which sets the tone for the rest of this abomination. Hey, if owning vibes makes you empowered just call me Simone de Beauvoir.

After she hangs up with Oona, Lindsay gets a creepy text message from a number masquerading as the long dead, college founder, Calvin Hawthorne. When the text comes, a pic of Hawthorne’s statue generates on her phone, leading me to believe that the culprit hacks into the contacts, adds their name, number, picture and then texts them. Why, you ask? Well, because the filmmakers are complete morons, that’s why.

“Hawthorne” texts something like, “Imma make you squeal. I’m a man and men are evil, blah blah blah.” Out of nowhere, a dude shows up in a robe and mask. The chase is on – for a few seconds. Lindsay runs to a nearby house but another one of those fuckers in the robe answers. He pounces on her and as he kills her, she makes snow angels. Sure, why the fuck not? That’s a natural reaction, right?

After Lindsay is killed, we shift to a different sorority. Riley (Imogen Poots) is our lead protagonist. She’s an orphan without a Daddy Warbucks, not that she would want one. In her world, all men are disgusting, sexual harassers, who are hellbent on raping and killing. In fact, Riley herself was raped three years prior, by frat boy Brian (Ryan McIntyre). After the rape, no one believed her and the school took his side. Even now, fraternity brothers continue to get enjoyment out of harassing her.

The horrible men are not restricted to students. Professor Gelson (Cary Elwes) is equally detestable, but I like Gelson. Riley’s sorority wenches keep trying to get the teach fired because his curriculum is mostly made up of “white male authors.”

Go start your book burning and leave Westley alone. He’s been thru enough! He fought Andre the Giant! Give that man some respect!

Gelson gets the upper-hand when he has Riley read a book in class that she thinks is by a male writer. Stop with the stereotypes, Riley. A chick wrote that book! What now, mofo?

Gelson calls her out on her bullshit, and then makes a very odd statement. He assures the class that there is no nefarious plot on campus. Without being asked, he states, “there are no covert meetings where men discuss how to bury women.” A bit forthcoming of him, but I’ll take it. Let’s end this shit-show. Roll the end credits!

No? I’m not getting off that easy? Dammit.

So bitch #2, sorority sis Kris (Aleyse Shannon) is standing outside school buildings and harassing people to sign the petition ousting poor Gelson. I swear, Jigsaw treated him better.

This isn’t the first time Kris took a stand against the patriarchy. She also had a statue of Hawthorne moved from outside into a frat house so she didn’t have to see it.

For some reason, Riley and sorority sis Marty (Lily Donoghue) haven’t heard the full story of Hawthorne despite Kris’s passionate and successful campaign to have the statue bust removed. In lazy and tired exposition, Kris tells them that Hawthorne was a racist, sexist, slave-owning, woman-killing occultist who sacrificed those he killed to pagan gods. I feel like I just filled out the world’s longest and worst Mad Libs, but sadly that’s the plot.

Meanwhile, Riley is romantically pursued by boring Landon (Caleb Eberhardt). I hate Landon. Fuck that guy. He’s supposed to be the anti-alpha male. He’s a caricature of what man-haters claim they want to see in men.

He’s a geek. He has no opinions of his own. He is silent unless spoken to. When he sees Riley bloodied and attacked, he softly says “May I help you? What can I do to help you?” like a goddamn customer service rep. If a female character was written the way Landon was, people would assume she had Battered Wife Syndrome. Maybe that’s it. Maybe, Landon was in an abusive relationship with some whack-job and he hasn’t learned to love himself yet. If he didn’t suck so hard, I’d feel bad for him.

Later in the evening, Riley decides to attend a Christmas frat party. Kris and Marty offer to skip it since Brian will be in attendance. To put it mildly, Riley’s response is surprising. She says, “it was 3 years ago. What’s the worst thing that can happen?” Umm….what?

If a friend of mine came to me and said, “Hey, there’s a party tomorrow that I want to go to, but I was raped by the host a few years back.” I would say, “We’ll go there to castrate the motherfucker, but we are NOT staying for refreshments.”

Her sisters have a different approach. They dress in sexy Santa costumes reminiscent of the ones from MEAN GIRLS (2004), and are ready to party.

When Riley notices their friend Helena (Madeleine Adams) is missing, she ventures into the frat halls solo to find her. Her girlfriends let her! Super Feminist, Kris sits on her ass as her sorority sister and best friend who was raped wanders the house she was raped in, alone! Kris is a hypocritical wench without a working brain cell.

All of the past and present fraternity presidents have portraits on the wall. Riley gets unnerved when she sees Brian’s picture up, but keeps going. She opens a door to find the new pledges being sworn in. On the table is Hawthorne’s bust that is leaking black goo. I don’t know. At this point, do you even fucking care? It’s black, hypnotic goo that gives men headaches when they’re not sexist. Fucking hell! Bob Clark is rolling in his grave right now!

Riley abandons that door and instead goes into the room where Helena is about to be date raped because OF COURSE she is. The frat boy goes thru the laundry list of everyone’s favorite LIFETIME Movie insults. He calls her a “tease,” and says “you’re all the same” etc. etc. God, this movie is bad.

Helena goes home after getting sick and Riley takes her place in a strange singing routine they do which is about the frat boys being rapists. It really wouldn’t have worked had Riley not been in the number, so I don’t know what the hell would have happened had Helena not mixed vodka and tequila. Nothing makes sense in this! I hate it and this is only thirty minutes in! It feels like I’ve been watching this for ten years.

At least, the deaths start accumulating – not that we see them. PG-13, ladies and gents. Enjoy it.

Other than Gelson, there is one other solid character in this film. There’s a white kitty and she’s adorable. Imma love it. I want to pet and cuddle it. I wish that cat was the killer and went nuts on the skanks because she got sick of their shit.

I’d watch a movie called Bad Kitty: Sorority Bitch Killer with the tagline, “She’ll Claw Your Eyes Out.” I wish I was watching that now. Someone make it for me.

Meanwhile, in the atrocity I did watch, nothing happens in the second act. Nothing really happens in the first or third either though, so at least it’s consistent.

The girls debate whether to report their sorority sis missing just as Riley starts getting texts from “Calvin Hawthorne.” She goes to a cop who is a complete asshole. After all, the officer is a man and if this movie has taught us anything it is that all men, unless absolutely boring and useless, are douche-bags.

They even tried to make Marty’s boyfriend Nate (Simon Mead) into a bad guy. He’s supposed to be a representation of toxic masculinity, but he’s legit the only person in the film that talks any sense. He’s just a nice guy who gets sick of Kris’s bullshit. He helps them from jump. He even records their stupid little song and dance. Then, he gets jumped on for merely suggesting that not all men are rapists. Kris yammers “Did you just ‘not all men’ me!” I yelled at my TV, “yeah ya’ bitch, he did and good for fucking him!” 

Seriously, Marty is an idiot. She should have ran off with Nate and far away from that goddamn sorority, but instead she throws a tantrum because he tells her to calm down. She needed to calm the fuck down. Kris was 100% in the wrong. She trivialized his frustration and feelings, wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise and scoffed at his opinions. Rather than standing up for her man and telling her friend to back the fuck off, Marty folds like a blanket and jumps on Nate too. Nate deserved so much better. In his next life may he find a sexy, smart fem with big tits and a killer disposition.

Marty kicks Nate out after he calls her “hysterical.” She was. He could have called her far worse and been justified, but for those who don’t know, hysterical is a code-word. Many women who misunderstand feminism, feel that phrases like “calm down” or “you’re hysterical” are used to diminish the emotions of women. Honestly, some scumbag men do use words like that to push their spouses down and likewise some awful women will say horrendous things to discount men. I’ve seen women poke fun at their partners’ opinions, call into question their manhood and say every snide remark that they can think of. Some people, regardless of gender, suck. That said, sometimes bitches are hysterical and Marty was one hysterical bitch.

Of course, the movie can’t admit that. Women do nearly no wrong (except for one who is a sellout) in this flick. Instead the film’s logical explanation is that Nate was essentially hypnotized by a nefarious group into having an opinion, wanting to keep his girlfriend safe and standing up for himself. The message is that those qualities are both sexist and negative. Real life spoiler alert, they’re not.

Now, men are not obligated to defend their fem’s honor. Not every gal is a damsel-in-distress, but I will not pretend that honorable actions are dishonorable because some shitty ass movie that doesn’t understand feminism says so. BLACK CHRISTMAS 2019, you can go fuck yourself.

When the group of sorority sisters are attacked, I want them all to die. I don’t like any of them. They’re all do-nothing, soap-boxers that make the lives of everyone around them miserable. Riley wouldn’t be so bad if she chose a better group of fems to hang with, but she is complicit. She doesn’t stand up for Nate at all. She jumps on all of Kris’s bandwagons regardless if they have merit or not.

Sadly, the girls don’t all die. They fight back hardcore because someone somewhere said that women can’t and this movie wanted to prove that notion wrong. They could have focused on just making a good film with strong female protagonists, but then they couldn’t enlighten that one dude with a Confederate Flag bumper sticker and the ‘make me a sammich, bitch‘ t-shirt. How very noble of the filmmakers!

BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019) is tedious and pointless. The conclusion is laughably absurd.

Shame on Sophia Takal and April Wolfe for this bullshit! Any horror fan with a brain in their head can see that the original BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) was a progressive and feminist film. The women were strong, smart and decisive. Margot Kidder’s character Barb was a sassy, foul-mouthed drunk who didn’t give a fuck. Olivia Hussey’s Jess stood up to her boyfriend at every turn and had serious conversations regarding her rights to an abortion.

The difference is that Clark’s BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) didn’t feel the need to make men evil to show that women are strong. He understood that the amazing qualities of women shined completely independent of men, and took nothing away from them. Takal and Wolfe’s approach is backwards and regressive. If the only way you can depict self-sufficient, powerhouse fems is to insult, degrade and humiliate men, you’re doing feminism wrong. Taking constant potshots at guys isn’t enough to make a cohesive statement, never mind a cohesive movie. I’m glad this failed as badly as it did.

God how, I miss Bob Clark. Don’t even waste a free rental from REDBOX on this noise. Just throw on the original and enjoy Olivia Hussey! That’s what I want to do.

Scared Stiff Rating: 1/10

(1 point for Cary Elwes and the kitty)

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The Invisible Man is a dick! Fuck him. I hate that guy. He’s a rich geeky bitch with a bad temper. Imma want to punch him in his oddly shaped head.

I’ll start at the beginning because that’s usually the best place to start, MEMENTO (2000) notwithstanding. THE INVISIBLE MAN opens with domestic abuse victim Cecilia Kass (Elisabeth Moss) drugging and leaving her very wealthy and very violent boyfriend Adrian Griffin (Oliver Jackson-Cohen). In my opinion, she wasted Valium on him. I would’ve hit him over the head with a shovel and kept the Diazepam for a rainy day, but that’s just me. Instead, she gently gets out of bed and tiptoes to her bag and grabs a few essentials before getting away. She’s nearly caught when a car alarm is set off, but she still is able to escape.

Sadly, she doesn’t take her dog though she does remove his electronic collar so that he can escape dip-shit. I have to admit, she lost some sympathy points from me for not taking that pup. That little guy was loyal and helped her out of some rough spots. She could’ve grabbed him, but I understand she was freaking out and didn’t know where she’d end up. Still, grab the damn dog! Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart. You’re shaking my confidence, daily!

Her sis Emily (Harriet Dyer) picks her up just as Adrian comes running out to the car to try to stop her. Em brings Cecilia to a cop buddy she knows and is good friends with.

Officer James Lanier (Aldis Hodge) is a single father raising his teen daughter Sydney (Storm Reid), but he’s a great guy and ready to help. He invites Cecilia to stay at his house so that Adrian can’t find her.

Initially, Cecilia is a mess. She can’t step outside without freaking out every time a person runs by her as she fears it’s her rich-bitch ex. She’s not paranoid though. Psycho boy is a fucking stalker.

When Em shows, Cecilia panics. She’s sure Adrian will soon follow, but instead her sis delivers some good news. Ding Dong the Dick-wad is dead!

Celebrate good times, come on! Let’s Celebrate!

Cecilia is called into Attorney Tom Griffin’s (Michael Dorman) office. Tom is Adrian’s brother and was in charge of delivering the details regarding his bro’s estate. Don’t get excited. He’s a shithead too, but he is far hotter than his brother. I was admittedly torn. I knew Tom was a dirty scumbag, but my vagina kind of dug him.

Tom gives a little speech about how chicks dated Adrian for his loot, and then tells Cecilia that she was left a cool 5 mil. The money will be doled out in $100K installments as long as she doesn’t end up in prison or a psych ward. If that happens, the green goes to Tom.

Cecilia finds a bit of peace and connects with both James and Sydney. She buys gifts for them and even starts an account for Syd to go to college. All in all, Cecilia is a good dame. If not for leaving the dog behind, Imma would totes have her back.

Soon, weird shit starts going down. A stove catches fire when she leaves the room momentarily, despite the flame being too low. Paperwork that was in her bag for a job interview goes missing, and she’s drugged with the same Valium she dropped outside of Adrian’s after slipping him some. When the bottle resurfaces, she determines that the mofo with the tiny dick faked his death.

She asks James to visit Tom with her, but doesn’t tell him why. She begs the attorney to stop Adrian, but Tom assures her that it’s all in her head. He says that he knows how abusive his bro was and pleads with Cecilia to get over it. She replies, “RAWR RAWR Attorney Tom – imma get over Adrian if I can get under you!” Okay, she didn’t say that. She should have though. Tom is a sexy motherfucker.

Soon, James and Syd lose their patience with Cecilia. They think the chick lost her marbles and they ask her to leave. When she visits Em for help, she gets the door slammed in her face too. The Invisible Douche hacked her email and sent one to her sis saying all sorts of horrible stupid shit. Cecilia swears that she didn’t send it, but Emily is d-o-n-e, done!

Desperate to prove she’s not crazy, Cecilia goes back to Adrian’s house. You know who is waiting at his house – the poor abandoned doggie. He’s so happy to see Cecilia too. He even defends her when bitch-boy starts knocking her around. Cecilia can’t see where the punches are coming from, but the pup can sense it and guards her. He deserved so much better than those humans!

Before Adrian fucks her up a bit, she is able to find the suit he uses to make himself invisible. She tries to get it out of the house but when she’s attacked, the feat is impossible.

The whole event pisses Adrian off more and he starts targeting the people Cecilia cares about. Someone needs to smash that shithead in the face!

Soon, Cecilia is suspected of murder and arrested. That said, she’s not easily defeated and the former couple eventually come face-to-face in a tense showdown.

THE INVISIBLE MAN was splendid! I loved it. From the first few moments, my heart was racing. Moss really sold herself as a domestic violence survivor. She starts off as a woman who was beaten down so much that she doubts every move she makes. For so long, Adrian picked out her clothing, dictated what their conversations were, where she could go, who she could go with and even what she thought. Her mind was no longer her own and she had to fight tooth-and-nail to get it back. He got off on making her feel stupid and insane. He used violence, threats and insults to control her, and it worked for a very long time.

When she got away, she was able to slowly regain her autonomy. She saw the strength and confidence of her sister and wanted that for herself, too. When there was no one left to protect or shield her, she didn’t give up. She found the tenacity and perseverance to fight back. When she did, it no longer mattered who believed what she said because she believed in herself. She knew she wasn’t insane and she knew what she had to do to stop her fuck-wit ex.

Every actor did a phenomenal job. Jackson-Cohen was superb at making me hate Adrian’s guts. From moment one, I wanted him suffocated with a pillow.

Aldis Hodge was fab as the good cop. He was the necessary “NOT ALL MEN” character but gave James so much more depth than just being that. The affection, care and consideration Lanier shows for both Syd and Cecilia is so genuine and chemistry-driven that it solidifies a bond not only between the people on the screen, but between James and the audience, as well. Outside of Cecilia, he is by far the person the viewers care most about.

I highly suggest this flick. It’s SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY (1991) and ENOUGH (2002) meets a far better version of THE HOLLOW MAN (2000). Though many moments are predictable, they are also very satisfying. There were a few decent surprises, but the movie is not made for shock value. I appreciate that. This film told a simple story that has been done before, but added some new things that worked extremely well.

Scared Stiff Rating: 7.5/10

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By Melissa Antoinette Garza

I had wanted to see JOJO RABBIT (2019) since it was released. The trailers looked very promising, and I’m a huge fan of Sam Rockwell. I’ve heard nothing but good things, and was certain I was in for a stellar film. I was not disappointed.

The movie opens with 9-year-old German boy Jojo, who is a devoted Nazi youth during World War II. He wholeheartedly believes in Adolf Hitler, the Nazi party and all the propaganda that the government spews. His highest hope is to be the eventual security detail for Hitler, himself.

While being trained for war, Jojo is harassed by older Nazis because he refuses to kill a rabbit. He tries to prove how tough he is by running with an explosive, but only ends up badly scarring his face and causing severe trauma to his leg. This ruins his aspirations and he ends up posting fliers for the Nazis, instead of being trained in combat.

His mother Rosie (Scarlett Johansson) sees the atrocities being committed by the Nazis and is appalled. She acts the part of a supportive German woman, but secretly hides Elsa (Thomasin McKenzie), a 17-year-old Jewish girl in her house, unbeknownst to Jojo. Elsa lives behind a wall and stays there in hopes of not being found.

Knowing how horrible the government is, Rosie does her best to ensure that Jojo does not fully lose his conscience. At one point, she forces him to look at the dead bodies of those deemed as traitors that the Nazis hanged in public square.

Sadly, by this time, Jojo is fully brainwashed. He considers Hitler (Taika Waititi) his best friend and even imagines entire conversations with him. Adolf is his imaginary pal, and in the beginning Jojo would do anything to please him.

After being injured, Jojo is home quite a bit more. He ends up discovering Elsa and is terrified. He has heard so many falsehoods about the Jewish people and believes every single one of them. Elsa plays on those a bit to ensure her safety and that he won’t tell.

They make an arrangement and both promise silence, but Jojo is still wary of Elsa. Slowly, the two form a friendship and at an equally slow pace, Jojo begins to realize how much his country is lying to him.

In so many ways, the awakening of Jojo is relatable. I remember when I first learned of COINTELPRO, The Tuskegee Experiment, MK-Ultra, the Pentagon Papers, etc. etc. etc. I was very young, but completely confused at how selfishness and greed could lead to atrocities and genocide. Despite growing older and understanding far more than I did as a child, I can say that confusion has not gone away.

It is difficult for anyone who believed in the transparency and honesty of their government to be faced with a truth far different than the one being told. Regardless of age, there is a youthful, earnest naivete that is forever lost, upon that realization. That is the story we see with Jojo, and his blind faith in the Nazi party.

The evolution is sad, complicated but also uplifting and promising of a better day. People often cheer for their country or their politicians the way one cheers at a sports’ event. Opposing forces are our collective enemy regardless of how right or wrong our government’s actions are. That’s not a solid foundation for thought, love, compassion or even victory. It’s the mindset of a hopeless romantic in a one-way relationship with an abusive spouse that doesn’t give a fuck. To successfully leave that mindset one must learn what real love is – and for Jojo that was Elsa.

Elsa was the smoking gun evidence that Hitler was a liar. Her disposition, personality, kindness and integrity was enough to show Jojo that everything he had been told was a lie. Jojo realized the Nazis true colors when he saw that those being slaughtered were actually people – something he hadn’t considered when he viewed them as demons and devils and such.

I can’t suggest JOJO RABBIT enough. There are moments that are laugh-out-loud funny and some that are so gut-wrenchingly sad they cause physical pain. Still, it’s a must-see film.

The acting is superb. Scarlett Johansson was fantastic in the role of Rosie. The character is a complicated one as she loves her son, but hates everything he stands for. Johansson expertly walked the fine line of expressing both contempt for Jojo’s vile beliefs while displaying the heartfelt affection she feels for him.

Sam Rockwell, as always was beyond brilliant. He portrayed Captain Klenzendorf, a wounded Nazi forced to work with children due to his injury. He desperately wants to be on the front lines and to be fighting for Germany. That said, he isn’t a one-note character. He does have a genuinely kind side to him which isn’t fully shown until the final scenes of the film. Some may express anger towards this character because of his depth. Many times, people want their villains to be all bad and without a single positive attribute. Sadly, that’s not real life. Real life is complicated and sometimes those who commit the most heinous and vile crimes, do have odd soft spots or moments of clarity and redemption. It would have been far easier to make Kelnzendorf a comedy relief villain and nothing else. Writer/Director Taika Waititi took the far more difficult route and as a result made one of the most compelling characters in movies for quite some time.

Speaking of Taika Waititi, he was amazing as Adolf. He made certain to show the absurdity of Hitler. The tone was rightfully one of condemnation and disgust though shown in an often hilarious way. It was reminiscent of Charlie Chaplin as Adenoid Hynkel in THE GREAT DICTATOR (1940). Depicting Adolf as a joke doesn’t take away from the magnitude of what he had done. It’s actually a sleight against him. It’s a way to be sure that an evil scumbag who demanded respect, receives none. Waititi’s performance highlighted Hitler’s focus on unquestioned conformity, dangerous amounts of power and the way he used deception and dishonesty to attain both.

Thomasin McKenzie also did a spectacular job. She easily captures the viewers hearts. The safety of Elsa becomes paramount to the audience from the first moment she is on-screen. McKenzie is extremely likable in the role and shows Elsa’s perseverance and strength with every scene. Even when the character is rightfully panicked, there’s an underlying bad-ass fem approach McKenzie takes with Elsa that makes her a powerhouse to be reckoned with. She’s young, sad and desperate, but it was because of that desperation and sadness, that she was forced to give up her childhood too quickly. As such, there’s a protective nature she invokes in everyone watching.

Bringing it all together is Roman Griffin Davis as young Jojo. What a phenomenal young actor this boy is! The casting was so spot on. The movie needed someone who could spew bigotry, yet remain sympathetic. Davis pulls this off. He made it easy to see how Jojo could get swept up in the rhetoric and was just a confused child. The immaturity and fear that Davis exhibited told the story as much as the dialogue. His emotional performance will stick with me for a very long while, and I am looking forward to following his future projects.

There were also welcome appearances by Rebel Wilson and Stephen Merchant, who both contributed quite a bit in the short time they were on.

In the end, it’s a difficult and emotional film, but very much worth it. The re-watchability is off the charts, so Imma suggest you buy this rather than rent it.

Scared Stiff Rating: 9/10

The post Jojo Rabbit (2019) – Movie Review [Sam Rockwell, Scarlett Johansson, Roman Griffin Davis, Thomasin McKenzie, Taika Waititi] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

I saw this movie a few nights back when it was still called BIRDS OF PREY AND THE FANTABULOUS EMANCIPATION OF ONE HARLEY QUINN (2020). To be completely honest, I wasn’t as excited as one would expect me to be to see the film. Don’t get me wrong – I love Harley Quinn. Paul Dini and Bruce Timm are Gods and their creation is one of the greatest characters in the history of both comic books and animated series.

That said, Amanda Conner’s Harley Quinn comics are god awful. Conner has ruined the core of Quinn and made her a carbon copy of so many other bad girls. She had devolved into an empty, soulless, caricature that relies on quirk alone. Conner really just needs to take some time off of writing and read some Paul Dini, Bruce Timm and even the amazing new HARLEEN series by Stjepan Sejic. Sejic knows how to write! Please someone just take the pen out of Conner’s hand.

Say what you will about SUICIDE SQUAD (2016), I fucking loved it. It was all over the place and inconsistent in more than a few areas, but Harley Quinn was portrayed as the Stockholm Syndrome, devoted, layered crackpot undoubtedly spawned out of Dini and Timm’s original fab vision.

HARLEY QUINN: BIRDS OF PREY went the other way. They ran with Conner’s take. To be fair, the film is far better than anything Conner ever did in her life, but it could have been so much better.

That said, it is a fun popcorn movie. It has some cool visuals and a solid story-line. The pace and tone run far more fluidly than in SUICIDE SQUAD, but that’s where the superiority ends.

Harley is empty. Her motives don’t make sense. She’s lost her identity and though the film acknowledges this in the beginning, it acts as though she finds one. She never does. She’s as soulless and incomplete a character as when the film started.

The story-line would have been far superior if Poison Ivy or Catwoman had led the pack. It could have even spawned an eventual SIRENS film. Harley just doesn’t make sense.

Now, I wanted my Mad Love movie. I wanted Jared Leto’s Joker and Margot Robbie’s Harley to have a strong R-rated violent, action packed fuck-fest reminiscent of THE GETAWAY (1972), TRUE ROMANCE (1993), WILD AT HEART (1990), BADLANDS (1973) and BONNIE AND CLYDE (1967).

In an interview, Robbie recently pondered why anyone would want Harley in an abusive relationship with the Joker. I’d like to answer that. First, it’s fiction and women are smart enough to know the difference between what they want in film and what they want in reality. It’s the difference between role-playing in the bedroom and having a dungeon with sex slaves. Movies are playtime. Not too many fems are going to hold up a police station because Harley did it.

Second, it isn’t the abuse that is intriguing. It’s Harley’s mindset that draws the viewer in. It’s what propels her into it. It’s her inclinations and motivations. It is the fact that the best parts of Harley – her nurturing, loving and compassionate side – brings out the absolute worst in her. Those wonderful attributes are the catalyst for her turning from a psychiatrist on the road to success into a hardened criminal who is ready to kill or die for love. If the Joker treated her properly and did not manipulate her, the entire story is lost and so is Harley’s depth.

Harleen turned into Harley Quinn for the Joker. She jumped into a vat of chemicals just to look like him and to prove her loyalty. That’s insane, but so much fun to watch. It’s a rush – but Hollywood, honey – it’s not life-changing. Women don’t need to be protected by you. You can depict insanity and most of us are going to realize that though it is amazing fun on film, it would be very fucked up in real life.

I love TRUE ROMANCE, but I promise you I’ll never try to buy weed off Gary Oldman. I get that he’s acting – unless, does Gary Oldman sell weed? Nahhhhh-

Another component to remember is that Harley isn’t an innocent in any of this. Yes, she is taken in by Stockholm Syndrome. Yes, her love for the Joker blinds her to a lot, but she is a murderer. She kills people. Let’s not pretend she’s a damsel-in-distress. We are not talking about Farrah Fawcett in THE BURNING BED (1984) for God’s sake! Just take a breath Hollywood! Stop trying to teach us lessons and protect us – and simply tell a fucking story! If nothing else, let JOKER (2019) teach you that!

So instead of my hot-and-heavy, wild ride that would have been Mad Love, we have HARLEY QUINN: BIRDS OF PREY.

The film opens with Harley (Margot Robbie) announcing that she and the Joker split. She hasn’t told the rest of Gotham yet as she likes the perks that come with being Mistah J’s gal. She overhears a few gals who do know what’s going on with her and the Joker. They are talking mad shit which rightfully upsets her. She tears off a gold chain with a “J” charm  and then goes and blows up one of her old hangouts with the ex. Now, the scene with the explosion was fun. Harley was entertaining when she got the idea and the execution was cute.

Meanwhile, sleazy club owner Roman Sionis (Ewan McGregor) hates Harley and wants her dead. The only reason he hasn’t killed her yet is because he believes that she’s still dating the Joker. When he finds out she isn’t, he kidnaps her and is ready to kill her. She tells him she’ll find his missing diamond if he lets her go, and he does giving her a 24 hour deadline.

The diamond is in the hands – or more accurately the stomach of young Cassandra Cain (Ella Jay Basco). Baby Bat Girl/Black Bat hasn’t found her alter egos yet. She’s just a foster kid who lives with abusive douche-bags. She also can pickpocket like a mofo. When she gets the diamond and is arrested, she swallows it whole as to not get caught.

Harley tracks down Cain and the two become friends. She works to get the diamond out of her with laxatives while they watch cartoons on Harley’s couch. In one of the worst scenes of the movie, Harley runs out of options and nearly turns Cain over to Roman knowing it’s a death sentence for the young girl. That’s not Harley. She wouldn’t do that! In fact, if the Joker was going to do that, she’d hurt him. If you want to see Harley stand up to the Joker, have him hurt a child or Bud and Lou. (I don’t give a fuck, Bruce is not the name of either of her hyenas no matter how much you want it to be! “He’s named after that Wayne guy” – oh fuck right off!)

Renee Montoya (Rosie Perez) is a police officer who wants to take Roman down, but her male counterparts keep holding her back. The captain steals her successes, but makes her own every failure. It’s a man’s world and she’s living in it. As such, she drinks like a fish to deal with the bullshit.

Also, in this power pack of fems is Dinah Lance (Jurnee Smollett-Bell). She is by far the shining star of the film. She’s a hardcore Black Canary that tries to keep her head down but is ready to pound a bitch if pushed too far.

The weakest link and someone I constantly forget was even in the film is Helena Bertinelli aka The Huntress (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). For someone who has such a kick-ass backstory, the chick looks eternally bored throughout her performance. There’s stoic and then there’s an empty caricature. The Huntress falls into the latter category.

Helena watched her family get wiped out by a bunch of people as a little girl. She was found alive and adopted by an assassin. They trained her like the Karate Kid but with a more homicidal approach. Now, as an adult she is seeking out those who slaughtered her family. It’s an old-fashioned revenge tale and it seems like something that should capture the attention of the viewer. It doesn’t though. She seems unmoved by the death of her family. If not for her physically killing the people who assassinated them, I wouldn’t even know she was upset about it. I know we don’t want women to show emotion in films anymore, but when it is in regards to the death of an entire family, it’s okay Hollywood. Despite what The Four Seasons have sung to you, big girls can cry!

The older death scenes are filmed with this strange boring sepia tone over it. It’s like they were trying to capture the tone of THE GODFATHER (1972) in a movie that is more like THOR RAGNAROK (2017) meets TANK GIRL (1995). That was definitely a core problem. The film didn’t know what lane it wanted to drive in.

Did it want to tell the story of a stable of women who banded together and fought against a villain? Yes. Sometimes they hit with it and I saw chemistry between the gals, but sometimes it was just a group of individuals hitting dudes with baseball bats and other fancy weaponry.

Did it want to deliver social messages regarding sexism and the patriarchy? Yes and it did so like a hammer to the head. Thank you, BIRDS OF PREY. I now know sexism is bad. I’m totally going to be more aware of it now. First I’m hearing of it- Really. Thank you!

Did it want to show that women were strong and capable and don’t need a man to be happy? Yes, and it failed at that. None of these women looked happy – at all. Even after the men were out of their lives. Maybe, it wasn’t just the men causing them torment. Maybe they need some Zoloft or better looking clothes.

Seriously, what in the holy fuck was with that gold jumper that Harley was wearing? Come on! Come the fuck on! Come on! Bring back the goddamn fishnets. Since when is it a crime for fems to be sexy? Should we get a tiny little Thor without muscle tone wearing an over-sized mu-mu too? Sexy isn’t a chick thing! It’s a Hollywood thing and I fucking love it. Imma want Tom Hiddleston naked all the time! Don’t cover him up. I want Loki to wear less! Stop pretending puritanical bullshit is female empowerment. It’s not. It’s sexism. Stop telling fems what to wear and how much they have to cover up. It’s our fucking bodies, we’ll wear and NOT wear what we want to. We don’t need Hollywood telling us to hide ourselves, you bunch of body-shaming motherfuckers.

As for BIRDS OF PREY, it tried to do a lot of things and again it wasn’t horrible. It’s definitely more watchable than AQUAMAN (2018).

That’s said, I’m not at all surprised it’s failing. There are things within the movie that Harley Quinn does, but is completely out of character for her. If she overheard people talking trash about her, she wouldn’t cry in the bushes. She’d fuck the bitches up and then cry in the bushes.

She definitely wouldn’t agree to kill a child to save herself. She may adopt the child and fuck them up with hypnosis to make sure they remain on her side – but she’s no snitch. It’s not her thing. When she cares about someone, she will stay thru thick-and-thin. Loyalty and devotion have always been significant to her. Even in SUICIDE SQUAD (2016), she was a team-player who put her life on the line to save her friends. It’s embedded in her soul. To take that away shows that the filmmakers didn’t have a good grasp on the core character.

Also, if an old dude who she thought was her friend fucked her for a dime, she’d kill the bastard. She wouldn’t let him skate with an apology and a tear. It’s as though the film didn’t recognize where her strengths and weaknesses were and instead made her a nonsensical joke without any direction. That’s sad, and that’s why the film is doing so poorly.

Harley Quinn is beloved by a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. There are those who want her running solo. There are those like my best friend who want her draped around Poison Ivy. There are those who want her only with the Joker – and then there’s me who thinks there is room enough for everyone in that bed. Hey Ivy, Mister J isn’t all that bad. Jump onboard into their Mad Love. You’ll enjoy the ride – and if Hollywood ever dared make that movie, trust me when I say the Joker would not be the one in control. Ivy would wipe the floor with him. The Joker is my favorite – always will be, but I recognize a fem goddess when I see one and Poison Ivy always has his number.

In the end, we of course have the showdown. It’s the fems against Roman and a gang of peeps he brought together. No real surprises there. The initial take-down of his men was a fun watch, but the battle with Roman was nothing. I was surprised at how shallow that finale was.

Should you go see it? I’d wait for Redbox on this one unless you are a hardcore Robbie fan. She does her best to sell it. The woman is a dynamite actress and I love her, but she just got fucked with a mediocre script and filmmakers more intent on sending a message than making a movie. That never works.

That said, it’s watchable. If you’re out and there’s nothing to see, this isn’t the worst way to spend a Sunday afternoon. You’ll walk away thinking, “Not bad. Could have been a lot better.” Do you want to spend $10 for that? That’s up to you, buttercup. It depends on your wallet size and your level of boredom.

Scared Stiff Rating: 6/10

Give me my goddamn live action MAD LOVE movie – Thank you!

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I have always had a soft spot in my heart for Sonny Bono.  When I was little, reruns of THE SONNY & CHER COMEDY HOUR (1971) would be on every morning before school. I loved everything from the colorful cartoon beginning, to the initial songs Sonny and Cher would sing, to the marvelous and hilarious banter between the two, to the ridiculous sketches and fabulous guest stars.   

There was such affection and love between the married duo. It was an insight into their lives that viewers rarely ever saw with any other of Hollywood’s IT couples. Though the show is brilliantly written and side-splittingly funny, there was also a genuineness and moments of spontaneity that captured the minds and hearts of millions.  It’s the reason the show stole my heart nearly 20 years after it aired and why now even at almost 50 years since its debut, the show is still in such high demand. 

THE SONNY AND CHER COMEDY HOUR is a one of a kind, feel-good escape into a landscape of wild insanity, constant less-than-subtle innuendos, 1970s fashion and tunes, and laugh-out-loud moments that feels more as though you’re hanging out with some cool peeps than watching a television show.  It was this type of near personal experience that made celebrities seem so much more relatable and likable. Whether it was Sonny and Cher or the guests that came on, ego was left at the door. It was all about having fun, laughing, and if someone (namely, nearly always, Sonny) was the butt of the joke, it was all in good spirits.  

I love sketch and variety shows, and THE SONNY AND CHER COMEDY HOUR was the best of the best. I miss the show and am thrilled that TIME LIFE is releasing a 5 Disc “Best of” collection with over 8 hours of footage.

I cannot recommend this set enough. It is not only something you’ll enjoy watching, but something you’ll enjoy re-watching over and over again.

Special Features Include:  

Never-before-released episodes of The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour. Celebrity guest stars include Tony Curtis, Carroll O’Connor, Art Carney, The Supremes, Jim Brown, Bobby Vinton, Chuck Berry, Jerry Lee Lewis, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Paul Anka, The Coasters, Neil Sedaka and Wolfman Jack! 

Sonny & Cher’s pilot, an appearance on The Barbara McNair Show (Original Air Date: February 15, 1970) 

Jerry Blavat’s 1970 interview of the duo on “Jerry’s Place” featuring an impromptu performance of “I Got You Babe” 

Interviews with Frankie Avalon, producers Allan Blye and Chris Bearde, and Cher herself! 

The post Available on 2/11 – TIME LIFE PRESENTS – I GOT YOU BABE: THE BEST OF SONNY & CHER  appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Melissa Antoinette Garza

I wasn’t actually going to review HUSTLERS (2019) tonight. I was going to go to sleep, but I’m in a sour mood and wide awake. Jeff, who is one of my dearest friends, had his Twitter account suspended because some malicious douche reported him. Twitter definitely needs to revamp its suspension policies because it is nearly always the peeps being victimized that get the ax, while the ones perpetrating the nonsense come away unscathed. Jeff is like a kid brother to me, so Imma very pissed off at the toolbox that started this shit.  An easy resolution would be for Twitter to prevent users from interacting with anyone other than their followers while they investigate rather than this unfair insanity.

As I’m in full redhead rage mode, I decided fawning over Jennifer Lopez would be a good distraction.  If any fem could take my mind off of Twitter, JLo would be that dame. I love her so much. She’s a true badass who doesn’t give a fuck. Ever since ENOUGH (2002), I’ve been sold on her acting abilities. She’s smart, sexy, vampy and has a sensual prowess that hooks the viewer. There was no way I was going to resist seeing her as the lead of a fem stripper gang.

The movie begins with Destiny (Constance Wu), who works at a strip club but doesn’t get as much green as she needs. Everyone takes a cut and she’s left with very little at the end of the night. The showstopper and head-turner Ramona (Jennifer Lopez) doesn’t have that problem. She owns the room, and men flood the stage with cash they toss to her. She has all the moves down, works the pole, the floor and most importantly her audience. Her body is fucking perfect. Never has there been an ass more divine than JLo’s. It’s just gorgeous and splendid and RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR Imma love it.

Destiny befriends Ramona and the two form a tight bond. Ramona teaches her how to get the customers to pony up the dough.

Together, they do sexy backroom shows where Ramona strips Destiny down as the men lay out the Benjamins to see more. It is tremendously erotic and fabulously done. The two women have so much chemistry together. I wanted Ramona and Destiny to end up together, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Unfortunately, Destiny hooks up with a deadbeat dude and gets knocked up. She has a kid and quits the gig at the strip club. When things don’t work out with her boyfriend, she starts searching for a normal job. She’s unsuccessful as her job history and educational background doesn’t include the qualifications the positions require. She ends up back at the strip club, but things have changed.

The economy crashed and men aren’t frequenting the club like they used to. New strippers are offering $300 blowjobs just to stay afloat. Thankfully, Ramona comes to the rescue again and creates a side hustle with Destiny. The two of them along with friends and fellow strippers Annabelle (Lili Reinhart) and Mercedes (Keke Palmer) start finding their own clients.

They meet up with wealthy Wall Street cats, flirt like crazy, drug them a bit, bring them back to the club and clean house. They get a cut of all they sell and max the shit out of the credit cards. The chicks are living the high-life and getting away with it mostly as the men are too afraid to go to the authorities.

After a few mistakes, the police do circle the wagons and arrest the ladies. Despite the fems being thieves, they’re really not antagonists. Quite the contrary, they’re actually heroes. Sure, some of the dudes taken didn’t deserve it. Many did though. Also, the ladies were so strong and wildly independent. It was the desire for autonomy and freedom that drove them. That’s admirable. Their actions are questionable, but their motives aren’t.

I absolutely adored this movie. Of course, I love the sexiness of it all.  The stripping scenes and backroom shenanigans were magnificently done. That alone is worth the price of this flick, but it has more to it. The flick has depth. Partially because it’s based on a true story, but also because of the acting, storytelling and emphasis to detail placed on the production.

Julia Stiles portrays Elizabeth, a reporter that is interviewing Destiny throughout the course of the film. Elizabeth is a highly-educated gal who comes from an upper-class family and has a fine education. She’s strong and confident. It was very cool to have two women who were so different from one another, but equally tough and independent discuss the events and the thought-processes behind them. The fems came from completely different worlds, but surprisingly found more common-ground than one would expect.

I can’t suggest this movie enough. Jennifer Lopez and Constance Wu owned the film. Their performances were beyond brilliant. The friendship and love between Destiny and Ramona made the film the masterpiece it is.  Watch this!

Also, goddamn is JLo sexy AF.

RAWR RAWR RAWR RAWR

Also RAWR

Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10

Buy my Gypsy Stuff at Etsy:  https://www.etsy.com/shop/GypsySpiritTarot

The post Hustlers (2019) Movie Review [Jennifer Lopez, Constance Wu, Julia Stiles] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

What do you get when you combine FINAL DESTINATION (2000), RING (1998) and APP (2013)?  The answer is something better than I expected. Don’t get me wrong, COUNTDOWN (2019) isn’t great. It isn’t groundbreaking or original. In fact, it’s formulaic, predictable and in a few years will be a forgotten mediocre horror production, but it’s not horrible and sometimes that’s good enough for me.

The film opens at a party where stupid teens are playing a drinking game. Courtney (Anne Winters) and her friends all download an app that supposedly reveals when they are going to die. All but Courtney assume it’s a bullshit novelty gimmick, and they don’t concern themselves over when their countdown ends.  Courtney is a little more nervous as it states she only has three hours to live. She decides to go home on her own as her boyfriend Evan (Dillon Lane) is wasted. He gets into a wreck and a tree goes thru where she would have been sitting.

Still, Courtney isn’t safe. She dies precisely when the countdown ends. Evan meets a similar demise at the hospital just a short time later.  Before his countdown ends, Evan tells his nurse Quinn Harris (Elizabeth Lail) that he knows he’s going to die. She thinks he’s paranoid and tries to reassure him. When she realizes that he was right, she begins to question the app which she also has on her phone.

It isn’t only the app she has to worry about because a sleazy bitch ass doc (Peter Facinelli) is harassing the shit out of her. Dr. Sullivan forces himself on Quinn and she has to fight the perv off. Of course, this upper-class, incel, dickwad blames her. She escapes and tries to tell the head nurse, Amy (Tichina Arnold) but Fuckface Sullivan makes certain she doesn’t get an opportunity to speak with her. He then turns everything around and makes the staff think she was sexually harassing him.

Sullivan pisses me off. He needs a karate chop to the throat and a knee to his small pecker. I hate doctors that think they can fuck nurses because of their clout. I don’t know who made up the whole urban legend that chicks find docs attractive, but the fems I know don’t give a fuck about the degrees or the green. It’s just different types of paper.  I prefer a gent with posters of their favorite musicians and movies hanging. That shows personality and taste. Doc Sullivan has neither of those qualities. He sucks.

After dealing with all that shit, Quinn goes home and starts investigating the app. She finds videos online of people swearing it’s real and that the countdown makes one hallucinate, see dead relatives and plays with its victims prior to striking them dead. Immediately after, she has a scare and ends up sleeping in her car.

Quinn’s younger sis Jordan (Talitha Eliana Bateman) shows up and gives her lip. I hate Jordan. She reminds me of Skipper, Barbie’s littler sis and I always hated Skipper, too.  She’s like SWEET VALLEY HIGH level petty. Those were good books and it was a solid TV show. I miss them, but damn did those girls engage in some petty bullshit and so does Jordan. She threatens to make-out with her boyfriend and possibly sleep with him if Quinn doesn’t let her move in.

Like Quinn isn’t dealing with enough! She has an app that’s trying to kill her, a degenerate doc that’s trying to maul her and now a little sis who’s threatening to get busy in a closet! Come on. Leave Quinn alone. I swear, if I was Quinn I would have downloaded the app on Jordan’s phone. “There you go, bitch. Now you die for being annoying!” What a stupid tween twit!

Don’t worry. I don’t have kids.

After Jordan’s tantrum, Quinn tries to buy a new phone and get rid of the app, but it just reappears. She freaks out after having another delusion and being grabbed by some strange demonic force. She crashes her car into some dweeb with a Lexus who starts yelling. Fuck him and his fancy-pants car. It’s not gonna get you laid, buddy. Ask Doc Sullivan!

As Lexus Larry stomps his feet, Matt (Jordan Sullivan) runs over and defends her. He has the countdown app too and knows that Quinn is trying to get rid of it. They hit a bar and trick an anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist into going to the app so they can read the terms and conditions. Matt and Quinn work well together.  There’s a funny joke in this scene too. I won’t spoil it but it’s in regards to the drunk, tin-foil hat dude.

Much like FINAL DESTINATION, they begin trying to find a way to beat the clock.

Believe it or not, this flick was a lot of fun. I didn’t expect it to be. I was fully thinking this was going to be main-stream, recycled, watered down trash, but I was wrong. It was cool.

Now, this isn’t a scary flick. There are a few somewhat creepy scenes. If laughing kids unnerve you, you’ll get a chill up your spine, but overall it’s tame. Twelve year old kids could safely watch this without being plagued by nightmares, unless the kid’s a pussy! (It’s a joke – don’t @ me)

The acting was above average, the characters were surprisingly well-defined the pace was good, there was some hilarious bits and the conclusion was rock solid. It’s a very decent horror movie. Is it going to be remembered or revered like THE CONJURING (2013)? No, but it’s not going to be loathed nor is it cringe-worthy like BLACK CHRISTMAS (2019) either.

COUNTDOWN actually accomplishes something that the new BLACK CHRISTMAS attempted to, but failed. There are a few scenes in COUNTDOWN where obvious hot topic issues are targeted. Sexual harassment, the METOO movement, racism, bigotry and stereotypes are all weaved into subplots of the film. The movie quickly addresses these issues in a way that makes since within the plot. It isn’t shoehorned in nor do the filmmakers preach to the viewer, yet their messages on each issue, was made abundantly clear. I am the first to object when a movie preaches, is too PC or tries to make an unnecessary statement in a film where it doesn’t belong. Kudos to COUNTDOWN for finding a way that works within the context of the movie to say what they wanted to say without being dicks about it.

So, should you watch COUNTDOWN? Yeah! Do it, right now – or whenever. There’s no rush. It’s good though. I grabbed it out of Redbox and they had this coupon so I got it for free. I’d pay more than that to watch it. I’d pay $5.00.

My one grievance is that they didn’t play Final Countdown, by Europe. Why didn’t they do that? Buy those rights, baby. It’s a good song, bro. That said, since Tichina Arnold was in the flick, I’ll let it slide. I love her. She was in LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1986) and that movie makes me happy.

Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10

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The post Countdown (2019) Horror Movie Review [Elizabeth Lail, Jordan Sullivan, Tichina Arnold] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

THE WAX MASK (1997) opens in France with Sonia, a young girl who witnesses her parents murdered by an unseen assailant sporting a mask.

Twelve years later, a sexy gent named Luca (Daniel Auber) gets hot and heavy in a brothel (RAWR RAWR) with a vampy gorgeous blonde Fem Goddess. After their romp, he goes downstairs and is challenged by another suitor to spend the night at a newly opened wax museum. If he succeeds he’ll win some green. The dude agrees, but ends up dead.

Sonia (Romina Mondello) arrives in Rome all grown up and applies to work at the Wax Museum. Boris (Robert Hossein) hires her, but she immediately begins to get freaked out. She feels as though the exhibits touch her.

Adding to the creepy atmosphere is the assistant Alex (Umberto Balli). He’s an odd dude but he’s also a bit reminiscent of Riff Raff from Rocky Horror Picture Show so Imma like that strange bird. He has a diva attitude which I love. He gets jealous of Sonia and basically tells her to know her role and that he’s the only assistant of Boris. He also likes getting spanked and whipped by the chicks at the brothel, so score there too!  RAWR RAWR weirdo guy, imma like you!

Boris is a kinky fucker too. He watches while his assistant gets worked over by the prostitute. Boris is a voyeur, and I respect that. You know he’s fucking those mannequins. Imma like his style!

Sexy Sonia turns to journalist Andrea (Riccardo Serventi Longhi) for help and he’s all too willing to mack on her. He’s an attentive lover with some hawt moves and he’s not bad on the eyes at all. Sonia herself is a true hottie so I get why the dudes are calling. Even Boris is handing jewelry over to the dame. She’s got it going on. Of course, I’d rather see her ride Alex, but I have problems. I’ve never hidden that from any of you, cats.

Meanwhile, the masked killer is having a field day and not just going after adults. He even kills a kid who is just chilling and eating cotton candy. If there was a murderer going after peeps eating cotton candy, Imma goner for sure. I love that stuff. When I go to an amusement park, I’m not leaving without it – and none of those weird flavors either – Cherry baby, all the fucking way. What can I say? Cherry’s got the way to groove me.

Soon the murderer goes after the prostitutes, too. That’s where I draw the line. You leave the ladies of the night alone! They work hard enough and don’t need to be hacked up by some psycho.

I wanted to be a madam when I was a kid. I even had my Hawaiian Barbie run a very successful Barbie Brothel so I have some experience in the field, and as such was very very disappointed in the killer!

Meanwhile, Sonia is horrified when she sees one of Boris’s exhibits is a recreation of her parents’ murder. The truth behind her folk’s murder is soon known and the assailant is shown in a fabulous reveal that Italian horror always does so well. It is over-the-top insane and has multiple layers. I love it.

Originally, THE WAX MASK was supposed to be a remake of HOUSE OF WAX (1953). Sergio Stivaletti came aboard to direct after Lucio Fulci’s unfortunate demise. Stivaletti considerably modified the script and put much emphasis on the gore and special effects, but the heart of the plot is still very much intact and the murder sequences are expertly done. The effects used are amazing and was well worth the focus Stivaletti placed upon them.

THE WAX MASK is a far superior reboot of THE HOUSE OF WAX than the atrocity that was the 2005 American version. Fucking Paris Hilton? I’m still not over that train-wreck. Can we just all make a pact that we won’t do anything to make Vincent Price roll in his grave? Please! He’s given the horror community so much, can we just preserve his iconic performances. I don’t want to see a remake of THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES (1971) starring Jake Fucking Paul, or some heads are gonna roll.

As for the THE WAX MASK, it’s fan-fucking-tastic. I love it. It’s entertaining, surprising, gory and it has some sexy motherfucking scenes that we don’t see in horror anymore. They were weaved in flawlessly and the actors have great chemistry together.

The plot wasn’t a new one, but it was done remarkably well. The atmosphere was tense, the executions were brutal and wild, the acting was topnotch and the chosen artistic homages and staples of Italian horror were not only present but done in a manner that respects the genre and the horror community. I miss movies like this.

In the end, it’s a beautiful combination of TOURIST TRAP (1979), HOUSE OF WAX (1953) WAXWORK (1988) and a bit of Jack the Ripper lore thrown in for good measure.

Right now this baby is on Shudder so go watch it. If you haven’t used a 7 day free pass, Amazon has one going on. You got no excuses, horror fans and horror fam. This one is fab.

Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10

The post The Wax Mask (1997) – Horror Movie Review [Dario Argento & Lucio Fulci, Sergio Stivaletti] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

I love Bill Skarsgård. By far, BATTLECREEK (2017) is my favorite film that he stars in, though he of course shined in the role as Pennywise in the IT (2017) films.

VILLAINS(2019) was one of those flicks that I had desperately wanted to see when it first came out, but I never got around to it. I happened to come across an interview Skarsgård did about the movie which made me remember I had yet to see it so I grabbed it off VUDU for $3.99. 

The film opens with small time hoods Mickey (Bill Skarsgård) and his girl Jules (Maika Monroe) hitting up a gas station. They are wildly and passionately in love and have a plan to take the money from the hit and start a new life together. They want to get themselves to Florida and set up a small mom & pop shell shop.

Unfortunately, they run out of gas and become stuck only a few miles away from the convenience store they robbed. Knowing the fuzz is going to catch up to them, they look around for an escape. Eagle-eyed Jules spots a mailbox. The duo walks up to the estate, realizes no one is home and breaks into the house. They both start to panic and opt to take a bit of the yayo to speed up the thinking process. Things become clearer when the coke kicks in. They begin searching the house for a hose to siphon gas out of a car in the garage, but they get more than what they bargain for when they go into the basement.

Chained to the wall is a young girl (Blake Baumgartner), and Jules refuses to leave her behind. Before they can free her, the owners arrive home.

George (Jeffrey Donovan) and Gloria (Kyra Sedgwick) find Mickey and Jules rummaging through their kitchen. George is cool, collective and even makes himself a drink, despite Mickey holding a gun on him.

Mickey informs the crazy couple that he is going to take the small child and leave. Reluctantly, George and Gloria agree, but they have a plan up their sleeve. When the girl is unchained, she bites Mickey giving George the opportunity to get the upper-hand.

Gloria is chained in the basement with the child, while Mickey is handcuffed onto a bed – and Miss Gloria wants to play. RAWR RAWR Imma don’t blame that crazy bitch for one second. Mickey is a hottie!

Gloria does a little striptease, but is disappointed and insulted when Mickey doesn’t get hard. She has a mommy complex and is a very very wild gal. The next day, Mickey pretends to be into her and even calls her “mommy.” It works and he momentarily gets the upper-hand. He even nearly gets away, but George stops him with a bullet to the leg.

Meanwhile, Jules bonds with the young girl who is known only as Sweetiepie. George reveals that he kidnapped the child because Gloria couldn’t have kids. Instead of being happy, she grew to resent the girl and wanted George to kill her. Instead of offing the kid, he chained her in the cellar.

Jules and Mickey devise a plan to get away and take Sweetiepie with them. In the end, a showdown occurs. The ending was predictable, but difficult. I wish it had turned out differently, but this type of flick rarely offers a Hollywood happy ending.

Still, I highly suggest the flick. The acting is tremendous. Donovan had a bit of a Tom Skerritt vibe going on, and he nailed it. He was creepy, holier-than-thou, crazy and absolutely chilling at times.

Sedgwick likewise did a fabulous job. She had the tough task of portraying Gloria as very reserved and overtly sexual within moments of each other, and she pulled it off brilliantly.  Gloria’s insanity and delusions were crafted in a way that the right actress had to portray them for it to be believable. Sedgwick was definitely the right actress!

I absolutely adored Maika Monroe for several reasons. First, she was a strong female lead who exhibited determination, fortitude and autonomy while never losing her feminine prowess or nurturing nature. She actually reminded me of my best friend a lot. There was this unbelievable kindness and compassion to Jules, but she was no pushover. She played as hard as the boys when it came to throwing down.  Imma love my best friend and Imma loved Jules too.

Last is RAWR RAWR Bill Skarsgård. He’s so yummy and of course he was fantastic in his role. Mickey was a lost soul desperate for a way out. He knew he loved Jules and he knew he needed a better life, but getting there was the problem. His solution was petty robberies, but he wasn’t a bad dude. He had a conscience and a heart. At times, he was like a scared boy which is when the nurturing side of Jules would come out. Other times, he was in panic or anger mode, and Jules would talk him down. The chemistry between the two was palpable, but it wasn’t only the sexual energy between them. The devotion and care they had with one another made it a thrill to watch.

Most interesting was the contrasting relationships between the two couples. Sure, Mickey and Jules were criminals – but they weren’t George and Gloria. It’s the difference between good people doing bad things and crazy motherfuckers doing crazy motherfucking things.

In some ways, VILLAINS is a good and dark comedic version of DON’T BREATHE (2016). I hate DON’T BREATHE. It’s one of the rare movies that I rated a 0/10. It sucks so bad. Fuck that movie. In that film, it is impossible to care about any of the characters because they’re all unredeemable.

In VILLAINS, Mickey and Jules may be thieving punks, but they’re not unredeemable. They’re sweet and loving and in it for each other. That’s the difference. In DON’T BREATHE, all of the characters came across selfish, self-absorbed and void of any traits that would make them realistic. They were caricatures and bad ones at that – only out for themselves.

Contrastingly, the humanity in VILLAINS is everywhere. The reason Mickey and Jules don’t leave is to free Sweetiepie. It’s an altruistic move and even though Mickey needs to be talked into it, he agrees in the end. It’s impossible not to feel sorry for the predicament that the young couple finds themselves in, regardless of their crimes.

That’s important for several reasons. One, it helps the viewer sympathize with their plight. Two, it makes certain that the audience hates the antagonists. In DON’T BREATHE, I hated everyone and the flick was dreadfully boring and empty.  VILLAINS does it right and made me want to see George and Gloria punished for their horrific deeds.

I highly suggest VILLAINS. It’s a cross between AMERICAN GOTHIC (1988) and MOTEL HELL (1980). I wish the ending could have gone differently, but that’s just the softie in me. Beyond that it was a fantastic production. Also, watch the initial credit scroll at the end because there is some fab art going on.

Scared Stiff Rating: 7.5/10

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The post Villains (2019) – Movie Review [Bill Skarsgård, Maika Monroe, Kyra Sedgwick, Jeffrey Donovan, Blake Baumgartner] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Melissa Antoinette Garza

It doesn’t get better than the Beach Boys and the album Pet Sounds. Ever since I can remember, a Missy would groove to those tunes. It’s more than music. Any time I relax, meditate and listen, it’s an experience. The songs strike chords in every cell of my body. I get chills inside and my heart fills with joy and optimism. It’s a spiritual sensation more powerful than any church I’ve ever been in. I’ll forever be grateful to the genius of Brian Wilson for bringing a much needed solace to me in the times I’ve needed it the most and a love for life when I’ve thought I lost it.

Somehow LOVE & MERCY (2015) snuck under my radar. It’s a biographical account of Wilson’s life from the 60s though the 80s with Paul Dano portraying a young Brian and John Cusack taking on the role as the legend in the 1980s.

He, who is most special, told me about this flick and I immediately tracked it down. It’s a must-see for any Beach Boys fan, so in other words – anyone with great taste is going to love it. If you don’t, get better taste and try again.

The movie bounces back-and-forth between young Brian and older, giving insight into Wilson’s life. We see his abusive, shithead father Murry (Bill Camp) act cold and callous. Murry was the Beach Boys first manager, but Brian fired him. After letting him go, Murry goes behind Wilson’s back and sells the Beach Boys music for $750K.  That was far from the first disgusting thing he did. When Brian was a child, Murry beat him so badly that he lost nearly all of his hearing in one of his ears. As the physical violence stopped, Murry began attacking his son’s talent, berating him. He’s a bitter, violent douche that is pissed off that he got canned. Good on Brian for getting rid of his dad, but sadly he could never get him out of his mind.

Wilson is such a soft and caring guy. Years after when discussing the insane level of discipline, he seems to downplay what he endured. He even remarks to his love interest and eventual wife Melinda (Elizabeth Banks) that he is thankful to his pops as the harshness made him write better songs. I love Brian Wilson so much.  I just do. The man can do no wrong in my eyes. I just want to hug him and not let him go.

Brian is not as generous to himself. He takes responsibility for being a bad father to his daughters and horrible husband to his first wife. This is mostly due to drug abuse, mental illness and a harsh schedule on the road. The man had been through so much and struggled his entire life, yet he still was the first to hold himself accountable for any shortcomings. He’s a man who could easily and justifiably be conceited, yet he is without ego. He is truly just everything great about this world wrapped up into one dude who thinks he’s more screwed up than he is. It’s the world that’s insane. Brian just reacts to it with such emotion and love. I adore that man and always fucking will.

When Melinda comes into Brian’s life in the 1980s, Brian is on a ton of meds and has caretakers. Brian’s doctor and legal guardian, Eugene Landy (Paul Giamatti) is a controlling fucking dickhead that needs a beat-down. He has systematically removed Brian from all contact with his family.  He has Brian hopped up on pills and uses mental mind-fucks to weasel his way into every aspect of Wilson’s life. He forces an incoherent, drugged-out Brian to make music and screams in his face when he doesn’t. He’s obviously looking for a huge payout and doesn’t give a shit about Brian! 

Gene goes on dates with Melinda and Wilson. He sits beside her and insists that she repeat everything she says so that he can hear. At one point, he goes banana-pants crazy when Melinda gives Brian her burger. Landy insisted he wait and be patient, but Melinda overrules him and slides her food to Brian. When Bitch Landy sees, he gets in Wilson’s face and screams. I can’t help but think that level of bullshit must’ve sent Brian into PTSD moments where he recalled the abuse he endured at his father’s hands. I hate heartless and soulless peeps and Landy is as heartless and soulless as they come.

 After the barbecue brawl, Landy calls Melinda and tries to act like he’s a good guy who is willing to give her full access to Wilson as long as she plays ball. He wants to know every move Brian makes and everything he does. Melinda is tough and she’s a smart cookie and loves Brian. She doesn’t trust Eugene as far as she can throw him, and she’s right! Unlike Doctor Dick, she’s not in it for the money or prestige. She just loves her man and refuses to let Landy take advantage.

When Gene sees that she won’t play by his rules, he informs her that Brian won’t be seeing her anymore. Melinda, not a gal to be pushed around, reaches out to Wilson’s family and explains the depths of Landy’s depravity and indifference. If not for Melinda, Brian would have probably died under that fuckwit’s supervision. Nothing pleases me more than knowing, Brian outlived that fraud quack.

The film bounces back to the 60s and the creation of Pet Sounds, where we see Brian begin to hear voices. Sadly, he had some bad trips and with a probable predisposition for mental illness developed schizoaffective disorder and mild manic depression. The man is such a genius that it didn’t hinder his abilities.

He kept creating the iconic tunes despite protests from Mike Love (Jake Abel) who wanted to keep doing surfer songs. He was a pussy that wanted easy lyrics and was blind to Brian’s brilliance. Wilson was beyond Love in every way and onto a more surreal and divine musical experience. Wilson stopped touring with the band and focused on the record, much to the chagrin of Mike. Brian is 100% artist whereas Love is just after whatever sells. I’m not saying Mike was ALWAYS an asshole to Brian, but facts are facts, and if we’re being honest, Brian Wilson is the Beach Boys. Fight me, bro.

In the end, we see the nurturing and protective nature of Melinda come full force. She is willing to walk away from Brian to show that she wants nothing from him and yet she doesn’t walk away from the responsibility of caring for him. She makes certain Eugene doesn’t bleed him dry and fights that bastard with everything she’s got. I love Melinda. She’s fabulous.

LOVE & MERCY is a perfect film. Brian Wilson said it was extremely accurate in its portrayal and you can feel it when watching. It’s artistic and flows almost like Pet Sounds in the way it tells the story. The music helps with the flow, but it’s more than that. The performances hit hard. I’m not much of an Elizabeth Banks fan at all. She often reminds me of a more modern Jennifer McCarthy, but here she nails it. She brought her A-game and really sold the compassion and kindness of Melinda.

Contrastingly, Paul Giamatti excelled at displaying the magnitude of how awful that disgusting prick Landy was. God, I hate Giamatti in this and I fucking love him in everything. Even in PRIVATE PARTS (1997), I was like “I love that dude!”  In this though, there was no coming back. There wasn’t a second where I was thinking, “Wow, Giamatti is doing great” and that actually tells you how splendid he is. I was so absorbed in the movie that it didn’t even occur to me that I was watching one of my favorite actors on screen. I just hated him. Now that it’s over, I love Giamatti again, but damn do I fucking loathe Landy. I hope he doesn’t rest in peace. Fuck that guy.

Now, John Cusack should have gotten a fucking Oscar for this. He shined magnificently. Cusack is a fairly versatile actor, but here he goes so far out of the realm of anything he’s done. He had the difficult task of showing a man both suffering from a major mental illness while also being systematically hopped up on pills. He needed to make certain the viewers understood where the illness began, where it ended, what it impacted and what it didn’t. He also had to show how the pills were changing his personality and how the mental illness wasn’t who Brian was. It was an illness he battled. It would have been so easy to fall into an insulting indictment of people suffering from similar conditions, but instead Cusack stayed focus on the heart and sweet disposition of Brian. Yeah – he heard voices, but so fucking what. He’s loving and kind and creatively one of the most brilliant men who ever lived. Cusack particularly made sure the film never lost sight of that. The Schizoaffective disorder was shown with the perfect amount of weight. It caused him insecurity and made him distraught. It even may have added to how willing Wilson was to allow Landy’s mistreatment, but LOVE & MERCY also showed it was far deeper than that. It was both Wilson’s tender-heartedness and the fear of being incapacitated that made him so forgiving of the money-hungry quack.

Paul Dano also assisted in delivering the same message. There isn’t one thing that put Brian into the position of being under Landy’s thumb for so long. There were so many different life events that caused him to be in that abusive situation and they dated back very far. Whether looking at the torture he endured at the hands of his father, the beginning stages of his illness, the lack of support he received for his talent or his own unjustified insecurities, there are plenty of components that played a part. It is a testimony to Wilson’s strength that he survived and is still the goddamn rock star that he is.

I said it before, I’ll say it again. Watch this fucking movie. I took it out of the library and then after that noticed it was on HULU. I always forget HULU has movies on it. It does though. I have to start using it more.

Now, it’s time for a Missy to smoke some weed and listen to Pet Sounds. Let it be known that I am eternally grateful to Brian Wilson for making that happen.

Scared Stiff Rating: 10/10

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The post Love & Mercy (2015) Movie Review [Paul Dano, Jon Cusack , Elizabeth Banks, Paul Giamatti] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.