By Geno McGahee
In 1984, all of the fat housewives united to protest the release of the killer Santa movie “SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT.” These idiots, along with Siskel and Ebert did what they could to get the movie pulled and they did just that. You can still see Siskel and Ebert on YouTube as they were so disgusted, but then again, when weren’t they disgusted by horror films? Rest in pieces boys. Good riddance to bad rubbish. Now, despite its ejection from the theaters, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT found life from the video stores and became a success that spawned four sequels. I’m not saying that they are good sequels, but they are sequels nonetheless.
Mickey Rooney stars in the fifth entry and before I go into my review, let me note that Rooney was very against the first film when it was released, noting that “the scum that made this movie should be run out of town.” Obviously, a lot can change in seven years and it’s now Rooney sporting the Santa suit and killing people. Shame on you Rooney. You should be run out of town…if you weren’t dead. Have you noticed the death involved with this series? Siskel, Ebert, Rooney and probably some of the fat housewives that protested? We have a curse here people.
Now, the title “The Toy Maker” tells the story. Petto (Rooney) owns a toy shop. Would you bring your kid to a toy shop with a guy named “Petto”? His son Pino (Brian Bremer) lives in the basement and the two are at odds. I found it funny how abusive Rooney was in this. When he screams at Pino and blames him for the shop’s failure, it is very amusing. I just didn’t expect that from the old guy, but then again, Rooney was divorced 8 times and maybe that’s how he really was. If that’s the case, he has no one to blame but himself for getting beaten in his golden years.
Derek (William Thorne) is a young boy that saw his father killed by a toy that was delivered to the home, forever traumatizing him. Noah (Tracy Fraim) is on the trail of the evil toymaker, but he is no hero. At one point, he gives his landlord a toy that he says is “to die for” and the thing mouth-fucks him to death. I’m sorry for the term “mouth fuck” but if you saw the scene you’d understand. I hope that when I go, it’s nothing like that. With all the advances in technology, I fear that mouth-fucking might beat out cancer as a leading cause of death.
Sarah (Jane Higginson) is Derek’s mother and tries to keep him safe and happy, but she’s always panicking. She is also not mourning the loss of her husband too much. The minute Noah gets into two, they’re fucking in a car in a parking garage. I hate parking garages.
As advertised, Rooney has killer toys and he unleashes them on people. A babysitter and her boyfriend are some of the first to get it. There’s some robotic hand toy that caresses the guy’s tighty whitie ass to his delight and then grabs the girls boobs. This is 1991. We weren’t ready for a bisexual robotic hand. At least I wasn’t. That’s only one of the toys and that one seemed pretty harmless. It just wanted to get some cheap feels in. The other toys prove deadly and it was pretty cool, but with the other killer toy movies of the times, it’s not exactly inspired.
(SPOILER) Pino turns out to be a robot, created by Petto when he wasn’t able to be a father or his kid died. I’m not sure. But Pino undresses and he has a Ken doll body. How wrong. Why wouldn’t he give his robot junk? It might be good…good for Sarah at least. When she discovers that he’s a robot, he tries to rape her while yelling “I love you mommy.” Very strange stuff and very amusing. I don’t know why she was screaming. He has no junk. No junk = no threat.
SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER is not a great film. It’s not even a good film, but I was amused at several times. Mickey Rooney was hilarious and the ken doll rape scene was rather funny. It’s just an odd film and not really a sequel to the 1984 film. They just put it under the banner. It’s worth a watch and I contend it’s the best Mickey Rooney killer toy movie of all time.
Rating: 4/10
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