By Geno McGahee
In 1960, the cartoon “THE FLINTSTONES” became a very popular cartoon, running to 1966 but living on throughout the years. I watched it when I was a kid and was actually a fan of it like so many others, which gave Hollywood the idea to take the cartoon and turn it into a feature film. The film was made on 45 million and would take home 341 million, which led to a sequel that we don’t have to talk about.
Fred Flintstone (John Goodman) works at the rock quarry alongside his best friend, Barney Rubble (Rick Moranis). Cliff Vandercave (Kyle MacLachlan) is one of the managers of the quarry and he has a devious plan that he’s putting together along with the office assistant, Miss Stone (Halle Berry). MacLachlan gets some bullshit for being in SHOWGIRLS but he should eat it on this one. At least he got to see naked chicks and get a lap dance in SHOWGIRLS. At least he got to work with Halle Berry, even if it meant stomaching Rick Moranis and Rosie O’Donnell.
I know it’s not normal to want to fuck a cartoon and I’ve sought help, but Betty Rubble was hot and look what the fuck this movie did to her. They find the ugliest pig, Rosie O’Donnell, and give her the role and, on top of that, they couple her with Rick Moranis. I know that a lot of people have hard ons for Moranis and I don’t get it. I’m not happy that he recently had his ass handed to him in New York City, but if he never acts again I won’t be upset.
Vandercave needs a stooge to set up to take the fall for an embezzling scheme he has and Fred gets the nod, becoming a vice president of the company in title only, more or less. He is merely there to sign forms, without reading, as Vandercave and Stone set him up. Mr. Slate (Dan Florek), the owner of the quarry, is left in the dark and I kept thinking it was the dude from ALF, but it was the dude from LAW & ORDER: SVU. I always confuse the two.
As a VP, the Flintstones are living the high life and the Rubbles are getting jealous. Fred is also becoming a dickhead and looking down on them. After all of the workers in the quarry are fired through one of the reports that Fred signed, Barney has to take a job as a bus boy at a restaurant. At the party at the restaurant, Fred sees Barney waiting tables and he starts taking jabs at his former best friend. Betty and Wilma (Elizabeth Perkins) are not getting along either.
Fred is set up and is now on the run and trying to prove his innocence as Vandercave plans his escape with all of the money. Wilma and Betty team up and bring the dictation bird that was working in Fred’s office to be the witness and save Fred, leading to a big finale at the quarry between Vandercave and Fred.
Where the hell do I start with THE FLINTSTONES? You already know how I feel about Moranis and O’Donnell, but I’ll just say a little more. O’Donnell is unlikable in everything she is in and her performance here is nearly impossible to stomach. Rick Moranis, even though his Barney impression isn’t terrible, annoys me. Goodman, who I usually really like, is in the same boat with Moranis here. Goodman gets the voice down but it’s very hard to get invested in the character because it’s so forced and unbelievable. Granted, this is taking place in Bedrock with dinosaurs and shit, but there was never a point where I was rooting for Fred or cared if he lived, died, or had a T-Rex cock shoved up his ass.
I’ll give some points here to Halle Berry for doing her best in this role and especially to Kyle MacLachlan for his best attempts to make the role work. For a comedy, there are no laughs. The jokes are terrible. To give you an idea, when Barney and Betty adopt Bam Bam, they ask for his full name and the answer is “Bam Bam Bam”, and then there is a noticeable pause for the audience to laugh. What shit, but the entire film is like this. They also think changing names of current things to names that reflect the Flintstones, changing the companies like McDonalds and Toys R’ Us.
Despite the best attempts of Berry and MacLachlan here, THE FLINTSTONES is complete shit that has rank up there with the worst movies I’ve ever sat through. I’m glad that Goodman decided not to come back to the sequel, but it would have been better if they left this topic alone to begin with.
Avoid THE FLINTSTONES. It’s fucking terrible shit that is right up there with films like THE CAT IN THE HAT and MR. MAGOO. Yabba dabba F U.
