By Polly Hughes

The man with the most courage…Julian Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, is MIA and much like Chuck Norris, this man has courage. Y’all know that there is some funny business going on with the Clinton death count rising all of the time and nobody has caused her more trouble than my man, Assange.

We were all wondering just what Killary was trying to bleach and we found it with this Pizzagate business. There is some chicken-hawking going on at the highest levels and the new prez, Trump, is going to drain this swamp of all the pedos like my man, Chris Hansen does on Crime Watch Daily.

With Assange missing, there is only one conclusion to draw. They took him out. The illuminati have found him and have made him pay for doing the right thing. Assange had courage and stood up against the monster and he will go down in history as the biggest patriot ever.

I am hoping I’m wrong about this. I hope he is just out there getting some poon, but my gut is telling me that they tracked him down and the Killary kill committee has taken another victim.

Trump, you gotta lock her up like you said you would!

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By Polly “Trekkie” Hughes

I am a huge William Shatner fan. I went to every movie he was ever in and he never disappoints but my favorite movie of all was the 1976 family film “WHALE OF A TALE.” I remember when I was visiting my cousin in Italy in 76 and it was playing there under the title “PUSSY,” and it was all that and more.

The story is about a young boy running away from home to go to Marineland and he just loves the whales. Well, Shatner befriends the boy and the chemistry is just amazing. Although the kid actor, whoever he is, could not hold a scene with my friend, Shatner, he was carried and it worked. This is what I LOVE about Shatner. He can carry weaker actors like he did during the STAR TREK years. Leonard Nimoy? That chump sings about Dildo Baggins or whatever his name is. You think he can act?

Shatner not only has the young boy in his life, he now realizes that the boy has a hot mom and it’s time to put on that Shatner charm. Hey mother, want another? There’s also some slow guy there at the aquarium and I wonder if he should be allowed around children or even animals. I guess he could be a nice guy, but I was hoping that Shatner would stop a mud hole in him. He seemed like a pervert to me.

The love story continues as the mom and Shatner get close and we start to learn the true meaning of PUSSY (AKA – WHALE OF A TALE). It’s all about love and family and avoiding the occasional slow registered sex offender at the aquarium. What a great movie! Out of all the Shatner films, this is definitely my favorite. AND I don’t care if he wears a hairpiece or not. I get so many emails about that and I don’t care. Does the carpet match the drapes? Whatever. Eat me.

On top of this being the best movie of all time, bar none, unquestionably, it has the best soundtrack of all time too. Two amazing songs that I believe hit the top of the billboard charts: I’M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND and THEY DON’T KNOW YOU LIKE I DO set the tone for this epic tale.

Now, this film has been out of the public eye for some time, but thanks to the good people at CINEMA EPOCH, it’s back in all its glory and if you have that new-fangled AMAZON PRIME, you can watch it for free and see my friend, William Shatner, give the performance of his life. Whales, love, young boy, slow guy, drama…it has it all. I give WHALE OF A TALE (AKA – PUSSY) a 10/10!

WATCH WHALE OF A TALE FOR FREE ON AMAZON PRIME!

The post William Shatner’s BEST MOVIE EVER – NOT STAR TREK – WHALE OF A TALE (AKA – PUSSY) – MOVIE REVIEW appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Polly Hughes

(DISCLAIMER: The views of Polly Hughes do not reflect those of Scared Stiff. This is an article of fiction. Any resemblance to any real event is purely coincidental.)

Yo, check this out. I want to say that my family has done everything they could to remove me from their lives. They said that I died. Nope. Did not. Move along now. They got me removed from Facebook with their liberal bullshit. Go vote Bernie you geeks and, by the way, if a dude comes into the lady’s room when I’m taking a dump, I’m going to bite off his junk! No man should ever hear a lady take a dump, even if that dude is wearing a dress, a thong, lipstick and has tits. I better stop. I’m getting excited.

So, since I have no movie to review, I have decided to review a home movie. My niece, Karen, was turning 40 and so everyone came over to worship the queen in stonewash. Oh my god, did she love her stonewash. It’s not just for white trash anymore. Anyway, we begin with my sister, Phyliss, sitting in a wheelchair and waving at the camera. She then laughs as if waving at the camera was a funny thing. My guess is that she shat her pants…freaking Crypt Keeper.

As this gaggle of losers huddle around and wait for Karen to come back from wherever her hubby with a chubby brought her, my fat ass daughter Susan was asked to say a few words. She notes: “Happy birthday shithead.” There is a pause and then everyone laughs. This group of fake fucktards didn’t really find it funny but wanted to let Susan know that she was cool and kissed up to her. Since when is a 300 pound midget with a mullet cool?

Karen comes into the dark house and the lights go on and everyone screams “surprise!” It was just like they saw on TV when they weren’t looking at buggery porn. Karen acts so shocked, but what the fuck did she think all those cars were doing in the driveway? Didn’t she think it was the least bit odd that there were twenty fucking cars parked in and around the home? You know Susan didn’t walk her fat ass a mile to get there, right? Come on bitches. Be real. Karen was just acting surprised and kept screaming “oh my god” over and over again. I’m sure she didn’t do that in the bedroom with her two pump chump.

The crowd cheers and my fat ass daughter, Susan, walks over and puts a pin on Karen’s sweatshirt, noting her age of 40. Susan laughs and laughs like she just won a crate full of cupcakes and then Karen laughs and laughs as if she shat those same cupcakes out. Karen walks over to the wheelchair and that’s when we see my semi-retarded husband, Jimmy, wearing a sweatshirt that says “I love girl scout cookies.” Pervert.

They give Karen a cane, which is so funny. You know, keep on saying she’s old. It wasn’t funny the first ten dozen times. Maybe it’ll be funny now. If you want to see old, you should have seen that wrinkled up lard ass, my sister Phyliss. That was old. She’s dead now. Stone cold dead.

So she opens gifts and you listen on as this family awkwardly laughs at things that are not funny and that sends a chain reaction throughout the rest of this hideous group. Karen’s husband, a bright man (sarcasm), wrapped up a bunch of empty boxes in the obituaries and watched on with a semi as she opened them, leading to a scavenger hunt for the real gift and the clues that she had to follow were intensely clever.

He began with: “It’s red, tall and moves.” Well, Karen ran to the dancing Santa in the window and grabbed the paper, leading to the other clue. “Ha ha ha. Something that is unbearable.” What could this be? Could it be the bear skin with the cum stains all over it, hanging on the wall? My lord, it was. “Something that is used to pop popcorn,” was next and since they did not have a popcorn popper, it had to be the microwave. You see just how brilliant her husband is. He knocked these out of the park. Here is a test for the reader at home. Can you decode this one: “Something that is old and plays oldies.”

If you said “dildo” you would be wrong. The actual answer is: jukebox. We follow up with “it’s one of my little pets.” Well, my goodness. Now we’re getting juicy. Is it a gerbil? Is it a sheep? Perhaps it’s one of those suction cup asses you stick to the wall and have sex with? Nope. This guy cut a hole in his wall and put a mouse statue there and he called it his little pet. I wonder what it was used for. “It’s beyond cold,” was the next clue and now it’s getting really tough. Beyond cold. What could it be? Nana’s vagina? They said cold, not dry. Sorry about that one. If you said “freezer”, you get 10 points. So, Karen goes to the freezer after pretending that she had to think about it, and gets the next clue, and the entire family is roaring with laughter throughout this entire thing. If I wasn’t married to that fucktard Jimmy, I would have stayed home.

Wrapping this up, we have “in something you collect, you will find your gift,” and Karen goes into her collection of metal tins that somebody else threw into the trash, and finds her brand new imitation diamond and gold ring. Credit to her husband. He was able to spell 36% of the words correctly. Good job! This scavenger hunt was amazing and it really awed the group of complete idiots that went to this party.

Susan, my slobter (slob daughter), continues to strut around like a 350 pound peacock and takes pictures of people, laughing as she notices that she has taken a picture of another relative taking a picture of her at the same time. Oh it was a hoot. What a great time this party was.

The Views of Polly Hughes – Karen’s 40th – The overall experience

The pros:

The cake was delicious.
Jimmy clogged the toilet and we kept it secret. I’m sure either Karen or Ron found the king-sized turd and puked all over their tits.

The Cons:

Karen’s fake surprise as she walked into the house, after seeing all the cars parked around the home made the atmosphere feel less than genuine.
The scavenger hunt was not challenging enough.
The forced laughter throughout the party was awkward.
The repetitive jokes hurt the mojo.
The stonewashed clothing made me feel like I was at a Kid Rock concert.

Overall rating:

The party for me was a 1/10. I would not attend another party with these dimwits.

The post Karen’s 40th Birthday Party – THE VIEWS OF POLLY HUGHES – Home Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Polly Hughes

(Note: The Views of Polly Hughes do not reflect those of Scared Stiff. We do, however, not censor her work or prevent her work from being displayed on the site. Polly is a treasure and we see her as such. If you are easily offended, stop reading now.)

I was busy snorting coke off of some stripper’s tits when my friend came up to me and said: “Yo, Polly, check this shit out.” I was shown a video featuring some douchebag named “Joshua Feurestein” wearing his “Jesus shirt” and heading into Starbucks to fight their red holiday cups. Some mother fuckers have no life and this Joshua guy is one of them. He looks like Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst if he was slow and he must be if he believes in that magical invisible man bullshit.

Now, this guy keeps rambling on about Starbucks being anti-Christian. What happened to turn the other cheek you geek? Hey, I’m a poet and I don’t know it, but then again I must know it because I’m mentioning it. That saying is fucked up yo. Feurestein is just looking for attention and he’ll get plenty of these shitheads out there that get on their knees every night. There’s only one good thing to do on your knees and it ends with a mouthful.

Just like I wouldn’t boycott Subway for the Jared Fogle scandal, I’m not going to boycott or get them to write “Merry Christmas” on my coffee cup because some fat fucktard told me that God would get a hard on if I did. What are we going to do next, go to McDonalds and have them write a little spider on the cup to make Spider-Man happy? He’s more legit than God…that’s for sure, but he’s not as legit as Hammer. Hammer is too legit to quit.

Dumb ass wants all of his “Christian brothers and sisters” to stick it to Starbucks by having them write “Merry Christmas” on their cups instead of their real name. Oh boy, isn’t that going to make Starbucks angry? More people paying for their coffees and making them millions more? They will be so mad. Hey Joshua, you want cream to go with that bukkake?

I hope they throw this dude in a cell with Jared Fogle. Y’all know that Jared would sleep grope the mother fucker. Everyone is like “oh wait until Jared goes to prison and see what happens to him.” He’s going to be in hog heaven and the hogs will be bleeding from the ass y’all.

So boys and ghouls, it’s one thing to be stupid, but it’s another thing to be so stupid that you follow Joshua Feurestein’s plan. Drink Starbucks, celebrate what the fuck you want to and keep it real bitches.

The post Starbucks Christmas Cup Shocker: Joshua Feurestein Merry Christmas Christian Movement Shocker – THE VIEWS OF POLLY HUGHES appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Polly Hughes

(Note: The Views of Polly Hughes do not reflect those of Scared Stiff Reviews…although most of the time, we agree with her.)

Y’all know that this rich little bitch, Luke Gatti, 19, isn’t going to change. Now, Gatti got his fair dose of infamy when he shoved some bald chubster all over the food court for not giving him mac’n cheese. The longer he was refused, the more hostile he became. He kept shoving the poor bastard who probably makes shit for money. Luckily, one of the big boys from the back came out and tackled Gatti and while resting his sack on his chin, noted “you’re not going to hurt my boss.” What a kiss ass, but Luke Gatti had it coming and considering where this guy’s junk was resting, it may have been literal. Hey, the pecker wanted a noodle.

Now, I give these mother fuckers the benefit of the doubt. I went into the Luke Gatti apology with an open mind, but not open legs. He can’t even play remorseful. This is strictly damage control. He reminds me of those peckers that went around shooting people with paintball guns and when they were caught, they made a video of themselves taking shots to avoid prison. Well, they didn’t avoid prison and they got a new kind of shot from big Bubba.

Luke Gatti is only 19 and he’s this much of an asshole already? I swear that if this big bitch was at that food court, I’d slap him around and teach him some manners. I’m used to dealing with drunken jerks. My husband, James Hughes, used to get drunk and rape our dogs. I kicked that mother fucker out of the house for years. YA HEARD.

Luke, my dear boy, I DO NOT accept your apology and neither should that bald dude you shoved around. I hope his boyfriend jumps you again and teabags you, bare-balled this time. UCONN needs to give Gatti the boot!

I’m going to end with a poem I wrote …

MAC’N CHEESE PLEASE
An original poem by Polly Hughes

Mac’n Cheese if you please.
Bald man, don’t be a tease.
If you don’t give me my favorite dish,
I’ll grab both your legs and make a wish.

Luke Gatti was ready to fight Mr. Clean,
But his boyfriend in the back was quickly on the scene.
He tackled Gatti and shoved his nuts in his face.
The cops were next and took him out of that place.

Now he says sorry for shoving the bald.
He may be screaming it, but it isn’t that loud.
I don’t accept the apology a kid with no hope.
Say hello to Big Bubba when you need to pick up the soap.

The post Luke Gatti Apology: UCONN MAC AND CHEESE STUDENT Apologizes – THE VIEWS OF POLLY HUGHES – Breaking News appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.