Tales From the Darkside: In The Cards (1985) – Horror TV Series Review


By Geno McGahee

I never found Dorothy Lyman hot.  I know they made her the “hot chick” on MAMA’S FAMILY, but I never saw it and don’t see it now. Perhaps, thinking about her getting banged by Vint (Ken Berry) was a turn off.  If it was a turn on, I’d probably need help.  The fact that I’m thinking about it now probably means that I need help. 

IN THE CARDS is an episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE where Catherine (Lyman) is a psychic that uses Tarot cards.  I like Tarot cards even if they’re bullshit and I definitely like bullshit.  I love stuff about aliens and Sasquatch and ghosts.  Even though I believe in them, I’m willing to say that I have an attraction to bullshit and that includes psychics. 

Catherine is a bullshit artist and has no real psychic powers, but she wants to line her pockets.  When Madame Marlena (Carmen Mathews) shows up for a reading, everything changes.  She sneaks in her own deck and now Catherine can see things happening with her readings, even though they are all bad. 

After predicting the deaths of a woman’s boyfriend and some old dude, she tries to get rid of the cards but they won’t go away.  She throws them away and they immediately appear back on the table. She is stuck, but she soon discovers that Madame Marlena fucked her over and she heads over to get answers.   Marlena lets her know that the cards are basically a curse and that you have to pass them off to another psychic fraud. It’s sort of like THINNER with the pie. 

Catherine tries to get rid of them but can’t and ends up running into some muscle-bound dude with pantyhose over half of his face.  What the fuck is the guy doing walking around with pantyhose over his face?  I can see if you’re robbing a bank or store or something but to wear them out just for kicks seems odd.  Also, you don’t see many robbers/killers that are so big and muscular.  They are usually crack heads and crack heads are usually thin.  

So this thug with pantyhose over his face (spoiler) stabs Catherine and kills her, leaving one Tarot card behind.  IN THE CARDS is a decent episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE, but I have my issues with it.  Why the fuck didn’t Madame Marlena, the original fraud psychic, get killed by this curse? Did that guy with the pantyhose buy a better-fitting pair, made for thugs with fat heads, after he got Catherine’s money?  Did that thug inherit the deck of cursed Tarot cards and if he did, does he know what to do with them? 

So I recommend IN THE CARDS, but I wish they answered my pantyhose questions. 

Rating: 7/10

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