By Geno McGahee
I am not a big fan of streaming, but with the local Hollywood Video not being open lately…the last 10 years, I’ve not much of a choice. I have to go to streaming to watch some movies and found BLOOD DESCENDANTS, a monster/slasher from 2007 and it was one of those movies I would have rented in a heartbeat. So, look at that Hollywood Video. You could have had $2.99 from me and you fucked it up.
Horror films are known for curses and it all makes sense. An evil being looking for vengeance is most likely due to a curse. There’s been a family curse in my family I think where none of them get jobs. Maybe that’s not a curse. Maybe they are just lazy.
The Fields family is cursed for killing Jacob Bradford (Michael Wrann) that they didn’t approve of. I’m not entirely sure what was wrong with him, outside of bad hair, but they didn’t like him much. After they murdered him and buried him, he comes back, but he waits a long, long time. It makes more sense for him to come back and kill those that have directly fucked him, but he opts to come back over a hundred years later to settle the score. I was sort of hoping that one of the original dickheads would be like 120 years old and sitting on his death bed when Jacob shows up and kills him. Don’t say it’s unrealistic. I read the obituaries every day. I find it compelling. I often see some old bag of bones that died at 105 years of age or so. So, a 120 year old isn’t too out of the question.
Matt Fields (Jeremy Make) surrounds himself with assholes that he calls friends. He also has a thing for Jenny Bradford (Christy O. Cianci), which is met with weird reactions from the townies, especially Matt’s dad, Bruce (Billy Winn). This curse stuff is serious business for Bruce, but why? He hasn’t seen ANYTHING in his lifetime to suggest that any curse exists. He has no reason to believe that his son is in any danger if he bumps uglies with Jenny, but he’s fucking nervous. He’s basically shitting himself over the idea.
Matt continues along, but his group of friends keep on mentioning that his girlfriend is a virgin and a farmer. They are continuously taking shots at Matt and he just keeps taking it. This is his dad’s fault. He has beaten this poor guy down to the point where he can’t defend himself and thinks he deserves abuse. That’s why he has surrounded himself with scum.
As Matt gets more serious with Jenny, his group of friends decide to secretly record Jenny taking a bath. Instead of opening a can of whoop ass, Matt doesn’t do much and is hanging out with them again. To make matters worse, they set up a camera in Matt’s room and catch him on tape having sex with Jenny and now plan to put it on line. Jacob has had enough. He’s back from the dead and wants to make sure that none of his family members get caught up in a viral sex tape.
I need to point out the elephant in the room. The makeup used on Jacob isn’t good at all. These lower-budgeted films from the 2000s lack in certain areas typically like acting, writing, directing, filming, and overall production value, but they typically nail the practical effects and makeup. This is an exception to the rule. He looks pretty shitty, but he has cool clothing and a cool sickle. I guess I can let it go.
We find out that Matt was adopted and he starts bringing that up with his father. He gets slapped and then says “you’re not my real father.” He needed another slap across the chops for that one. He took Matt into his home, took him as his own, and the thanks he gets is to get that he’s not the real dad? Where’s your real dad, Matt? Where the fuck is he? How dare you!
Jacob goes on a killing spree and is trying to get every debt paid, whatever that means. Why did this cocksucker wait so fucking long to get these debts paid? My student loans called my ass quick as shit. My mortgage company would never wait 100 years, but they should. Fuck my mortgage payments. Get somebody that works for the bank, have him raise from the dead, and come after my relatives in the future for the money. I’ll be dead. What will it matter?
BLOOD DESCENDANTS is not bad. I got through it. Sure, it could be argued that I was drinking Apothic Inferno at the time, but I wasn’t shit-faced. I was sober enough to watch a horror movie and write a review. I recommend it. I recommend Apothic Inferno. I also recommend coming back sooner than 100 years if you plan to return from the dead to get revenge.
