By Geno McGahee

I’ve never seen a Dennis the Menace movie and haven’t seen a comic either.  So, this was new territory and I assumed it would be bad and probably a HOME ALONE knockoff, but it wasn’t either.  The film was far better than I thought it would be.

Dennis (Maxwell Perry Cotton) is a six-year-old that can’t help but to get into trouble, despite his good intentions.  The person that gets hit the most by the antics of Dennis is poor Mr. Wilson (Robert Wagner) and he is very weary of the little guy.  He tries to avoid any interaction with Dennis and notes prior issues with him and the hell he’s gone through, but his wife is a given person and brings him to a charity bake that features a stage show.  This ends with Mr. Wilson being pummeled with pies thanks to Dennis.

An immediate highlight of this film was Jack Noseworthy as David, a father that demands perfection from his son, Jack (Isaac Durnford), or he will be a “loser”.  David is obnoxious and hilarious and he really isn’t in this enough, but when he is, he shines.  There is animosity between David and Dennis’s father, Henry (George Newbern), stemming from elementary school and that has passed on to their children with Jack bullying Dennis. 

In a secret Santa, Dennis gets Mr. Wilson as his person and is now desperate to get him the perfect gift and it doesn’t go well.  There are some funny moments here.  Going by a list, Dennis starts trying to make Mr. Wilson happy.  He brings him holiday shopping, which ends with Wilson having an injured arm and neck.  The next idea was to get him a Christmas tree, and it doesn’t take long for the police to arrest Wilson for stealing it.  Dennis then gets together with his friends and put up lights on the Wilson house, only to set it on fire.  Wagner really plays this role well.  He is responsible for a lot of the humor in this.   One of the funniest moments is when Dennis makes cookies with every ingredient you can think of…most of them dangerous or disgusting, and Wilson says “one won’t hurt.”  The next scene, he’s immediately carted away by an ambulance.  It was really funny.

As this is happening, Santa (Godfrey), comes down to save the day.  Usually I fucking hate this shit.  I don’t like supernatural Santa stuff and I know that’s odd considering I’m such a fan of Christmas movies.  Santa has his place, but whenever I watch a Christmas movie and Santa or an elf shows up, I usually lose interest.  In this film, it works and actually makes it better. 

After Wilson goes off on Dennis and even tells him that there is no Santa, which is a huge dick move, Santa shows up to pay him a visit.   We get a Scrooge sort of tale here with Santa bringing Wilson to different points in his life and what his words to Dennis means long term.  This part of the film was incredibly effective and, once again, Wagner made it all work. 

I expected nothing from A DENNIS THE MENACE CHRISTMAS and it turned out to be a pleasant surprise.  This could have been a shitty film, but the cast is very solid and they were all really into the production.  The film starts slowly but once it kicks in, it kicks in and it’s very enjoyable and really funny at times.  I recommend it.

Rating: 6/10

The post A Dennis the Menace Christmas (2007) – Holiday Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

The Christmas classic LOVE ACTUALLY has just been released in 4K on its 20^th anniversary and it is a must own for fans of holiday films.  The cast alone is amazing with Liam Neeson, Hugh Grant, Emma Thompson, Alan Rickman and Keira Knightley to name a few.  This is an all star effort with a very clever screenplay and story.

This film tells numerous stories with realistic human emotions and situations involved. This is not a Hallmark movie.  It has grit and most people can relate to the situations presented.  The cast brings it and it’s very interesting to see the stories collide and the impact that they have on each other.  It was nice to see Neeson. I would have liked to see him in TAKEN form, but this is a romantic comedy/drama more than anything else and it works.

The 4K version just looks great and there are tons of bonus material.  This is really the only way to watch this and it’s nice to see Hugh Grant in a film where his heart was really in it.  This role was way better than that of an Oompa Loompa.

LOVE ACTUALLY might not make the top of the lists of holiday favorites for some because of some of the serious tones, but it falls into the same category as LOVE THE COOPERS and THE FAMILY STONE.  If you’ve not seen it, it’s definitely a very good holiday film.

The post Love Actually 20th Anniversary 4K Edition – Now Available – Holiday Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

I usually don’t like movies that have animals as a primary focus, unless it’s an ape.  I like movies about gorillas and chimps but I’ve never been a dog movie fan, but I give every film a fair chance.  CHRISTMAS WITH TUCKER is about a boy and dog and the guy from THE AMITYVILLE HORROR.  He is still so terrified of that fucking house that all his hair turned white.  I felt bad for him, but I think it settles the debate.  The Amityville Horror story is true after all.

Whoever wrote this obviously had a hard for A CHRISTMAS STORY. I hate that movie and I love Christmas movies.  It’s just one of those classics that I just really cannot watch.  I won’t go as far to say that I hate it, but I’d rather watch THE CHRISTMAS GIFT with John Denver and for those that I’ve not bought a gift for yet, don’t watch THE CHRISTMAS GIFT.  You’re welcome. 

We have George McCray (Gage Munroe) narrating this as he looks back on his life when he was younger and living with his grandparents, Bo (James Brolin/Amityville Horror Guy) and Cora (Barbara Gordon), after the death of his father.  I was pretty disappointed that he didn’t mention anything about his grandfather’s hair being white and referencing the haunted house he used to reside in.  This movie bored me pretty early.  It made me link Amityville to it, which made it more enjoyable.

The McCray farm is the shit in the small town they live in and that doesn’t sit well with Thorne (Ron Lea), a local bum that really hates them.  Despite his hatred, he still leans on them and they still look out for him.  When he goes to jail, Bo agrees to take in his dog, which has no name.  Thorne just yells “dog” when he sees him.  I don’t see an issue with it.  The dog thinks his name is “dog”.   Nothing wrong with that.

When the dog joins the household, George immediately becomes friends with him.  His grandparents were happy because it shut him up.  They were sick of him whining about his dead father.  It’s almost Christmas.  Who wants a downer that time of year? 

The dog is named “Tucker” after Cora says that the dog or her grandson or somebody was “tuckered out.”   At this point, I was tuckered out and wanted to put on a better film, but I was determined to finish this and I am in the Christmas spirit.  I love this holiday and sometimes films can be a really slow burn and end up being really enjoyable. 

With Thorne let out of jail, Tucker needs to go home and what an ungrateful asshole Thorne is.  The McCray family returns the dog and Thorne is just an asshole.  I began thinking that maybe he got violated in jail. That happens to the new guy.  I’ve seen it in movies like THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION and AMERICAN HISTORY X.   They never went into it, but perhaps Thorne was passed around a little.

Since Bo’s son dropped dead, he needed a new servant.  So, George is now going to do all the work, including milking the cows, delivering the milk and plowing the streets.  This poor kid is 12 years old and he has a full time job now and he feels obligated to do it because his grandparents guilt him into it.  They keep mentioning how his dad used to do it.  He should be home playing Xbox and eating pizza, but they put him to work. 

As George goes to work, he stops by Thorne’s house and tries to negotiate Tucker’s release.  It’s a deal if George will go and grab some moonshine from another town loser, Turner (John Tench), and bring it back.  He does that and Thorne tells the poor kid to fuck off and that there was no deal.  Karma comes around and bites Thorne in the ass when he gets alcohol poisoning and almost dies.  He would have died if George didn’t save his life. 

This is where George fucks up.  He finds Thorne on the floor dying.  He should have taken Tucker and left and whatever happens, happens, but he saves Thorne’s life, but he gets to keep Tucker while Thorne is in the hospital recovering.  I hate people that have money like Bo in this shit that never says a bad word about trash like Thorne.   I think Thorne is right.  The McCray family thought they were better than him.  A real good guy with money would say that Thorne is a human piece of garbage and a lifetime loser.  Call it like it is Bo! 

The film goes on and on with George smiling all the fucking time as he looks as Tucker.  I love animals as much as the next guy, but fuck, the amount of smiling going on made me uncomfortable. 

What really pissed me off about this story was when Bo, in bed with some cold or something, gets rid of Tucker to punish George for delivering moonshine to Thorne.   George was working for that old fuck as he sat on his ass and milking the freaking cows and he tears into him because he gave some drunk moonshine.  

This film ends with the grown up George still with Tucker who is now a lard ass and everyone is happy and Thorne is all cleaned up.  I did it.  I made it to the end of this fucking film.  I don’t know how I did it, but I did.

CHRISTMAS WITH TUCKER is very very boring.  It’s not really a Christmas film.  The holiday comes into play at the very ending, but overall, it’s about a fight over custody of a dog.  I would have liked to see Tucker maul Thorne to death like that scene in MAN’S BEST FRIEND with that creepy junkyard owner from Newhart.  It didn’t happen.  This film is so dull and meaningless.   I would say that it’s 90 minutes of my life I wanted back, but I would probably have wasted that time on something else.

Rating: 2/10

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By Geno McGahee

Eddie Murphy can be really great and has proven himself time and time again with movies like BEVERLY HILLS COP, LIFE, THE NUTTY PROFESSOR and COMING TO AMERICA, but then he makes really shitty movies too like COMING 2 AMERICA (especially) and NORBIT.  I didn’t know what to expect, but considering that the last direct to streaming film I saw was COMING 2 AMERICA, I wasn’t overly optimistic about CANDY CANE LANE.  When the trailer was launched, my optimism did not grow.

Chris (Murphy) is a Christmas enthusiast that is involved in a yearly competition with the neighborhood for who has the best decorated house.  Everything that Chris makes is handmade and wooden and he’s taking on his neighbors but he doesn’t like his chances to win when he sees all of the décor that the neighbors have purchased.

After getting fired from his job, Chris focuses solely on the Candy Cane Lane contest and with 100K hanging in the balance, he needs to win.  He goes to a shop and meets Pepper (Jillian Bell), the shop owner, and purchases a ton of impressive decorations, but they come with a price. Pepper is an elf that has been misbehaving and anyone that makes a deal with her will eventually become a decoration themselves.

The first 30 minutes of this film was pretty good.  The relationship between Chris and his neighbors was funny at times and I began to have some hope for this one, but it died shortly after and this film began to feel less and less like a Christmas movie.  It became a bad GOOSEBUMPS knockoff.

To avoid becoming a decoration, Chris teams up with his family to get 12 rings from various characters in the 12 Days of Christmas song.  The family goes around chasing around geese, drummers and more but the film was really dragging at this point.  The emphasis seemed to be on CGI more than anything else at this point despite it trying to put forth the message the best part of the holiday is family. I appreciate that, but there is a lot of wasted talent here in this one.

I am happy that I’m not stuck with just Hallmark and Lifetime Christmas movies this year to review, but the two Amazon Prime entries are far from impressive despite the amount of talent that they had to work with  CANDY CANE LANE and GENIE are both very forgettable and neither really captures the Christmas feel.

Santa (David Alan Grier) shows up and basically fixes everything, but I had lost interest at this point.  The inclusion of Grier backs up my point.  They had so much talent here and it just died after 30 minutes.  I have to say that it was good to see Grier again, but I’m sure most of the audience shut off the movie before they got to see him.

CANDY CANE LANE is a major disappointment.  It’s not as bad as COMING 2 AMERICA.  I don’t think a movie exists that can say that, but this film had all the elements needed to be a good holiday film.  It just misses the mark, runs too long and does not feel like a Christmas movie despite all the lights and bulbs.  I don’t recommend it.

Rating: 3/10

The post Candy Cane Lane (2023) – Eddie Murphy Amazon Prime Holiday Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

In 1964, the TV show “THE MUNSTERS” was launched and despite it not going for many seasons, it grew a following and led to many returns in many forms.  One of the returns was a 1996 made for TV movie, “THE MUNSTERS SCARY LITTLE CHRISTMAS”, and it definitely did not have a lot of money behind it.  

Eddie Munster (Bug Hall) isn’t happy with the move to Los Angeles that his family has made, and I have to say that most holiday films that take place in California I do not like.  I’m a New Englander and one of the things that we have is a snowy cold Christmas.  I hate paying for heating and shoveling snow, but it feels like Christmas here, dammit.  California Christmas is just not Christmas to me.  It’s my problem, I know.  I’ll try not to hold it against the Munsters too much.

Dealing with bullies and a new home, Eddie is depressed, but his parents, Herman (Sam McMurray) and Lily (Ann Magnuson), are determined to make it right.   The family gets together and comes up with some ideas to make Christmas feel like a Munsters Christmas and they all have ideas.   Marilyn Munster is played pretty well by Elaine Hendrix, but one of the strange casting choices was Sandy Baron for Grandpa Munster.  He was not right and I guess he did his best, but he just wasn’t good.  The makeup wasn’t good either.  They forgot his neck.

The idea to invite all of the family to big holiday party is agreed upon and they have some awesome family members, including a mummy and a werewolf.   Another idea that Lily comes up with is to team up with Eddie and compete in a house decorating contest, but Mrs. Dimwitty (Mary Woronov) won’t let them win easily.  She has won for the last five years and wants to win again, for some reason.  Woronov is one of the best things about this film.  She puts everything into this one.

I typically hate Christmas movies with Santa involved.  I know, it doesn’t make much sense, but it takes a really good film for me to say “I’m glad they brought in a Santa character.”  Not only do we get Santa in this, but we get two REALLY annoying elves.  Grandpa puts out a snow spell but it backfires and is transports Santa and the elves to the Munsters’ home.  We do get some humor, mostly due to Herman Munster insisting on sitting on his lap.

The elves want to stop working so much and make it with some California babes, even noting that they have fake boobs.  It brings up a good point though that isn’t often touched upon.  Who do elves fuck?  I would hate to think that their entire lives are making presents for children and nothing more.  As much as I hated these elves in this movie, it brought up a good point.  Let the elves go and get some Santa!  I guess the assumption was that elves have zero sex drive.  That was my assumption.  Don’t act like you don’t think about the sex drive of elves.

As with most movies like this, the point is to save Christmas and the film races to that attempt.  Santa teams up with Herman and the elves to deliver gifts and we get a couple of funny moments thanks to McMurray’s performance. 

One of the best moments of the film is the family party at the end with all sorts of horror characters including the Mummy, Wolf Man, Creature from the Black Lagoon, Phantom of the Opera and some weird guy with bad hair and long arms.   The star of the show was the Mummy.  This film might have been a 10/10 if they kept him in it the full time, especially if he was dancing. 

THE MUNSTERS’ SCARY LITTLE CHRISTMAS is better than I anticipated.  With such an obviously low budget and big shoes to fill, I was ready to say there are two hours of my life I’ll never get back, but it did OK due to the performances of the cast.  Most of the cast put their hearts into this film and it shows. 

Overall, you could do worse and if you like THE MUNSTERS, you might enjoy this one.  It tried to stay true to the source material and do its best with limited resources. 

Rating: 4/10

The post The Munsters’ Scary Little Christmas (1996) – Holiday Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

Melissa McCarthy is a very talented comedic actress, but sometimes she picks bad films that don’t showcase her skills.  That is the case with the 2023 holiday film “GENIE”, which was a Peacock exclusive.  I didn’t have high hopes going in by the trailer and considering the fact that it didn’t have any theatrical run.   This was straight to streaming and there was a reason for it.

Bernard (Paapa Essiedu) is having issues with his wife and child as his job is overtaking his life.  When he works too many hours and misses too many family events, he finds himself alone and without a job.  With his job being in the antique field, he got his hands on a jewelry box that holds a secret.  After rubbing it, the box erupts and knocks Bernard back.  When it settles down, Flora (McCarthy) arrives and notes that she is a Genie.

Even though the box exploded in a very supernatural way, Bernard is convinced that she is not a Genie.  What evidence does he need?  The box’s behavior alone should have given her some credibility but he keeps dismissing her initially.  This didn’t make much sense.

As with any Genie, Benard is entitled to some wishes and he starts making them with most concerning methods to get back into his wife and daughter’s lives.  McCarthy does a good job trying to salvage this movie with her natural charm and comedic physical delivery, but she wasn’t given much to work with.  This film just isn’t funny and isn’t really a holiday film.  It takes place during the holiday, but it feels like this screenplay wasn’t written as such and they just said fuck it and crammed in Christmas.

The biggest issue with this film is that none of the characters are developed very well and are very forgettable outside of Flora.  McCarthy is the reason why the role even meant anything.  Had it been another actress, this film would have been unwatchable, but I kept watching and hoping that she would bring a laugh or a good sentimental moment.   She is able to muster up a couple laughs and a couple warm moments, but Essiedu is just not flexible enough of an actor to make this role work.  At no point was I hoping that he’d reunite with his family.  I just didn’t care.

The film dies completely about an hour in and it’s pretty repetitious.   This film turned out to be very disappointing considering just who they had.  McCarthy can steal the show in a film and when given good material, I don’t think there’s a funnier actress, but she signs on to so many bad films that the odds are against you finding a good McCarthy film. 

GENIE isn’t a good movie and isn’t a holiday movie at all.  If you are a fan of McCarthy, it might be worth a watch just to see her attempt to make this film work and she does have a couple of moments where she signs, but this film was written poorly all around and the pacing was bad.  I can’t recommend this one. 

Rating: 3/10

The post Genie (2023) – Melissa McCarthy Peacock CHRISTMAS MOVIE REVIEW appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

I had absolutely no idea what to expect from DOLLY PARTON’S MOUNTAIN MAGIC CHRISTMAS, but with Dolly Parton in it, I’m sure I would find something that I liked.  Parton has always had this spirit and nice nature that translated to her music and acting and it is present in this new release.

Parton is planning a big network show and calls upon all her friends to help her make it right.  She is very family-focused and wants this special to bring joy to everyone no matter what their financial situation is.  The messages in this film are much needed in a world of constant fighting.  

As much as I don’t like Jimmy Fallon, he does well with Dolly in his one song and you can see why he was popular on SNL.  It’s a shame that he turned into what he has on his late night show.  He has plenty to offer and this side gig showed that he can have fun and be likable.  They should take the handcuffs off of him on his talk show.

Dolly continues to seek help on this special and meets up with notables like Willie Nelson, Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus.  They all have songs together and even though I’m not a fan of this sort of music at all, I found a certain amount of charm in this film and the songs.

The main purpose of this film seems to be to make people happy and to let all the negativity go.   Dolly is in a position where she doesn’t need to do this but it’s important for her to share her love of the holiday but also her love and hope for humanity.  In a world of social media warfare and constant negativity on the news, this is a fresh breath.

The film is a little strange and is mostly a musical, but it’s so different that it’s almost in its own category, but that’s not a bad thing.  This is a good holiday movie for the family and might get people to reflect on the family feuds that they have and maybe it’ll help them to start solving them.

I recommend DOLLY PARTON’S MOUNTAIN MAGIC CHRISTMAS.  It’s not perfect.  It’s going to drive some atheists crazy with the continued Jesus references, but it’s got so much heart and Dolly has a lot of kindness to share.  You can feel it.  I liked this movie a lot more than I anticipated.

The post Dolly Parton’s Mountain Magic Christmas: Now on Digital and DVD – Holiday Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

Every year I do a holiday movie review spree and I do it because I am so full of the Christmas spirit.  I have all this joy.  Sadly, this joy was nearly extinguished as I sat through the Hallmark movie “HAUL OUT THE HOLLY”. 

Emily (Lacey Chabert) was shafted as a kid during Christmas.  Her parents gave her a camera to take pictures of some big Holiday even that the neighborhood holds every year.  I don’t blame her.  She wanted some toys or something fun.  She didn’t want to follow around a bunch of assholes in bad Christmas sweaters with a Kodak. 

Time passes and she is now living in the city as an adult.  After breaking up with her boyfriend, she decides to go back and see her parents.  When she gets there, her parents reveal that they are going to Florida and that she can stay in the house during the holiday.  That sounded like a great deal to me.  Get a huge beautiful house and lose two annoying assholes at the same time?  Sign me up.

Jared (Wes Brown) the Home Owners Association President comes along and this film really goes into the toilet.  I’m not saying that Brown is a bad actor because he was given nothing to work with and they were trying to play him off as a funny awkward character.  I hated this character.  I don’t think Brown brought anything to this role.  His heart wasn’t in it.  If his heart was in it, he sucks, but I think he was just going through the motions.  At one point, he’s singing The Twelve Days of Christmas and I wanted to kick him in the nuts.   

Emily begins getting citations for not having enough decorations up from Jared.  I love Christmas but this asshole is obsessed with it and he is shoving it up everyone’s ass that lives on that Evergreen Circle.  Remarkably, Emily begins to like him.  What?!  Poor Lacey Chabert.  She is always likable and she is here but they gave her complete shit to work with here and she tried to make it work, but it did not work.  

Another idiotic character is Ned (Stephen Tobolowsky).  He is obsessed with the holiday too and thinks having snowball fights with adults is the most fun a man can have.  Tobolowsky is tremendous and I love him in almost every film, but not even he could save this.  It’s a shame that they had Tobolowsky involved and this film still sucked donkey balls.

Every character in this, outside of Emily, is annoying and this film is so empty.  I know that Hallmark isn’t known for deep and memorable holiday films, but this has no thought or real story.  I guess they went to their writer and said: “We need to make five million holiday films this year.  Get writing.  They don’t need to be good.  Just write.” 

I hated this film.   I hate it more as I think about it as I’m writing this review.  It’s not fair that this could ruin my holiday.  Hallmark needs to write me an apology letter and spray it with perfume. 

The most obnoxious asshole in the film, Jared, gets the girl and also dresses like Santa Claus, which makes him more excited than I was when the ending credits rolled.  This is one of those films that you just put on for background noise and when you look at the screen, it looks like a Christmas film and that’s good enough, I suppose.

Can you guess if I’m going to give this one a good rating?

HAUL OUT THE HOLIDAY is shit.  You don’t expect greatness from the Hallmark holiday films, but this one had no soul.  It was nearly unwatchable but I watched it because I need to review shit for my holiday review spree I do.   I should have picked another movie to start it.

Watch this if you want to puke.

Rating: 0.5/10

The post Haul out the Holly (2022) – Hallmark Christmas Holiday Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

When it comes to cartoon duos, there may be no other that stood the test of time better than Tom and Jerry.  The cat and mouse have been around since the 1930s and it’s remarkable that they are still here almost 100 years later.

TOM AND JERRY: SNOWMAN’S LAND is the latest entry featuring Tom and Jerry and is now on DVD and Digital from Warner Bros. Home Entertainment.   Included on the DVD are 3 classic episodes and the 72 minute feature film.

Tuffy, the nephew of Jerry, creates a snow mouse that magically comes to life.  OK, yes this story is a familiar one, but it’s done really well here and especially so for children.  Much like Frosty the Snowman, this snowman must be rushed somewhere cold where he won’t melt, which is why they are bringing him to Snowman’s Land.

The film mixes music with a mellow approach.  It is obviously geared toward younger children but this could easily be a family movie night choice.   I recommend this.  You’re not going to get the usual violent battle that you may have remembered from the old Tom and Jerry skits from back in the day, but the film works and is a good holiday watch for all.  I recommend it.

The post Tom and Jerry: Snowman’s Land – Now on Digital & DVD – Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Geno McGahee

One of the most popular stories around the holiday season is A CHRISTMAS CAROL.  It has been made into several films and has impacted a lot of holiday television specials. When it comes to telling this story on film, most people point to the 1984 George C. Scott version as the best.   Well, I haven’t seen it since I was a youngster and I decided to check it out and see if it lives up to the hype.

You can’t go wrong with George C. Scott.  He is awesome in everything he is in and this is no exception.  Actually, he might shine the brightest.  Now that I think about it, I wasn’t a fan of his performance in the 1997 TV version of 12 ANGRY MEN.  I don’t really blame him.  You can’t act well if you have to hang out with Tony Danza. 

Ebenezer Scrooge (Scott) is a businessman and he does not dig Christmas at all.  He’s not happy with his employee, Bob Cratchit (David Warner).  He is the boss.  He can’t handle his employees dicking off and that happens all the time around the holiday. 

After doing his job and trying to get home to relax, Scrooge starts hearing the voice of his old partner Jacob Marley (Frank Finlay) and why the fuck is he talking like that?  Ebeneeeeeeeeezerrrr  Scrooooooooooooooge…. It would irritate the fuck out of me if somebody spoke like that and I had to work with them.  I guess they were trying to make him scarier, but it didn’t work.  

At home, locks become unlocked and doors open and in walks Marley wrapped in chains.  Scrooge immediately accepts him as a ghost and asks him what he wants.  He opens his mouth wide for some reason.   You see a dude in chains with a mouth wide open and eyes bugging out and breaking into your house, run…

There is no question that Scrooge believes in ghosts. He knows Marley is a ghost right away. If he lived now, he’d be one of those assholes with gadgets that walk around houses and look for ghosts.  You don’t find ghosts with gadgets.   Ghosts find you.  This movie proves it.  You just walk around and wait to hear your name spoken like Ebeneeeeeeeeezerrrr  Scrooooooooooooooge. 

I don’t know if the term “humbug” means bullshit or fuck you.   I like to think that it can be used either way.  I guess it could mean “take a spoon and eat my ass you prick,” but the characters in this film seem way too proper to even think such things.  

I don’t get why Marley is visiting Scrooge.  The poor dude has to carry around chains and heavy boxes and has to wrap something around his head to keep his mouth shut.  I guess bad things happen to people in hell from bullies if his mouth is stuck permanently open.

Scrooge tells Marley to take a spoon and eat his ass but that sends Marley into a rage.  It scares the living fuck out of Scrooge and he’s ready to wheel and deal, which really makes him out to be a coward.  There is no way you can’t outrun Marley considering all those chains he’s carrying around. 

The first of three spirits show up and Scrooge asks her “are you the spirit that I was told of?”  Who the fuck did he think she was?  She floated in as smoke filled up the room.  The Ghost of Christmas Past (Angela Pleasence) brings Scrooge back to a time when he looked like Jeff Daniels from DUMB & DUMBER.  Most of the point is that Scrooge is a grump because his dad was a stupid prick.   His dad was a prick. F him.

The second ghost is a strange guy that I would not allow around children or animals.  The Ghost of Christmas Present (Edward Woodward) has a shit-eating smile on his face, no shirt, and is seven feet tall.  I got the impression that if Scrooge didn’t comply that he would be corn-holed by this giant.  Maybe I’m wrong.  I’ll have to research Charles Dickens and get back to you.

I call bullshit on the Cratchit family. They are way too happy.  It’s not believable.  It’s obnoxious.  I get the point though.  They have to establish that Scrooge is an unhappy prick and everyone else is happy as fuck. 

Another super happy asshole is Scrooge’s nephew, Fred (Roger Rees).  He has this game where he says a term and you have to answer.   “Dry as a” “bone.”  I wanted somebody to say “I got your bone.”  I guess Fred is the only relative that hasn’t given up on Scrooge, but his wife, Janet (Caroline Langrishe), wants to kick Scrooge in the balls so hard he pukes.  She hates him because she ain’t him.

The final spirit is fucking awesome.  The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come is basically the Grim Reaper and he is, by far, the most impressive of the spirits.  Scrooge is a courageous dude though and agrees to hang out with the skeleton dude in a black robe.  I don’t think he had much of a choice, but he just jumped right into it. 

Scrooge learns that he’s going to die and poor people are going to raid his shit and that pisses him off.  It should.  He worked for it.  Unfortunately, the grim reaper asshole doesn’t care and gives him a huge guilt trip about his life.  I wonder if this spirit didn’t work out if there would be additional spirits added or if they would give up on Scrooge.

The grim reaper dude does some cool shit like floating around in a graveyard and pointing at Scrooge in a creepy fashion.  If there is a grim reaper and I meet him when I drop dead, the first thing I’m gonna say is that “you look mad cool man.” ‘

So, in the end, Scrooge gets guilted into giving up his money and being nice to everyone, no matter how annoying and obnoxious they may be.   Also, why didn’t Marley get this chance to turn shit around before he had all those chains shoved up his ass?  One other question.  Why isn’t Scrooge’s asshole dad getting harassed by ghosts, considering he’s the one that made his son a dickhead. 

A CHRISTMAS CAROL is OK.  George C. Scott is really great in the role and the cast is pretty solid overall.  I had issues with Scrooge turning it all around so quickly.  I can’t see going from total asshole to the happiest guy of all time even if you are threatened with death. 

I recommend this movie. I’m not a fan of the cover where Marley looks like somebody grabs his junk surprisingly, but this film is definitely good.

Rating: 7.5/10

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