Reviewed by Melissa Antoinette Garza

“They say a long time ago, some guy drowned in the lake because he had a large penis.” – Bartender (Tabitha Stevens)

I’ve never seen the need or felt the desire to review a pornographic film before. Recently however, some of my favorite old TV shows have been parodied quite successfully and amusingly into adult movies. HAPPY DAYS, SAVED BY THE BELL and the old BATMAN series are just a few.

When I saw the trailer for the OFFICIAL FRIDAY THE 13TH PORN PARODY, I couldn’t resist checking it out. After all, it had to be better than Michael Bay’s version and I’ve seen every other Friday the 13th made. Let’s face facts, most of the films were filled with good looking women having gratuitous sex and then being killed by Jason. I figured how different could the adult version be.

The production opens with a young blonde named Susie (Sara Sloane) entering a small pub declaring she is going to Crystal Lake’s Nudist Colony. Sure, why not? Here, she is informed of the legend of Jason. In a slightly altered twist, Jason went for a swim and drowned because of his extra-large penis. It fermented at the bottom of the lake and thus he became a monster with flesh-eating jizz. Hey, who says there isn’t any creativity left?

Meanwhile, three friends, Asia (Asa Akira), Ricardo (Rocco Reed) and Kyle (Kris Slater) gather in front of the colony excited to reopen it despite the mass murders that have occurred on a previous Friday the 13th. So here we know the characters are just as smart as those in any standard movie with Jason in it.

For awhile, we’re reminded that this is in fact a porno film and not just a run of the mill Friday the 13th. The sex scenes are much longer in duration and are slightly more of a focal point. In one alteration which is absolutely hilarious, Jason actually jerks off prior to killing his victims. One by one each sex-crazed guest and employee of the nudist colony are subjected to a face bath of horror.

Susie and Kyle are the “survivors” finding Jason’s hideout. The two end up celebrating in an ultra-XXX fashion, but the finale definitely leaves room for a sequel.

To be honest, I bought this more as a joke than anything else. I figured I had invested nearly 2 hours of my life sitting through the 2009 mainstream version and that Jason couldn’t be anymore bastardized than that. So I decided, I would watch this as a serious film and review in that way. I’m actually surprised about how easily the film is to review. Without question, porn fans will be happy, but in a strange way so will horror fans. The movie doesn’t insult the series and it sort of plays the way a pornographic Saturday Night Live skit would. It’s more Airplane than Date Movie. Basically, it’s a funny and well acted production that‘s about 25% plot and 75% hardcore sex. I’m cool with that if the 25% is good.

Sara Sloane especially did well in the role of Susie. She was great with the comedy relief and delivered her lines well. Tabitha Stevens who had a small role as the bartender also stood out. She had the best speech delivering the origins of Jason and sold every bit of it.

Another important factor to point out is that the film is very ‘couple friendly’ as far as the porn scenes are considered. Many times in heterosexual pornographic movies, they strictly think from a male perspective where women are really the focus as mere gorgeous sex toys and the men resemble something out of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Here, they actually had some very attractive men who were as much a part of the production as the women and the women seemed to have a stronger more dominant role as well. It really was written more as a short film with a lot of sex scenes than a porno with plot thrown in.

Overall, it’s definitely worth a watch and most certainly better than Michael Bay’s bastardized version. At least, I enjoyed this one.

Though, the scale I’m rating it with is different than what I’d rate a horror movie, it does something a lot of movies don’t. It entertaining, sexy, and kudos to the actors because it’s well acted.

Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10

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Reel Talk takes a trip to Crystal Lake to discuss the horror franchise: FRIDAY THE 13TH. Hosted by horror filmmaker, Geno McGahee (SICKLE, FAMILY SECRET, SCARY TALES: LAST STOP) and horror blogger, Kevin Scott (Superdupershockcinema.com), the lively podcast covers everything that you think it would, including examining the many strange occurrences throughout the 12 films.

Joining Geno and Kevin is filmmaker, Andrew Bard (Dystopia: Capital City) and horror blogger, Melissa Ann (ScaredStiffReviews.com, True Horror Fans).

Join this group as they discuss the man behind the mask…

Check this out on Chirbit

THE NEWEST HORROR COLLECTION IS UNLEASHED – ORDER NOW!

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How do we bring Jason Voorhees back?   That decision was made in the sixth entry.  The best way to bring him back is to make him a zombie.  Before, he was an unstoppable hillbilly that was super strong and aggressive and then he died.  In the fifth one, they had a fake Jason and were sort of stuck.  So, they elected to bring him back Frankenstein style.  Where we left him last was at the bottom of Crystal Lake, chained to a huge rock and helpless.  Now, we have to get that chain off of his neck.

We start at Camp Crystal lake with Tina Shepard (Lar-Park Lincoln) headed to the camp with her mother, Amanda Shepard (Susan Blu) to meet up with Dr. Crews (Terry Kiser).  Any doctor, especially psychologist, is going to be a jerk and be killed in a horror movie. It’s just the way it is.  So, you knew to enjoy Crews while you had him.

Tina has a past that she cannot overcome.  Her powers of telekinesis killed her father many years ago and she is still a time bomb waiting to explode.  Crews wants to help her get beyond that, or at least that’s what he claims.  Remember, this is a horror movie and he is a psychologist and that makes him a prick.  He has ulterior motives.

A group of teenagers next door are having a gathering and Nick (Kevin Spirtas) takes a liking to Tina and invites her.  It’s a chance at normalcy that Tina and her mom are all for, but not Dr. Crews.  He thinks the guy in all denim is going to screw things up.  Why did guys wear all that denim in the 80’s?  I mean, I was just as guilty as the next guy, but I never knew why we did.  I just followed the trend without questioning it.  Today, if somebody suggested a wardrobe of 90% denim, I would ask: Why?

This is a Jason movie, so you need plenty of jerks.  Melissa (Susan Jennifer Sullivan) fits the role very well as the stuck up rich girl.  She uses people and targets Tina. When she discovers that Tina has mental problems, she brings it up and insults her publicly.

Tina is unstable and upset and runs to the lake.  She now hopes to bring her father back from the dead, using her mind powers to get him out of that lake.  I am not sure what she thought she’d accomplish here and why wasn’t his body recovered to begin with?  I have a hard time believing that they couldn’t find the body of her father in that lake, but, for some reason, they didn’t.  Her attempt to bring him back would end up releasing Jason (Kane Hodder) from the lake and he has never looked better.  The make-up used to create this monster/zombie version of Jason is better than ever.

Jason is now free and is going on a killing spree.  It’s much of the same.  Unremarkable characters are getting mowed down by this killing force, but the good characters are very good.  I really liked Dr. Crews.  He was a great bad guy and the unique storyline made this one of the better F13th entries.  Jason had finally met his match and the final showdown between the two is a lot of fun.  The fun factor is through the roof here and the offended look on Jason’s face when she starts fighting back says it all.  He is screaming “how dare you” without saying a word.

The ending proved that Tina was right all along.  Her dead father jumps out of the lake to take Jason back to the bottom.  What?!  I guess if one dead guy can come out of that lake, two can.  I would hate to be Tina’s father.  Think about this.  You pull Jason back to the bottom of the lake and now you have to basically live with him and you know that he’s not going to be happy and complain all of the time.  Why would you want to put up with that?

FRIDAY THE 13^TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD is great fun.  It’s not a great movie, but it is so much fun that you have to enjoy it.

Rating: 7/10

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION box sex has been released by Warner Bros. Entertainment and is well worth the price. You can own it on Blu-Ray by clicking here and go to the Facebook Page and like the page. Get your ticket to Crystal Lake and get this collector’s set.

The post Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) –HORROR MOVIE REVIEW appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

In 2009, I watched the “remake” or “re-imaging” of FRIDAY THE 13TH. After the absolutely terrible TCM re-imaginings, I had low expectations for this one and maybe I walked into it not giving it a fair chance. It didn’t capture the spirit of the character and was a very drab and dark look at Jason Voorhees. I think that I originally gave it a 2/10, but four years have passed and I got a chance to let it make a second impression. I am man enough to admit that I was wrong. This film isn’t great, but it’s not all that bad.

We begin with some forgettable characters looking for some marijuana and it’s driving the point home that if you have sex or do drugs, Jason will come and get you. That happens. Jason looks pretty good and they start him off as the “bag head” Jason. He’s towering over everyone and is incredibly violent and quick…and he also is pretty good with archery and throwing axes.

We fast forward a little bit and meet a new group of people…mostly forgettable, but that’s OK. It is, in reality, following the Jason formula on character development. A lot of characters are merely there to die in interesting ways. So, I can’t complain too much about that.

Clay Miller (Jared Padalecki) is in town looking for his missing sister, Whitney (Amanda Righetti). Strangely, Jason has kidnapped her and is holding her hostage. He does a few things that are out of character, but this is a “re-imagining” and in this, he’s not as stupid as he was in the others. He is more of the redneck human version that we saw in FRIDAY THE 13TH III and IV. I do love zombie Jason the best, but this was OK.

Clay meets up with the group and there is a rich prick that immediately starts a fight with him. Trent (Travis Van Winkle) is just a jerk that has been pampered his entire life. You want him to die and you know that it’s inevitable. We have Chewie (Aaron Yoo), a stoner that doesn’t matter too much, Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), Bree (Julianna Guill) and Jenna (Danielle Panabaker) that make up the rest of the group. Chewie and Lawrence are your typical F13 meaningless characters and so too is Bree. They are merely there to be killed. Well, Bree is there to be hot, get naked and then be killed. So, I guess her role wasn’t meaningless. I stand corrected.

Jenna and Clay find a love connection and also discover the lair of Jason, which has a teddy bear, a kid’s bed and the severed head of his mother. They return and the killing spree goes into high gear. Jason (Derek Mears) does a great job in the role and the film is shot very well. Some of the shots were very creative and interesting. The problem that I had when I watched it the first time, I had once again here. The fun factor that made many of the films so great just isn’t here. They tried to go scary and dark and they did try to add a little humor and quirky characters here and there, but it didn’t come together at the end.

FRIDAY THE 13TH is a decent horror film. In the end, it doesn’t feel like a Jason movie. It takes more than a hockey mask and machete, but that’s not to say that this film didn’t deliver in other areas. Had this not been a Jason film, this movie would pass the test as a decent slasher, but it is trying to fill some big shoes. I recommend this movie, but it could have gone through a couple of rewrites before production. All the elements were here for this to be outstanding, but it ends up being just good.

Rating: 6.5/10

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION box sex has been released by Warner Bros. Entertainment and is well worth the price. You can own it on Blu-Ray by clicking here and go to the Facebook Page and like the page. Get your ticket to Crystal Lake and get this collector’s set.

The post Friday the 13th (2009) – Horror Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

In the fourth entry of this series, the slasher was killed.  Jason Voorhees was no more, which is why it was called: “The Final Chapter,” but how many “final” movies are there in a horror franchise?  They are not going to stop making them if they are drawing money and that was certainly the case with the F13 series.  So, we have FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING, a very strange entry in this series and one of the poorest of the bunch, although there are some good moments.

We begin at a home for troubled people of various issues.  We have mentally challenged, violent and some that seems normal but is still stuck there along with the rest.  It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it’s a Jason movie.

Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) is trying to get his life together but is still seeing visions of Jason.  This program is there to help him, but he immediately deals with a little prick by the name of “Reggie the Reckless” (Shavar Ross).  Reggie is there with his grandfather, the cook, and he is about as annoying as it gets, but there are so many annoying characters in this film.  That is almost the point, I guess.  Let’s make every character unlikable and annoying.

Jarvis makes Halloween masks…a fitting hobby for somebody deathly afraid of Jason.  You’d think that he would try to not think of scary things and rather do something happy. He could draw pictures of princesses or pick flowers…but no, he’s making demonic Halloween masks and he scares the shit out of Reggie with them.

In the backyard of this group home, we have Vic (Mark Venturini), who obviously has major problems with his rage.  What better person to have chopping wood with a big axe?  Joey (Dominick Brascia), a slow guy on the heavy side, approaches and offers Vic a candy bar.  When he is turned down, he tells Vic that he’s “really out of line” and those are his last words.  He’s chopped to pieces.

After the untimely death of Joey, Jason appears to return.  A hockey-masked killer is going around and slashing up random people…so random that we never meet them until just before they are killed.  OK, so, many of the deaths are just there to push up the death count.  We have Pete (Corey Parker) and Vinnie (Anthony Barrrile), two men that like to wear leather and hang out with each other.  They break down and then are killed about a minute after we meet them. Reggie’s cousin, Demon (Miguel Nunez JR) and his girlfriend, Anita (Jere Fields) are brought in and they talk about burritos with Reggie and then have the shits and are killed.  Jason is usually far more focused than this.  He’s just randomly running around killing people and not even waiting for them to get done doing their business in the shitter.  How rude!

We have Lana (Rebecca Wood) and her boyfriend, Billy (Bob DeSimone).  Billy was introduced early as the driver of the van that brought Jarvis over and he is established as a pervert. So, they did do some character development here with him, but the next time we see him, he’s doing cocaine and picking up his girlfriend, Lana, at the diner.  Lana shows her tits to the mirror and says “it’s showtime” and then finds Billy dead and then she’s taken out.  Jeez.  This is more senseless killing.  What was Jason doing at the diner anyway?  He can’t leave Crystal Lake!

We have more useless characters with Ethel (Carol Locatell) and her son Junior (Ron Sloan).  They don’t like the kids having sex outside near their property and complain often to the police.  They are back wood, white trash, incredibly stupid characters that at least have some screen time.  I was amused by Junior…I have to admit and Ethel calling him a “big dildo” was amusing too.  These two may get a pass, but not by much.  Here is some of the great writing used to develop Ethyl: “You big dildo. Eat your fucking slop! Ain’t I make the best goddamned stew in the whole wide world?”  I’m laughing now…so, it’s obviously good writing.

Pointless character after pointless character is taken out and then it’s a battle and Reggie the Reckless is kicking Jason’s ass.  I hate when kids fight and beat up adults.  It’s unrealistic and Reggie needed to die in this.  He was so annoying, but he makes it and we were in for a shocker: Jason was not the killer.  It was (spoiler if you care), Joey’s father seeking revenge.  WHAT?!!!  What the hell did Pete, Vinnie, Lana, Ethyl, Junior, Demon, Anita, and the rest had to do with the death of Joey? If anything, Vic should have had his guts ripped out, but Joey’s crazy father (who looks at the camera with a mean look every time he’s on to tell you he’s the killer) just killed to kill.  Maybe it’s just blind rage.  He just couldn’t control his anger for the death of his son, but if his son was so important to him, why did he let him rot in that group home? Joey would be a pain in the ass around the house, but if you gave him a peanut butter sandwich and an Xbox, he’d be fine.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NEW BEGINNING is terrible. It’s amusing at times, but it makes no sense.  As much as I love Jason, I can’t recommend this one.

Rating: 2.5/10

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION box sex is released this Friday by Warner Bros. Entertainment and is well worth the price. You can own it on Blu-Ray by clicking here and go to the Facebook Page and like the page. Get your ticket to Crystal Lake and get this collector’s set.

The post Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) – HORROR MOVIE REVIEW appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

After the disaster that was FRIDAY THE 13TH PART V: A NEW BEGINNING, the series had to return with something good. They actually had to bring Jason back. The fake Jason went over as well as any other fake, but Jason was dead and you can’t bring back the dead…but this is a horror movie…so, of course you can.

We begin with Tommy Jarvis (Thom Matthews) and Hawes (Ron Palillo), on the road, escaping from the mental hospital to bring some street justice to Jason. “Jason belongs in hell and I’m going to see that he gets there,” Tommy notes as they drive to the cemetery. Keep in mind, at this point, Jason is nothing more than a dead hillbilly and, as far as I know, dead hillbillies stay dead. This is the exception to that rule. Jarvis digs him up and drives a metal fence post through his heart. Unfortunately, lightning hits it and that brings a new zombie Jason to life. Alice Cooper said it best: “He’s back…he’s the man behind the mask…and he’s out of control.” Well, maybe Cooper didn’t even see the movie, but he got the point. Jason is back.

Of course, we have camp counselors again and the majority is forgettable characters…there merely for Jason to take out in quick fashion. One of the better characters is Sheriff Garris (David Kagen). When Tommy storms into the police station, Garris immediately gets irritated. He wants the people to forget that this place was Crystal Lake, but the return of Jarvis is going to make it tough. Garris has some great lines throughout the film and brings much amusement.

Jarvis becomes a thorn in the side of Garris, especially when he starts getting romantically involved with his daughter, Megan (Jennifer Cooke). She sees beyond his claims of a zombie murderer and his mental problematic past and only sees love and a future. It must have been that cool denim jacket with the fake white fur lining. That used to drive women crazy in the 80s. At least I heard it did. I had one and it didn’t help me at all.

Jason (C.J. Graham) is very cool in this film. He looks great and is very menacing, but there are certain elements that I really hate. I hate the paintball guns characters. They are so over the top ridiculous that it takes away from the film. I know it was there for comic relief but I cringed when I watched it. Jason kills them quickly, thankfully, but they rank up there with the most annoying characters in horror history. Jason deserved better than this!!!

Another character that I could do without is Martin (Bob Larkin), the gravedigger that feels the need to turn to the camera a few times to talk to the audience. I hate that. We don’t need any of that, but they feel the need to add it as yet another piece of comic relief. He says things like “fart head” and then says “you’ll be the death of me” before he dies to his bottle of whiskey. He is just an unnecessary and unfunny character.

Jarvis and Jason have a final showdown and it gets really neat. It’s very neat looking when Tommy goes to the middle of the lake in a boat and sets the water on fire. I don’t think that it did anything to hurt Jason, but it made him think. Maybe this Tommy guy isn’t that bad…he has style. That lighting the water on fire was pretty neat.

The good guys win, the annoying kids rejoice, and Jason is stuck at the bottom of the lake. He is down, but not out. I have to say that Jarvis should have left him buried, but he made up for the mistake pretty well. At the bottom of the lake, there is no way for him to cause any trouble…unless a girl with telekinesis comes along and brings him out of it.

FRIDAY THE 13TH PART IV: JASON LIVES is a fun movie with plenty of irritating characters. The kids are especially annoying, but the good heavily outweighs the bad and the film is a lot of fun. I highly recommend it.

Rating: 7/10

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION box sex is released this Friday by Warner Bros. Entertainment and is well worth the price. You can own it on Blu-Ray by clicking here and go to the Facebook Page and like the page. Get your ticket to Crystal Lake and get this collector’s set.

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This Friday the 13th, Warner Bros. Home Entertainment releases the FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION box sex, featuring all 12 films and a bonus disc. I was able to get my hands on a copy and I’m a huge fan of this series and was eager to add this to my collection of horror Blu-rays.

Immediately, the packaging for this series is appealing. The films come in a tin case that features Jason Voorhees on the cover. It is something that you want to own as a fan of the franchise, but it gets better. When you open the case, you get a 40-page color booklet that covers the history of the series and a Camp Crystal Lake embroidered Counselor patch.

The discs are displayed well in a book, each featuring a scene from the film. Below is a breakdown of the discs that you get with this collection:

• Disc 1 – Friday the 13th (1980)
• Disc 2 – Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)
• Disc 3 – Friday the 13th Part 3 in 3D (1982)
• Disc 4 – Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (1984) NEW TO BLU-RAY
• Disc 5 – Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (1985) / Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) NEW TO BLU-RAY
• Disc 6 – Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (1988) / Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) NEW TO BLU- RAY
• Disc 7 – Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) / Jason X (2002) NEW TO BLU-RAY
• Disc 8 – Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
• Disc 9 – Friday the 13th (2009) (Theatrical Version and “Killer Cut” Extended Version)
• Disc 10 – Killer Bonus DVD Disc

The films look great on Blu-ray and this set is full of extras, including deleted scenes and alternate scenes. You get to see what the filmmakers wanted you to see before the MPAA got their claws into it. In FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD, you get to see the gore that they wanted to put in along with the ending that they envisioned. This is common with every movie in this set. You get to see more of the films that you love and you get to see them in high definition. I own many of these on DVD and there is no comparison when you watch them side by side. They really made these films look great and the special features will keep you busy for a long time.

If you are a Jason fan, you really can’t do any better than this. There was a lot of thought that went into this set and it is a collector’s set. I grew up with in the 1980s and grew up watching these films and to be able to watch them all, learn the back stories and see the footage that I’ve never seen before is a great thing for a FRIDAY THE 13TH fan. I’ve always liked the metal cases that they use for collector’s set and this one is the nicest I’ve seen. It’s a treasure chest of slashing goodness. You also get digital versions of all 12 films with Ultraviolet, giving you the chance to watch these films on your smartphone, game consoles and more.

FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION box sex is released this Friday by Warner Bros. Entertainment and is well worth the price. You can own it on Blu-Ray by clicking here and go to the Facebook Page and like the page. Get your ticket to Crystal Lake and get this collector’s set.

Rating: 10/10 – A Great Collection

The post Friday the 13th: The Complete Collection – Blu Ray Box Set Horror Movie Review appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

When Friday the 13th appears on your calendar, what do you think? I naturally feel something may go wrong, then having to pinch myself and remind myself it is only a superstition… Well that was not the case for the poor young folks at Crystal Lake in this movie from yesteryear, and this movie doesn’t really need an introduction as I would imagine you have probably watched it… Or have you?

Okay, maybe you haven’t or perhaps it has been a while, so I will just do a brief introduction to the movie; just too kind of jog your memory.

“Camp Crystal lake” is to be reopened and youngsters, Alice (Adrienne King) Marcie (Jeannine Taylor), Jack (Kevin Bacon), Bill (Harry Crosby), Brenda (Laurie Bartram) and Ned (Mark Nelson) are to run the new summer camp with, Steve Christy (Peter Brouwer) being the owner and having had the camp within his family name since the tragedy of 1957, in which a young boy named Jason, drowned within the lake, while the counsellors who were supposed to have been watching over him were too busy flirting and basically neglecting to do their duty. And ever since that day the camp as had nothing but bad luck, becoming known by the locals as camp blood.

Annie (Robbi Morgan) is also to work at the camp though is the first to die after being picked up by the murderer, as she was backpacking her way there.

Then it isn’t too long before the young folk at the camp begin to be murdered one by one and what is so surprising, before one or two of them are killed, obviously unaware they have met the killer they seem friendly towards the killer, until it is too late…

Well it isn’t too long until the Antagonist as evened the odds and there is just one remaining, young Alice…

Now let’s go back to the beginning, when Jason drowned, imagine that it was our present day and a young boy had drowned while on summer camp, I am sure heads would roll, law suits would be chasing the camp owners, as for the mother of the drowned boy, don’t they say there is no greater love than mother and child and what lengths would that woman go to for revenge of her son…

“Jason should have been watched, every minute.”

“He was just a boy.”

In many ways this movie like most slasher films is a story of tragedy and how unfortunately the innocent become the victims of that tragedy.

It leaves me to say, this Friday the 13th being the one that launched the franchise will always be to me the best of the entire franchise, why? Oh come on, you know why, we all were suspecting a man to be the killer wasn’t we now…

Rating: 10/10

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As a horror fan, Jason Voorhees is an icon to me.  I actually have a cardboard standup of him and Freddy Krueger in my house right in front of a Rocky Horror Picture Show poster.  I’m not saying that every Friday the 13^th is great.  They are all better than the awful Michael Bay reimagining, but some are pretty bad.

Many say that Friday the 13^th A New Beginning is dreadful.  They argue that the film is horrible in nearly every way.  The fact that Jason Voorhees isn’t the killer offends many.  It’s sort of the same feeling people have about Halloween III. It has nothing to do with the rest of the series.  Michael Myers is only in it on a trailer for Halloween as a character is watching TV.  Still, I think that Halloween III is a great film and had people not expected Myers when going into the movie, I think it would have a better reputation among the horror community.

Admittedly, the absence of Voorhees isn’t the only issue.  The lead character, Tommy Jarvis (John Shepherd) has less than 30 words in the whole production.  The kills are more than disappointing.  They’re too quick and not imaginative enough.  This may be because of the MPAA.  In 1985 they ordered 16 scenes within the film to be edited to acquire an R rating.  So, I have to give them a pass on the murders and put the blame where it belongs.   I think the members of the Motion Picture Association of America who made this judgment are going to have a lot of explaining to do when they meet their maker.  I have it on good authority that the man upstairs LOVES horror films.

People poke fun of the characters and their lack of development.  They claim that the plot has so many holes and makes little sense.  Basically, they dismiss the movie as trash.

Okay, so the movie has some problems.  I openly admit that the film is bad…but I LOVE it.  It’s one of those movies that is so bad it’s good.  It’s sort of like 88 Minutes.  It makes no sense and is absolutely insane.  It’s a crazy rollercoaster filled with attempted surprises and finger-pointing at everyone, but I’m buckled in and ready for the ride.

So, the film opens up with a flashback to the previous film.  Tommy was much younger and played by Corey Feldman.  I had the biggest crush on Corey Feldman when I was a kid.  I really wish they would make another real Friday the 13^th with Corey reprising the role as Tommy.

Nonetheless, when the flashback ends we see that Tommy is much older and is being brought to a very strange center/institution/teenage hangout.  This institution allows Tommy to carry a knife and have super scary masks.  They also allow Vic (Mark Venturini), a patient who has violent tendencies, to chop wood with an axe.  That was a big mistake because he got pissed off at Joey (Dominick Brascia), a mentally challenged orphan and kills him.

The paramedics and police come.  They throw a sheet over Joey which gets ridiculously covered in blood.  Seriously when you watch the movie next time look at how much blood is on the sheet.  It’s insane.  The police arrest Vic as all the troubled and mentally challenged teenagers are watching.

Now this facility, whatever it is, is the most inefficient place and has the most incompetent staff I’ve ever seen.  First, the leaders are practically never around.  There are both girls and boys in the same place and they’re allowed free time alone without any supervision.  Remember, these are troubled kids and they’re allowed to do whatever they want whenever they want.

The facility is never fully explained.  There are never any therapy sessions or anything to indicate that these kids have something pushing them to get well.

Soon, all the teenagers start getting killed.  The movie points the finger at practically everyone in the film.  What is very strange is as soon as the film says, “hey, this guy may be the killer” they immediately kill them off.  For some reason they really don’t show the killer dressed like Jason until the end.  The best part is that the real killer is so obvious.  I’m going to give it away so there is a spoiler below, but considering this movie came out nearly 30 years ago, I think I’m safe.

The paramedic that came to the scene is actually Joey’s father.  He never had anything to do with his son and Joey had no idea who he was.  After Joey died, the paramedic went crazy.  There’s no indication that he killed Vic but he murdered everyone else who was in the vicinity of the facility.

Once he’s stopped by Jarvis and company, the greatest thing ever on screen happens.  In his wallet, he has a picture of himself and a picture of Joey.  Now, that’s cool.  The picture of Joey is recent and considering he had nothing to do with his kid, it’s strange, but okay.  I can buy that.  What is the most awesome thing in the world is the newspaper clippings he had kept with him.  They were all of Jason Voorhees.  One of them is from the day that Jason died and here’s the awesome part – there’s a huge picture of Jason on the newspaper.  Where did it come from?  Did Jason pose for the picture?  Was it his license photo?  Did someone sneak up, take his picture and live to tell about it?  I want answers!  It’s hilarious and ridiculous.

As ridiculous is after Tommy helps kill the paramedic, he starts seeing Jason.  He goes crazy, puts on a mask and grabs a knife.

The End…. .Now people actually dislike this film.  It’s fantastic.  Does it feel like a Friday the 13^th?   No, it doesn’t.  It feels like a really bad whodunit, but still it’s great.  There are amazing moments that are hilarious.  There are things like obvious body doubles during fight scenes and bodies being moved from one bed to another without reason.  Even the mask didn’t fit the killer correctly.  It was far too big.

It’s just a really fun film.  Is it scary?  Hell no.  Is it funny?  Yeah.  One has to really appreciate something that is so awful to really enjoy this movie and this one I could watch 100 times.

Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10

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Here we go people. This is the main event of the evening. It’s a rematch from 2003, where the two biggest names in horror collided in a bout that is still being debated to this day. Who won? It is hard to say, but let’s go over what we know.

In the 2003, FREDDY VS. JASON,” we saw the smarter Krueger use his wits and obvious advantages in the dream world to control the large killing machine, Voorhees to do his bidding. Eventually, a group of smart kids, were able to find a way to bring Freddy out of the dream world and make him face off with Jason in an one on one match. This is where Jason shined. He used his brute strength to beat Freddy up, but to the surprise of many, Krueger was far better outside of the dream world then people gave him credit for.

In the original NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, Nancy was able to use some explosives and fire to hurt Freddy…so it was hard to imagine Jason having any trouble should he encounter Krueger in the real world, but he did. Perhaps Freddy learned to be prepared after his run-in with Nancy.

At the end of the 2003 flick, Jason was the recognized winner, but the jovial Freddy made many think that he just lost interest in the fight and moved on. The matter just wasn’t settled. Now, here we are, 10 years later, and the public has demanded that these two go at it.

The negotiations were horrific with Jason demanding a fight outside of the dream world and Freddy insisting that they battle it out in his realm. In the end, the defending champion, Jason, had the right, and the fight will take place at Crystal Lake. Jason is a 3-1 favorite going into this.

THE BREAKDOWN

Jason Voorhees
11 movies, 1 remake
120+ kills
Scared Stiff Record: 2-0
Current Condition: Zombie

Strengths – Power, size, ability to take a punch, cannot be killed.
Weaknesses – Gets frustrated, can’t think on his feet, very self-conscious about his looks, goes into sleep mode when buried or chained to a rock in a lake.

Jason is one of the most intimidating horror icons that is just a tower of power to say the least. He tends to use basic weapons like an axe or machete, but he has also been spotted using power tools. He doesn’t need a weapon because of his strength, often using his power to break people in two. A veteran of 12 films (OK, #5, #9, #10 and the remake we should probably not count), Jason brings experience into this fight and is also looking for closure.

Freddy Krueger
8 movies, 1 remake
40+ kills
Current Condition: Demon

Strengths – Intelligence, nearly invincible in the dream world, constantly improving and learning, and doesn’t take life or death too seriously.
Weaknesses – Overconfidence, outside of the dream world, he isn’t that impressive. He loses power if people do not believe in him and is not a fan of Dokken.

Freddy Krueger is as tough as they come. He uses his in-dream skills to dominate and destroy anyone that gets into his way. He is living off of his grudge towards the parents that caused his demise, but seems to like the new job he has in death. He is not a dream lover. He is a dream assassin. His main weapon is his finger-knives, but he uses various items and techniques in the dream world.

THE FIGHT

The Freddy music blasts as young children sing his them: “One, Two, Freddy’s coming for you…” Immediately, Freddy doesn’t seem too comfortable in the real world. He is noticeably anxious but walks to the center of the woods and starts shadowboxing. Word has it that he put 50,000 bucks on himself to win. At 3-1, that’s a lot of finger-knives.

With a 2-0 record in the Scared Stiff Horror Battles, out comes Jason Voorhees with machete in hand. He storms to the center of the woods, ready to get it on and get it over with. With both icons in facing off, this battle is about to begin.

Immediately, Jason begins throwing Freddy around like a ragdoll. Freddy is taking a beating. Jason pins Freddy to a tree and starts landing vicious body shots. The parents of the kids that Freddy has killed are cheering loudly as they watch this battle on PPV at home. This fight could be over quickly as Freddy slumps to the ground.

Jason makes the mistake of overconfidence as he turns to the crowd and flexes his muscles, allowing Freddy to reach into his pants and grab some sleeping powder. When Jason returns, he gets a face-full and quickly dozes off. This is now a winnable fight for Freddy, who finds his way back into his realm and is ready to do some damage.

Jason awakens inside the nightmare boiler room world and jumps to his feet. Freddy approaches casually and starts throwing Jason around, bashing him into walls and launching him like a football, smashing through metal and landing in a mangled heap. The underdog looks like a clear winner here.

As Freddy is about to deliver the death blow, Jason disappears. Somehow he woke up. Back at Crystal Lake, Cropsy of THE BURNING fame has shown up and has given Jason an emergency shot of caffeine via a Trenta Starbucks iced coffee. When Jason awakes, Cropsy nods, takes his hedge clippers and moves along, but would later say that: “I was taken advantage of when I was sleeping and I’m not going to sit back and let it happen to somebody else.”

As Jason gets his faculties together, he storms around the woods, but Freddy is nowhere to be found. It appears that he is not coming back. The crowd reaches the count of 10 and Jason is declared the winner, bringing his record to 3-0, but this is once again, an unsatisfying victory. Freddy lost but he wasn’t beaten.

WINNER: JASON VOORHEES

And Now a Special Treat Horror Fans – Get All of the NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETS in one Awesome Set!

“Don’t fall asleep” — words to live by for Elm Street teens. Not a problem for fans wide awake with fear (and glee) as they experience these 7 Nightmare movies released from 1984 to 2003. Each features Robert Englund’s masterfully macabre incarnation of slouch-hatted, razor-fingered Freddy Krueger, who mixes wicked wit with even wickeder mayhem as he haunts teens when they’re asleep and most vulnerable. A newspaper article about children who died after having fearsome nightmares provided the real-life springboard for filmmaker Wes Craven’s breakthrough series. Perhaps that underlying reality helps make these shockers so unnerving. Or maybe it’s just that we all like a good scare…and that this series consistently, imaginatively delivers some of the best.

All original Nightmares on 5 discs. Plus the new featurette – The Tales and Crimes of Freddy Krueger

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