By Geno McGahee

I really liked THE CONJURING and THE CONJURING 2.  Considering that the second was a better film than the first, I was really interested in seeing this latest entry, but I had my reservations.  What’s being called “THE CONJURING UNIVERSE” has some good films and some not so good films.  THE NUN was complete shit.  THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA wasn’t good.  So, this third entry could go either way.

We begin with the Warrens, Ed (Patrick Wilson) and his wife, Lorraine (Vera Farmiga), and they are once again hip deep in demonic territory.  The current problem is a possessed child, David (Julian Hilliard), and they are getting ready to get the exorcism on, but it doesn’t go as planned.  I immediately have to give this film credit.  It knows how to create suspense and atmosphere, but, why all the bad CGI demons and special effects?  It’s like they have two different people editing this.  One is superb and one wants to turn it into a Resident Evil video game.

During the exorcism, Arne (Ruairi O’Connor), grabs David and demands that the demon enters his body.  Demons are pretty reasonable and take him up on the offer, but they sort of let that go.  There’s the assumption that the demon has taken off and will not be a problem anymore, but, sadly, that is not the case.  Arne is pretty fucked and begins to get haunted by the demon.  At one point he drops a chainsaw and it almost cuts a guy’s dick off.  Maybe not.  If the guy walked faster, there was a chance it could have gotten him in the crotch.

As time goes on, Arne gets worse and kills his annoying landlord/co-worker/whatever he is, Bruno (Ronnie Gene Blevins).  The demon tricks Arne into thinking Bruno is something demonic and Arne hands him his ass with a knife and now he’s fucked and will be going to the chair as a murderer.  He will also feel the wrath of Bubba in the cell if Ed and Lorraine can’t find a way to prove that he is innocent.  As the title indicates, the devil made him do it. 

During this time, Ed has been suffering from heart issues.  That little shit, David, gave him a heart attack and he’s been pretty fucked ever since.  He has forged on with his wife to try to save Arne in his court case where he pleaded “not guilty by reasons of demonic possession.” You don’t hear that every day. This was “based on a true story” but fuck, I think they may have made some of this stuff up. 

I don’t know if the filmmakers understand what scares an audience.  The first two films were pretty good and had some scares, but this one has this idea that if the CGI demons twitch a lot, people shit their pants.  Maybe it is scary to some, but it really took me out of the film and what bothered me the most was the CGI fat fuck that showed up twice.  While the duo were investigating, they go to a morgue and there’s this big fat fuck lying on the table, dead.  The demonic force brings him to life and it’s so bad.   I was happy when it was over.  First, he looked really really fake, but secondly, it wasn’t remotely scary.   To make matters worse, they bring him back a second time.  I hope he’s not part of the universe in any other film. 

A new character called “The Occultist”, played by Eugenie Bondurant, is causing all the problems and now Ed and Lorraine must battle her and save Arne, but also save Ed.  Ed has been tainted by the demon and mistook his wife for that big fat demon thing that we saw twice.  He is now part of this curse thing and to save everyone, that damn Occultist must have her ass handed to her.

THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT is, by far, the weakest of the 3 entries in this branch of the universe.  It’s better than THE NUN and THE CURSE OF LA LLORONA, but it’s all over the place.  At times, there is great suspense and incredible dialogue.    At other times, it’s laughingly bad.  The film just didn’t hold together very well and the focus wasn’t there.  The CGI is bad.  I’m sorry to bring up the fat CGI guy again, but I see fat guys every day and the role wasn’t demanding.  They could have hired one of them and painted him up like a corpse and it would have been way more impactful.  

I guess I recommend THE CONJURING: THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT, but not by much. It’s worth a watch, but not worth many scares. 

Rating: 5.5/10

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The bro picked this movie up on a whim after seeing the trailer. I had never heard of it, but the setup sounded really good. It was a conspiracy flick that teased both Satanism and aliens.  What’s better than Satanism and aliens, you ask.  Well, only one thing: Satanic Aliens.  That would be awesome. Why hasn’t anyone made a movie about Satanic Aliens yet?  I guess this is a good time for a warning to anyone reading this review.  It is 9:00 AM, I haven’t slept much and I’m still a bit high from my 3 AM dose of ganja –so this whole thing probably won’t make sense. Imma try though.

The film opens with Ruben (Robert Urich) who is our main protagonist. If written today he’d be a villain, but back in the early 80s filmmakers still understood nuance and how to write a flawed hero. He’s homophobic, a recovering alcoholic, a little hands-y with the ladies and often just a dick, but he’s portrayed by 1980s Robert Urich so he’s hawt AF!  I mean, sexiness does get one quite a bit of points with me.

Ruben is a retired cop because he’s sick of judges letting criminals go free. He’s a rebel and a troubled soul, but trying to be good. He takes custody of his tomboy teenage daughter Mackenzie (Marin Kanter) who has some unresolved hatred for her dad. He’s been out of her life mostly and when in it a drunk, so she’s got reason to be pissed.

As Ruben tries to put together a book, he travels to a small town to hang with his journalist bud Joe (Paul Dooley).  Joe is cool shit. He doesn’t give a fuck about the fuzz. If they tell him not to do a story, he’s gonna dig twice as deep cuz he’s just that type of mofo.

Meanwhile, RAWR RAWR Harriet Purdue (JoBeth Williams) is being signed in as the town’s sheriff. She’s a badass fem. I love her. She’s tough but still super feminine and has a killer sexy smile. Imma love me some JoBeth Williams.

Harriet works under Ben Morgan (Hoyt Axton) who I guess is the lead sheriff. Maybe, Harriet is a junior sheriff. I’m not sure. The townspeople elected her and it’s not made quite clear, but just look at Ben as the super duper cop and Harriet as the minor duper cop.

Soon all these cows start getting mutilated. Their organs are removed, but their carcasses remain. When it happens there are lights seen in the sky hinting it might be aliens, but there’s also Satanic graffiti and rumors of a cult which makes the culprit unknown. When Harriet brings up the alien theory, she’s laughed at.

One man not laughing is Joe. He starts investigating the case.  It’s not surprising he’d be upset about the murdered cows. Less cows means less burgers and Wimpy won’t take that shit from no one. He will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today, but he can’t do that if all the cows are cut up to shit, son! If you don’t get this reference, amp up your Popeye studies.

Ruben is noticed immediately upon entering town when Mackenzie is caught illegally driving by Harriet. Harriet is tough with Ruben but the two have chemistry. Imma mean, it’s JoBeth Williams and Robert Urich. Of course, they have chemistry! RAWR RAWR RAWR

As Ruben, Harriet and Joe start looking into the cattle issue, Ben tries to stop them. That man is up to no good. Gizmo would be so disappointed in him. If you don’t get this reference, amp up your Gremlins study.  I mean – we’re talking classics, people!

Sadly, Ruben has a relapse and gets drunk. He shows up at Harriet’s place and she lets him in. She even allows him to take a shower! She brings him in a towel, and he decides to do a little grab-a-grab!

Now remember, nuance people. I’m not saying Ruben is a perfect dude. He should not have tried to do a little grab-a-grab! That’s a bad, bad Ruben, but in his defense – he is hawt AF.  Harriet knows some self-defense and beats the shit out of him a bit. He backs off pretty quick. They call it an attack in the film a few times and to a degree it was, but Imma not jumping on the attempted rape bandwagon.  He was chill afterwards. His pride was hurt and he essentially says he tried because the rumor was she was a slut, so yeah – sometimes he’s a dick. Still, RAWR RAWR Robert Urich. Imma watch you shower anyways!

When he sobers up, he’s apologetic. Soon, Harriet is up for a little grab-a-grab herself. The two have some real fun. RAWR RAWR JoBeth Williams – you go and get yourself some. Spenser is definitely for hire!  Now just call over Coach for a threesome and you got a real party going on.

Peeps start getting nosebleeds in town and some even start dying mysteriously. The closer Harriet and Ruben get to the truth, the more shit goes down. Imma not giving you any spoilers so watch this movie, bro.

The conclusion could have gone a bit longer and showed a bit more, but ENDANGERED SPECIES (1983) is still a solid conspiracy flick with great actors, an intense plot and a predictable but fun twist.

Imma suggest this one if you haven’t seen it. It’s great. I loved it. I miss Robert Urich. I’m gonna hang on his cloud for more than a minute when I get there.

Peter Coyote also has a small role in this film. I have loved him ever since LEGEND OF BILLIE JEAN (1985).  He had a mustache in this flick. I didn’t like it. If he wasn’t Peter Coyote I would have said, “your stash is trash.” He didn’t have a beard though so I could not have honestly followed it with, “your beard is weird.”  I miss those Just For Men ads.

In the end, the moral to this flick is simple. If you’re going to mutilate an animal don’t do it to cows. They’re cool shit. Do it to show horses instead. Show horses are smug assholes that think they’re better than me and I hate them so I wouldn’t care about them.  At least, I think that was the moral. I was high when I watched this.

WOOT WOOT! I think I almost made sense in this review. I’m gonna pat myself on the back.

Scared Stiff Rating: 7.5/10

Also, if you want buy my gypsy stuff: https://www.etsy.com/shop/GypsySpiritTarot

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I want a book co-written by the Devil so I can attain immortality! That has A Missy written all over it, as does the movie THE NINTH GATE (1999). Shockingly, I never saw this flick. It snuck past my radar the first time around and thereafter I kept confusing it with SECRET WINDOW (2004).   

Thankfully, someone most special recommended it. When I saw it was directed by Roman Polanski, I was in like Flynn.  Hate the man, but love the art!

THE NINTH GATE opens with antique bookstore co-owner Dean Corso (Johnny Depp) scamming an old dude out of some green. Corso has a bad, yet well-deserved, reputation for buying books from unwitting owners. He convinces them to take pennies on the dollar and then turns a profit. When confronted about his deceptive ways, he nonchalantly acknowledges his behavior, without a shred of remorse. He’s both smug and arrogant.

Later, Boris Balkan (Frank Langella) phones Dean for some help. Boris is an author, public speaker and a bibliographer. He specializes on works involving witches, the occult and particularly Satan, himself.  

Balkan obtained a copy of The Nine Gates of the Kingdoms and wants to verify its authenticity, as forgeries are a common game in the book world. If real, the book was co-authored by Satan and provides instructions to conjure the Devil and provide unlimited power and immortality to the reader. There are only three copies written and Balkan believes two to be fakes. He hires Dean to fly to Europe where the other two copies are and to find out which of the three is real.

Initially, it is Corso’s greed that makes him pursue the case. He wants money and Balkan is handing it over.  Soon, he finds himself regretting his decision yet pulled in by the mystery.

Dean’s first visit is to Liana (Lena Olin) who was married to the man who sold the book to Balkan. Her husband killed himself and she was unaware that he sold it. She confides that before hanging himself, he began acting erratic though she dismisses that he was attempting to summon the devil.

Liana has secrets and a more difficult time parting with the book than she lets on. Mystery and unusual circumstances continue to follow Corso as his partner at the book shop, Bernie (James Russo) is murdered after hiding Balkan’s book. This leads Dean to nearly stop researching, but Boris insists he continue.

Corso then travels to Spain where he realizes Lucifer did mark The Nine Gates of the Kingdom of Shadows with his initials, adding credence to his presence during the time it was written.

Upon travelling to Portugal and Paris, he sees that Lucifer’s trademark was in each copy, but done in a different way. He concludes that none of the books are forgeries and instead all three books and all nine illustrations are needed to summon the devil and obtain immortality.

In Portugal, a Sexy Fem Goddess (Emmanuelle Seigner) begins following Corso. She is helpful to him and sparks fly between the two.  She’s got vamp, fem strength and a flare about her. She’s tough, drives a motorcycle and is very mysterious – so mysterious that she doesn’t offer a name. Instead, Dean just calls her “green eyes.”

First, he assumes she works for Balkan, but is more than a little intrigued and taken with her. He doesn’t put up much resistance and is game to play when the opportunity presents itself.  Imma can’t blame him. The girl is H-A-W-T…HOT!

While in Paris, he learns from the Baroness Kessler (Barbara Jefford) and owner of the third book, that the cult, who believes in The Ninth Gate, believe they owe their wealth and success to Satan and they also partake in orgies – WOOT! WOOT!   Imma love satanic orgies!

In the end, we see the true motives of Liana, Balkan and green eyes. When Corso obtains the nine images necessary to perform the ritual, he too has a decision to make. No spoilers from me though – so watch the movie.

THE NINTH GATE was a fantastic throwback to 1970s horror. It has some of the same pace and stylistic choices of the THE OMEN (1976) mixed with the mystery and storytelling of RACE WITH THE DEVIL (1975). Both thought-provoking and suspenseful, the film delivers on all fronts.

Depp does a stellar job in the lead and Seigner brings a much needed passion, prowess and fem energy to the production. Langella rock & rolled like he usually does and gave an amazing performance. That dude can do anything. Give him a phone book and Imma sit in front of my TV and watch that cat read it.

I can’t suggest this one enough. It’s a mix of a compelling plot, well-developed characters, intrigue and a few well-timed twists that makes THE NINTH GATE not only a memorable flick, but one that has great re-watch value. Buy this baby!! A Missy says so.

Scared Stiff Rating: 8.5/10

The post The Ninth Gate (1999) –   Horror Movie Review [Roman Polanski, Johnny Depp, Frank Langella, Emmanuelle Seigner] appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

I love the three POLTERGEIST movies from the original series.  Admittedly, the first is the best, but I personally find the highest level of enjoyment from the third. I love horror movies with mirrors. That said, the second sits with me the most, and that’s because of one man…. one mean, old, scary dead man. Rev. Henry Kane (Julian Beck) scares the bejeezus out of me and he always has.

For those who haven’t seen it, allow me to fill you in on the plot. After all, this is a review – kind of.  The Freeling family is back, minus the eldest daughter as sadly the actress from the OG was murdered in real life. I gotta say it was a class act on the part of the filmmakers not recasting her. I appreciate things like that!

Steve (Craig T. Nelson) and Diane (JoBeth Williams) with their son Robbie (Oliver Robbins) and young daughter Carol Anne (Heather O’Rourke) are pretty much flat broke. They’re staying with Diane’s mom Jess (Geraldine Fitzgerald), but shortly after moving in Jess dies. Carol Anne knows before anyone else as she gets a phone call on her toy telephone from who she believes is Jess. Shit is about to get real as Jess isn’t the only spirit contacting the young girl.

Rev. Kane is first introduced as Carol Anne wanders off by herself while Diane is walking around.  Seriously, Diane?!  What the fuck? After what happened to your kids, pay attention you crazy bitch!

Rev Kane shows up and starts talking to her. He sings in this chilling voice that is hauntingly chipper. It’s purposely affected and brilliantly portrayed by Beck. He had this way of making the audience see the evil that lurked underneath the character.

Now as super brave as I am, Kane scares me! He always has! Imma punch that old fucker in his face if he comes around kids while I’m there.  Sing your bullshit tunes elsewhere! Get to stepping – you demon ghost bitch.  Maybe, I’ll be a paranormal investigator. With tactics like that, I may have a knack for it.

Now the Rev’s back-story is a cool one.  It’s actually one I wish was fleshed out more. What we know is that the dude was a crazy ass cult leader with actual special powers. He brought his followers into the catacombs and killed them. Usually, I’m all for cult leaders but this dude didn’t even give his members Kool-Aid or Nikes before putting their lights out. Lame!

Carol Anne is smarter than her mom and has better intuition. Whereas Diane sees an eccentric elderly gent, Carol knows Kane is an evil motherfucker.

Meanwhile, Steve is going thru an existential crisis.  He doesn’t feel like a man because of everything that’s going on. First asshole ghosts, then finding out they only moved the headstones and they didn’t move the bodies and now he’s poor – the man is dealing with a lot.  Just when things couldn’t get worse, short little weirdo Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein) sends over a Native American shaman Taylor (Will Sampson). Taylor makes Steve even more insecure in his role as patriarch. Fuck Tangina! I always hated that bitch.

Now, I’m 25% Cherokee, but Taylor is the real REAL deal. He works in fire magic, visions and all that jazz whereas Steve is running around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to save Robbie from demonic braces that grow out of his head and nearly suffocate him. Robbie even starts looking up to Taylor and wears war paint.

So Steve is a pretty beaten man, when Kane stops by. Do you believe the Rev was just in the neighborhood?  Imma don’t. That old bitch is stalking Carol Anne. He gets in Steve’s head and starts talking trash about Taylor. Taylor and the Rev have some eternal heat going on. They’ve been fighting for generations….or something. It’s not completely explained, but this is a battle that’s been going on for ages.

When the Rev shit talks Taylor to Steve, Steve nearly buys it. Thankfully, he momentarily snaps back into reality and then Kane blows everything by losing his cool.  He bangs on the door and screams, “you’re all gonna die!!!”  Not very subtle, Rev. I like to think of him in that scene as a crazy Jehovah’s Witness.  I like him a little bit when I do that. I’d be a Jehovah’s Witness if that was the door-to-door protocol.

Steve sinks deeper into depression and ends up drinking straight-up tequila, worm and all. A demon takes over and he throws up this really cool looking creature. H.R. Giger, the special effects guru from ALIEN (1979) did the designs for POLTERGEIST II. Sadly, he wasn’t there when the actual effects were put into fruition so much of his eye, attention to detail and overall feel is all but lost. The one exception is this scene. It’s neat and looks quite a bit like what Giger intended. I love it! Its smile is just fucked up and horrifying.

In the end, Kane takes Carol Anne because she can help him capture more souls on the other side. The whole family jumps in to save her and bring her back as Taylor tries to help them while Steve reclaims his manhood by working together to rescue his fam.

I like this flick, but I’m fully aware that Kane makes this movie. Beck’s portrayal is so disturbing, but he nails every moment.

Though, certainly not as good as the first and not nearly as fun as the third, POLTERGEIST II still delivers a movie worth a watch. It has a few of the scariest scenes in the series, including one with a porcelain doll that moves on its own. It’s not as in your face as the clown in the first, but Robbie’s brace fiasco makes up for that a bit.

Currently, this is on PRIME and HULU so watch it if you’re bored or just in the mood to see Craig T. Nelson. That man is cool shit.

Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10

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For my 40^th birthday, I went to see READY OR NOT (2019). I was pretty fucking drunk. I hit this Mexican spot called Frontera Grill, had some margaritas and then I was off to the show!

I was really looking forward to this flick and feared my expectations were too high.  Thankfully, I had nothing to be afraid of. This movie was fan-fucking-tastic!

READY OR NOT opens on Grace’s (Samara Weaving) wedding day to Alex Le Domas (Mark O’Brien).  The Le Domas family is wealthy and very weird.  Grace is determined to make nice with them as she was raised in foster homes and is desperate to feel as though she’s part of a real family.  Alex didn’t even want to get married, but he did it to make her happy….even though it could kill her. Fuck Alex!

After the ceremony, Grace is told that she has to choose a card that has the name of a specific game on it. The Le Domas dynasty was built on games they produced. Think of them like an illuminati Milton Bradley or Hasbro.  Grace is happy to jump in and play, but Alex isn’t happy about it. Grace doesn’t know the game is a ritual and the card she chooses could be her death sentence.

The Le Domas family believes that the ghost responsible for the family’s wealth demands that they murder a newcomer into the family when the Hide-and-Seek card is chosen from the deck. If they fail, the entire family will perish.  As long as she doesn’t choose the Hide-and-Seek card, she’s all set. It’s just a regular ol’ game of checkers or chess. Of course, we all know which card she picks.

At first, Grace thinks all she has to do is hide so she chucks herself in a dumbwaiter.  She gets bored and is ready to be purposely found when Alex jumps her from behind and pulls her into a secret pathway behind the walls. He tells her that his fam are planning to murder her by dawn after performing a satanic ritual on her.

He goes to shut down security on the house so the doors open allowing her to leave as she begins attempting a getaway. Of course, the family finds her and it’s a cat & mouse game thru the majority of the flick – but it’s so much fun.  It’s like CLUE (1985) on crack.

Now truth-be-told, I fucking hated Alex. I told my sister. “That guy is a dipshit!”  I wanted Grace with Alex’s brother Daniel (Adam Brody).  Dan is a drunk, but he’s got a conscience. He hates his family, but considers himself too weak to stand up to them. His father Tony (Henry Czerny) treats him like a black sheep. His mother Becky (Andie MacDowell) isn’t all that much better as she dotes on Alex and initially compliments the fuck out of Grace, while treating poor Dan like shit. Imma want to hug Daniel!

Also, Daniel’s wife is a cunt. Her name is Charity (Elyse Levesque) and she’s only with Dan for the money. Grace doesn’t care about the Le Domas green. It intimidates the fuck out of her. She just wants to have a family connection. Grace is a good person…and she’s gorgeous! RAWR RAWR

Charity looks good on the outside but she’s wicked on the inside. She’s ready to murder Grace just because she grew up hard and without money. She’s so desperate to hold onto the rocks that she got, that she forgot how to be Charity from the block. I hate Charity – and so does Daniel.

Why couldn’t Daniel and Grace be together? She’s smart, kind, sexy and blonde. RAWR RAWR  He’s broken, but a decent person. He’s also super fine and sort of goes hero rescuer when the chips are down. He’s not always rescuing the damsel-in-distress, but he never REALLY tries to kill her. He lets her go and in the end is a man with an amazing heart! Fuck Alex. Fuck Charity.  Daniel is my boy! Imma love him.

In the end, there’s a magnificent showdown between the family and Grace that is hilariously gory and fabulously insane.

This film was so much goddamn fun! When I told my bro about it, he said “the trailer made it look too artsy.”  He thought it was going to be pretentious. I can assure you all that it is NOT pretentious. It is over-the-top and crazy.  It’s like CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012) meets SHAUN OF THE DEAD (2004) with a little bit of an evil version of THE ADDAMS FAMILY (1964) thrown in.  It’s a bunch of my favorite things combined and I loved it! I want to see it again!

First, Weaving is fabulous as our brilliant protagonist, our sexy heroine and our Goddess femme warrior who rocks, rolls and rumbles without missing a beat. I love her!

Everyone did fabulous in their roles. Nicky Guadagni cracked me as Aunt Helene. The looks on her face and the absolute evil that corrupted her every move is so much fun to watch. She’s a cartoon villain and has a dark history that explains why.

Andie MacDowell also kicked ass as mommy. Becky has a fem nurturing side, but she’s psychotic and the way her motherly instinct kicks in is beyond bizarre.  Much of it is out of self-preservation and family honor, but the illogical rationale of Becky when confronting Grace is hilarious. She’s offended that Grace is fighting for her life so successfully and the fight between the two is hilariously bonkers.

Not only the women shined in the flick though. The boyz brought their A game too. O’Brien did great as Alex. There’s a lot of foreshadowing going on with his character.  Conversations when Alex is tied to the bed and near unconscious are far more significant than they appear.  Alex’s mindset and his subtle ambiguous demeanor are necessary and O’Brien does give these minor nods to the camera that make for some great plot point connections later on. I won’t reveal them because I’d spoil shit, but just pay attention.

Henry Czerny made me laugh throughout. He portrayed Tony as a spineless and cowardly patriarch.  He’d pretend to be alpha, but the moment anything went south, he’d become a bitch. It was Becky and Helene who had to roll up their sleeves and get things done.

Lastly, Adam Brody as poor Daniel was my favorite.  Brody showed such a soft and human side to Dan. Up against all these essential cartoon characters, that heart meant all the much more.  It’s impossible not to root for Daniel. Screw his wife. Screw the rest of his family, but Daniel is a good boy who just saw some crazy ass nonsense when he was a kid. He needs a hug! Imma want to hug him.

So yeah, to summarize:  I’m 40! Happy Birthday to me.  I saw READY OR NOT. I loved it. You should probably go see it too.

Scared Stiff Reviews: 8/10

The post Ready or Not (2019) – Horror Movie Review (Samara Weaving, Mark O’Brien, Adam Brody) appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Melissa Antoinette Garza

MIDSOMMAR (2019) is the best feminist anthem since THE STEPFORD WIVES (1975).  It isn’t only that. It has a great story, fabulous characters, phenomenal acting, a terrific pace and some freaky moments that viewers will find jarring.   Still as a woman, the approach to feminism, freedom and finding oneself is what speaks to me the most.

The movie opens with Dani (Florence Pugh) who is desperately worried about her bipolar sister who left an ominous email to her. She calls her boyfriend Fucktard Christian (Jack Reynor) for support but he’s just a dick. He invalidates all of her feelings, makes her feel like shit and then actually has the audacity to think he’s doing a good job as a boyfriend. Fuck that guy! He sucks. Fuck him and all of his friends except Swedish boy Pelle (Villhelm Blomgren). RAWR RAWR Pelle. I like him a whole fucking lot. I like him and his commune.

So, Fucktard Christian is wrong and Dani’s sister killed herself and their parents.  Now, Dani is a wreck. This would be a fabulous time for the brainless boy-toy to start acting like a decent human being, but he doesn’t. He still picks fights with her. He doesn’t even tell her that he’s going to the commune where Pelle’s family lives in Sweden. Then when she inadvertently finds out, he makes her apologize for confronting him about the secrecy. God, I hate this douche.  I know that’s the point, but still. I fucking hate him!

Dani ends up going along with the trip much to the chagrin of Fucktard’s shitbag friend Mark (Will Poulter).  Mark keeps trying to influence Fucktard to leave Dani  – probably because he hasn’t ever gotten laid in his life and is jealous. Have I mentioned I hate Mark?

In all honesty, Fucktard’s friend Josh (William Jackson Harper) isn’t that bad. He’s going to Sweden for his anthropology thesis and has good intentions, but he doesn’t respect the people he researches at all. He doesn’t abide by their requests and they don’t ask much. Basically, he lacks some morals but he’s worlds above Fucktard and Shitbag.  I don’t know why he hangs out with those clowns.

So Dani is excited to go and tries to put on a brave face. Every time she breaks down crying, she doesn’t feel comfortable doing it in front of people and runs to a bathroom to get herself together. I get that. If I start crying in public, I’ll punch myself in the arm so I stop. I hate crying. It’s a chick thing.  I know dudes don’t like crying either, but guys aren’t accused of trying to manipulate a situation in the way women are. Yeah, other guys may razz them for being weak and that sucks. Fuck those alpha male wannabes. They all have small dicks and wouldn’t know a real man if they saw one, but it’s still different for women.  Often men can yell, get pissed off and it’s cool and just as often women can’t cry without being accused of using it for gain or to win an argument. That’s bullshit.  Fuck that noise.

Anyways, Sexy Sexy Pelle is the one who planned this trip. It’s his hometown and it’s an awesome matriarchal commune. I’d live there – at least until I was 71.  At 72, you have to go and jump to your death and I’m not crazy about that idea. It looked painful – but otherwise, I’m in like Flynn.

So Pelle is the only dude that’s happy Dani is tagging along for the trip. He was raised right! His parents actually died, left him an orphan and he was taken in by this group. Some people would call them a cult. I see it as just a cool community that I’d like to chill in.  They relax and get one with nature. They celebrate femininity, dance and are just a bunch of cool peeps who once in awhile have to kill a few bitches. I like them.

Pelle likes them too and wants Dani to embrace the community and culture. Though friends with Fucktard and Shitbag, he sees their true colors and knows Dani deserves better.  He could fit that role and wants to. He offers himself to her as someone who would hold her up and not bring her down.   He’s also worlds sexier than Fucktard.

So, the commune is hosting a 7 day mid-summer festival. Things start off cool enough. They trip on some shrooms and everyone seems nice, but soon things take a crazy turn. Two of the elders walk off a cliff and die thus making Dani have PTSD flashbacks of her family’s death.  Is Fucktard there to help her thru it? NO. That jackass doesn’t even remember her birthday.  Do you know who does remember her birthday?  Pelle does.  Have I mentioned how much I love Pelle?  Pelle and Dani would make such a nice couple!

Despite the violent demise of the elders, Dani still tries to jump in to the activities and enjoy the trip. She’s a trooper and she’s strong. She doesn’t know that because everyone around her makes her feel weak and confused. She feels out-of-control but that’s because she’s trying to be what Fucktard wants her to be and she can’t. She’s too raw and too real and too amazing to ever fit in the box that he wants to put her in.

Soon, she is embraced by the commune and takes to it. She finds a bit of happiness here and there and then it grows. She sees the oneness of nature and the beauty of all that is feminine. She embraces their culture and cooks in the kitchen with the other fems. She dances with them and wears the clothing whereas the men defile, use and abuse the people and the surroundings. They don’t give a fuck about the rules, about nature or about simply respecting those around them – except Pelle.  Pelle is  stellar.

Dani’s journey is a remarkable one and I love it. I love it so much. She finds her inner strength and the beauty that is within her shines so brightly. The conclusion is a fitting one and it makes me happy.

So often movies try to convey feminism as women acting in stereotypical masculine ways and that’s bullshit. They fight and swear and scream and fuck hard without emotion. True femininity is sometimes actually looked at as sexist when portrayed in films. I’ll never understand how masculinity is looked at as feminism and femininity is viewed as sexism, but then again there’s a lot about this world I don’t fucking get.

That said, MIDSOMMAR gets it! It understands how significant the fem role is to society and how denying one’s core primal instincts can break them. Only giving in to those instincts will allow them to be free. Now, I’m not saying all women are feminine. I’m all for a badass chick, who can roll with the boys, but the fem mind should still be celebrated and not cast aside as wrong or bad or without merit. Here it was society’s pressure for Dani to just go with the flow and not show her emotions or feelings that made her crazy. When she hit the commune and embraced it fully allowing her matriarchal powers to blossom, she ruled the roost and owned that shit. I loved it. I love her character and I love the way she was portrayed. More than anything I love how much women were celebrated in this movie.

The parallels to THE WICKER MAN (1973) are 100% justified, but don’t let anyone tell you it’s a rip-off. This movie stands on its own and is unique in so many ways. Though the storyline may be a familiar one, the execution and the characters are something brand new and it’s fucking brilliant.

Go see this movie.

Go see this movie.

Also, on an unrelated note: Go see this movie.

Scared Stiff Rating: 9/10

The post Midsommar (2019) – Horror Movie Review (Florence Pugh, Jack Reynor, Villhelm Blomgren) appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Melissa Antoinette Garza

Hold on.

I’ll get to the review in one minute. I’m gonna rock out to the Ramones first because Missy is still a motherfucking Punk Rocker!

I don’t want to be buried in a Pet Sematary! I don’t want to live my life again! 

Fucking hell was Joey Ramone amazing! When I die, I’m going to chill on his cloud for more than a minute. I love that cat.

And speaking of cats….. (seamless segway) onto the review of the PET SEMATARY (2019) remake or reimagining or whatever other groovy label these Hollywood types apply to flicks like this. I liked it.  Really!  I know.  I’ve heard so many horrible reviews, but I liked it.

That said, Stephen King isn’t sacred territory for me the way he is for other horror fans. He’s great. He’s fab. He writes amazing stuff, but I don’t mind liberties being taken with his work. Now, I’m not saying the film is perfect. IT (2017) was far better, but I like the original IT (1990) better than the original PET SEMATARY (1989) too. I think I just prefer that angle and story.

Still, going in with zero expectations definitely helped me. The film opens with Dr. Louis (Jason Clarke) uprooting his family from Boston, MA to Ludlow, VT so that he can have a calmer life. Damn, does that dude have shit for luck!

His wife Rachel (Amy Seimetz) has some baggage. She blames herself for her sister’s death. It’s complicated. Rachel has horrible PTSD, but doesn’t really deal with it and has emotional breakdowns. The move only makes matters worse.

Why did they have to move on sour land? I’m Cherokee. My peeps tried to warn these honkys. (It’s okay, I’m a good portion white too so I can say that word) They didn’t listen.

Rachel and Louis have two kids. Baby Gage (Hugo/Lucas Lavoie) and Ellie (Jeté Laurence). In Vermont, Ellie decides to go into the woods where she finds a pet cemetery that has a misspelled sign. She had seen a strange funeral procession earlier and curiosity got the best of her.

It is there that she meets Jud (John Lithgow). He’s a fine old dude who takes a liking to Ellie. He lives alone and is lonely. Ellie is a little ray of sunshine and so he tries to protect her.

Later, the family cat Church is killed by a stupid truck. Poor Church. He was a good cat! Jud doesn’t want to see Ellie hurt so he encourages Louis to bring the kitty to a place beyond the pet cemetery. He does and Church comes back.

Celebrate good times! Come on!

Oh wait, Church is a bit different than he was.  He’s a bit testy about being buried and killed and all that jazz.  Also, he might just be some crazy demon and not really Church inside. Still, I have to say – I love Demon Kitty! He’s cool shit.

Church ends up getting Ellie killed. Now, I know Gage is typically the kid to change and that hit a bunch of people the wrong way. I don’t know. I don’t care; daughter or son – whatevs. Just bring on the devil child and it’s all gravy.

Devastated, Louis sends Rachel and Gage to stay with family. He’s got plans – bad plans – really really bad plans, but plans.

Jud tries to tell Louis not to bring Ellie back to life, but he’s not hearing it. He drugs Jud and digs up his daughter. He then puts her corpse in the sour ground and bing bam boom, Ellie’s back!

Celebrate good times! Come on!

Oh fuck! Not again.  You know how Church wasn’t the same when he came back. Well, what do you know? Jud was right. This was NOT a good idea! Ellie is ready to fuck shit up. She has a murderous rage. The good news is that both her and Church have a lot in common now and they get along famously. Well, I thought that was good news – no pleasing everyone, I suppose.

I won’t spoil the ending though I’m sure many of you already know the score. That said, the conclusion was pretty funny. I’m not sure it intended to be but I was laughing.

Overall, PET SEMATARY (2019) was decent. I enjoyed it. This story always reminded me of the old anthology DEAD OF NIGHT (1977). There’s one tale where a neglectful woman’s son drowns and she wishes him back. When he returns, he’s very different. I wonder if King was inspired by that? In all honesty, I like DEAD OF NIGHT better but that could be because deep down I’m a showoff that likes to brag about knowing more obscure titles.  Oh wait… I mean I’m a horror aficionado. Yeah – that’s it. Sure, whatever gets you off!

Seriously though, I’d give this a shot.  My main grievance is that they didn’t use the Ramones version of the song. The new version is fine, but it’s the Ramones! You know – as in the RAMONES!

Beyond the song, it’s a fun flick with good acting. The kids do fine. John Lithgow is still the man after all these years. For such an iconic character in horror, he does well with his performance and interpretation of Jud. Everyone did splendid!

It’s kind of a boring review when I don’t have anything really bad to say. Well – I’m sorry to have wasted your time.  At least, I played you The Ramones.  That’s gotta count for something.

As for the flick- just try it and you might like it!

Scared Stiff Rating: 6.5/10 

The post Pet Sematary (2019) – Horror Movie Review (Jason Clarke, Amy Seimetz, John Lithgow, Jeté Laurence) appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

By Melissa Antoinette Garza

Alexandre Aja, oh how I love thee.  His directing style and his writing skills speak to me on every level. I wish he made every horror remake. The film world would be a far better place. Where other directors hold back, he revs it up. In a time when everyone was PC crazy, he went hardcore raw. He’s old school dark with a modern twist.

In THE HILLS HAVE EYES (2006), he takes a familiar story and a cult classic smash then turns it into something new, insane, intense and fucking splendid. I love this movie! I loved it when I first saw it in 2006. I loved it every year since. I still love it!

Though many would disagree, it’s both a feminist anthem and a story of male comradeship. Beyond that, it conveys how significant a compromise of one’s ethics can be. In it we see the protagonists adopting vastly different philosophical stances than they had in the beginning of the flick because of the horrific circumstances they’re thrown into. It’s heavy, smart and human.

The film begins with right-wing, republican gun-enthusiast Big Bob (Ted Levine) taking his family on a trip into the desert.  In the car with him is his dutiful housewife Ethel (Kathleen Quinlan) and his daughters teenage Brenda (Emilie de Ravin) and twenty-something Lynn (Vinessa Shaw).

Trailing behind in a small attached camper is their beloved two dogs, Lynn’s passive liberal husband Doug (Aaron Stanford), their infant baby Catherine (Maisie Camilleri Preziosi) and Bob and Ethel’s teenage son Bobby (Dan Byrd).  Bobby tries to fit in with both Doug and Bob. He has a love of guns and the outdoors. He wants to impress his dad, but he also has a softer more sensitive side. He’s the in-between.

The male archetypes shown are extremely important. We have Bob who is the alpha male. He is the epitome of masculinity. Picture Dirty Harry and Major Dad having a baby, and that would be Big Bob.

Doug is the more modern man. He’s not a fem boy, but he isn’t a full masc either. Doug begins as an elitist liberal who looks down on men like Big Bob.In fairness, the feelings are more than mutual.  As Doug views Bob as a Neanderthal, Bob views Doug as a pussy. Doug isn’t into guns and doesn’t know how to work with his hands. He tries to fix a broken AC in the trailer, but can’t. Bobby Jr. can though; and it is Bobby who struggles within the philosophies of both of the other men.

Bobby is still very much a boy who stands in the corner of anyone he’s in the room with. He has no backbone at the start. He’s too afraid of being a man because he can’t live up to his father’s image and also doesn’t want to look badly in Doug’s eyes. Instead of taking the best out of both approaches, he takes the worst.  It’s not because he’s a bad guy, but he’s just a kid looking for the approval of those he looks up to.

Bob goes to a gas station where the owner (Tom Bower) offers an off-the-map shortcut. The route only leads to a booby-trap set up by the hill people. In the middle of nowhere, the truck gets totaled. Doug gets pissed at Bob as there’s no cell service and they are virtually screwed. Leaving the girls, the baby and Bobby behind, Doug and Bob take different paths to try and find help.

At this point, they don’t know that there are a band of mutants watching them. They’re not friendly. Years ago, the mutants were regular miners who refused to leave the area during government chemical war testing. Their appearance and physical anomalies are the result of this Agent Orange manner of attacks. The gross ass villains see themselves as victims. Fuck them. I hate them. I usually side with the bad guys, but this is one flick I want every one of them killed and then killed again. They hurt animals.

Early on, one of Bob’s dogs gets out while the men are gone. When Bobby goes looking for him, he finds the pup cut opened and dead. Poor dog! He decides to keep it to himself because he doesn’t want to scare anyone. Once again, he’s torn and doesn’t know how to be a man. He’s taking on too much and is ready to crack. He eventually does.

Bob meanwhile goes back to the gas station and is the first casualty when his DEATH WISH (1974) Paul Kersey attempts at being a badass backfires.

Doug returns home and Bobby finally tells him and Lynn about the dog. They don’t know what’s really going on until it’s too late. They see Big Bob crucified on fire while Brenda and Lynn are sexually assaulted by the mutants.

Now, this is a graphic scene and one that spawned a shitload of controversy. Even now, when watching with my husband Steve, he despised it. I disagree. I think it was necessary and I commend Aja for having the balls to go so far with it. He showed the ugliness of rape and didn’t romanticize it. Did he get kudos for that? No.

Afterwards, Brenda goes through several different breakdowns because of it. She isn’t suddenly Wonder Woman because she was raped. Many films will make sexual assault a catalyst for strength without showing the steps that preceded it. Aja took great care to show the steps. If not for Bobby helping her thru it and standing up as a brother, she may have not made it. He offered her emotional support. His soft side came in handy and in many ways helped save his sister’s sanity if not her life. Through that and despite her fear, Brenda comes to play. She finds the inner resolve to fight back and fuck a mutant or two up. She’s done. She’s been hurt, but not broken. I love her character.

In the beginning, Brenda is so vain. When everyone else is running around because they’re stranded, she’s sunbathing. She’s immature and silly. She’s a fem with an attitude, who isn’t that big on the trip. She becomes a woman when shit gets real and she has no choice. It takes Catherine being kidnapped and the instinct of self-preservation, but the evolution occurs. It’s a splendid watch.

Another avenue explored was maternal instinct. When Brenda is being raped, it is Lynn who runs back into the trailer to save her.  She sacrifices herself and her body for her sister and child. Her nurturing side extends beyond her infant and to her sister. In an earlier scene, Lynn offers Brenda some sibling advice. It’s a nice scene between the two gals and it solidifies their bond later on so when Lynn comes in ready to do whatever it takes, you understand fully the sentiment. It’s a disturbing scene. I won’t deny it, but it’s well-done and makes it a far more horrifying experience.

Doug is left with the task of making the biggest change. He’s on his own. Big Bob is dead. Katherine has been kidnapped. He’s seen a lot of death. His passivity will not work with the mutants, but neither did Bob’s aggressiveness. It has to be something in the middle.

When things are at a fever-pitch and the survivors are scared, Bobby jumps on Doug. It’s my favorite scene. Bobby emotionally and passionately criticizes Doug for not going after the mutants. Bobby’s instincts are to grab a gun and go out blazing, but Doug knows that’s a suicide mission. He wants his daughter back more than anything. He’ll die to get her back, but they need a plan. Bobby thinks Doug is just being a coward. It’s such a great scene and both actors sell the fuck out of it. I love it.

In Doug’s evolution, we see the meeting of the minds. You need both brawn and brains. Sometimes you can’t call someone to fix it for you, so you need to know how to fix shit yourself. That said, you still need to chill before you act. You need to think. You can’t just try to be a ninja killer when you’re outnumbered and surrounded in an unfamiliar environment by a pscyho misfit gang who know the surroundings well. It didn’t work for Big Bob. The mutants aren’t going to negotiate. They aren’t going to set up a business meeting with Doug, so the passive and laid back modern man needs to dig deep. His usual tactics are useless. Therefore the evolution is a forced one but something that is spectacularly done.

Again, I love this movie. I hear people say it’s anti-woman. Bullshit.  I hear them say it’s too violent.  Bullshit. It is necessarily dark, twisted and insane. This is the closest we have to a modern 1970s drive-in flick.

Aja brought his A-game and I love it more than the original.  Let me say that again, I love this more than Wes Craven’s flick. This is a brilliant movie. It’s fabulous.

The cast was phenomenal and the production is beyond great.

Admittedly, this is a hard find. I had to buy it from a used DVD shop, but it’s worth it.  Get it. Get it now.

Scared Stiff Rating: 9/10

The post The Hills Have Eyes (2006) – Movie Review Alexandre Aja, Kathleen Quinlan, Ted Levine, Aaron Stanford, Vinessa Shaw, Dan Byrd, Emilie de Ravin appeared first on SCARED STIFF REVIEWS.

As a lover of 60’s and 70s horror I wasn’t sure if I’d like this homage or not. As of late, parodies seem to be mean-spirited about the work they are poking fun of. Rather than celebrating camp for the outrageousness it was fully aware of being, the tone is often one of, “look how stupid everyone was back then.” I feared this would be of that ilk and stayed away until someone I have shared interests with mentioned enjoying it.

I’m glad I ventured to Prime to check it out. I needed a fem goddess mindset and this flick is directed, produced and written by one. Anna Biller creates a celebration of feminine beauty and a recognition of the powers and prowess that live within the female form. There are a few moments that gave me pause, but most just brought me pleasure.

Leading the cast is Samantha Robinson. She portrays Elaine, a witch who is looking for love. She uses potions and spells to bring forth many lovers. When things don’t work out, the body count begins to rise.

Samantha first goes straight to her friend and fellow witch, Barbara’s (Jennifer Ingrum) apartment. It’s temporarily vacant and she’s been given the go ahead to stay there. Trish (Laura Waddell) welcomes her to the place and shows her around. The two women go out for tea and Trish is a bit taken aback by Elaine’s philosophy on men and love.

Elaine is openly addicted to love and believes the way to a man is thru sex. She believes when in love to give it over as often as the guy wants it regardless if it’s your kick or not. Trish, who is married tries to add a different perspective. She says if she were to put out every time the mood struck her husband Richard (Robert Seeley) that she’d be a wreck. She goes on to explain that Elaine’s mindset is one influenced by the patriarchy. All Elaine takes away from this is poor Richard isn’t getting laid enough.

I love Elaine. She’s purposefully misunderstood by every character. Both the male characters and Trish don’t get it. Elaine isn’t controlled. She’s the controller. She’s the dominatrix. She’s playing a role that she enjoys playing and if her partner doesn’t fulfill her kicks, there are deadly consequences.

I believe Biller wants us to have a bit of disdain for Elaine as some of the dialogue is intentionally sexist. For example, after bedding Wayne (Jeffrey Vincent Parise), she talks about how he’s a “pussy” and acting “like a girl.” I get it. The sexist ideals that society perpetuates manifested in an extreme way that controls Elaine’s behavior or, and hear me out, everyone has kicks. That’s it. It’s kicks.

Wayne, who is the first victim that we have a real introduction to, is an idiot. He is led around by his dick and has unrealistic ideas about what a woman is or should be. He trashes the other women he was with previously for wanting to jump into a monogamous relationship though on day one he wants to lock Elaine down. He is blind to Elaine’s games and ignores every red flag so that he could get his dick wet. He’s a pretentious douche who blabbers like a dummy when a pretty girl smiles at him. He’s the ex-husband of every girlfriend you said “don’t marry that guy” to.

Elaine is admittedly a murderer. She’s crazy. She’s a minx who jumps Richard’s bones and puts him under her spell the moment that Trish goes out of town. Maybe if Trish wasn’t so judgemental, Elaine would have respected boundaries a bit more. Not to mention, Richard broke his vows. He’s the dick.

We learn that Elaine’s father and husband were both abusive assholes. Pretty much most men in this are assholes. They’re sexist, derogatory and just talk a lot of shit. It’s this sort of negative reinforcement that created the Elaine we see today.

Wayne’s body is soon found by Officer Griff (Gian Keys) who becomes Elaine’s truest love thus far. The two embark on a relationship which is tested when Griff finds out the truth. His decisions on her freedom are the catalyst to the conclusion.

Overall, this movie is a good one. I love the fem cast. I love the look, the colors and the fun.

The only thing I disliked was a tone of superiority that I felt the film was trying to convey. There were moments that Elaine was made to be stupid for no reason. For example she says she has two words to say but says “Perfect Love and Perfect Trust.” Come on. Give her some credit. I know it was done for laughs, but it’s just an insult to women and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bug me more because it was written and directed by a woman.

That’s me nitpicking. I OBVIOUSLY don’t think Biller hates women (evident by me referring her to a fem goddess). I think she hates men who make women feel as though they have to do anything. She hates the manipulation and bullshit. Most women and many men agree with that sentiment.

Still, I love to play and once in awhile I get the feeling that this movie hates women who play. I’m among the mindset that a woman can be a dominatrix on Monday and a sex kitten on Tuesday. You don’t have to be. You can be a librarian nun 365. Everyone has kicks! None are evil. None are wrong. The issue arises when a man tries to dictate the way in which a woman dresses or acts or behaves. My thoughts are that most likely Biller agrees with me on this, but the message gets a bit muddled within the context of the film.

One scene in particular was the burlesque scene where a woman is shown doing a routine as a male character talks about how empowering it is. It’s clear that the man is a manipulative douche so the indication would be that what he is saying about women and their sexuality is wrong – but most of it isn’t. Maybe it shouldn’t be coming from him and maybe he’s using the premise of sexualized feminism to fulfill his own desires, but that doesn’t take away from the merit of the words spoken. Women can be naked. They can be free. They can have sex. They can fantasy role-play and they can still be worthy of love and be badass feminists.

Even with those issues, I loved this flick. I don’t think it was trying to be mean-spirited. It’s very funny, it’s dark, twisted and has the 60s flare that I love.

Watch it. Enjoy it for what it is. Just try to ignore any anti-fem annoyances. There’s only a few of them, but they still sting.

Scared Stiff Rating: 7/10

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By Melissa Antoinette Garza

After being thoroughly disappointed with THE NUN (2018), I decided to go in for a sure bet  I knew ALUCARDA (1977) was just what I needed to regain my faith in religious horror flicks. It’s a naughty little crazy flick that though didn’t get much attention at the time of release has found a large cult following as of late.

The film begins with a young woman giving her child to an orphanage to save her. Once the child is gone, the mother is seen being terrorized by a demonic statue.

Years later, Alucarda (Tina Romero) the baby who was given up is now a grown woman in her late teens. She was never adopted and remains at an orphanage operated by nuns in their convent.

Alucarda is a lovely fem with a great temperament. She dresses all in black and has beautiful long dark locks that fall far beyond her shoulders. She is thrilled when Justine (Susana Kamini) arrives as a new resident. Justine only recently lost her parents and is dire need of a friend. Alucarda fills that role and quite a bit more.

The women immediately hit it off. They go frolicking in the woods together and romantically roll around a field on their very first encounter. While out, they witness the funeral of a nun being carried away. The girls share a few existential words regarding death where Alucarda states everyone has to die in a matter-of-fact manner that borderlines on eerie.

Deeper in the woods, they are approached by a hunchback gypsy (Claudio Brook) who Justine is automatically weary of. Alucarda isn’t and they both follow him to his camp. Alucarda buys an amulet, but does get emotional when the hunchback says a few remarks that hit close to home.

The girls run off and find a mausoleum. Justine is scared but Alucarda takes her by the hand and the two enter. Alucarda reveals that she is in love with Justine. Justine shares the sentiment and the two nearly take a blood oath that if ever one dies the other will follow. Justine pulls away and Alucarda opens a coffin revealing a zombie.

Horrific groans from the dead overtake the place and both girls run back to the convent. The gals are under some sort of possession and when Alucarda is placed in charge of watching over Justine, the gypsy appears in their room and brings them to a lovely satanic ceremony filled with an orgy of occult fun for everyone. They complete their blood oath death pact and find all sorts of glorious enjoyment with one another.

The next day at school, their possession takes over once again and they cut off a nun to declare their alliance to Satan. Why didn’t girls like that go to my school? I probably would have had friends. I want to yell at uptight nuns.

It’s important to note that though the women in this feature are portraying teenagers, they were well into their 20s and they look it. Kudos to director Juan López Moctezuma for keeping the creep out of the sleaze! He does nothing to make the gals look the age they are meaning to convey. Though the age of the characters is mentioned for storytelling purposes, the actresses are full fem goddess and the filmmakers ensure you know it. God, I loved how the 70s used nuanced themes and entrusted that their viewers had a modicum of intelligence and could differentiate fact from fiction. I long for those days.

After their class outburst, Justine doesn’t remember what she said. She thought she was just repeating what the teach said and is confused when it’s something else.. Alucarda is more alert to the whole possession thing.

Justine gets sick and a doctor is sent to check in on her. The nuns surround her but when she sees a cross hanging from the sister’s neck she freaks out before losing consciousness.

Alucarda goes into confession and attacks Father Lázaro (David Silva) in full possessed mode. She tells him that her and Justine have a blood oath and that she doesn’t fear death.

Asshole Lázaro grabs a cat whip and fucks the nuns up something awful for penance since evil found its way into the church. I hate that douche. He ends up having Alucarda and Justine put on crosses in a ceremony he performs. He has one dude strip Justine naked in efforts to find a Satanic mark. Alucarda’s love for Justine overwhelms her and even while hoisted on the cross, she swears she’ll kill them for hurting her lover. Some monk then strikes Alucarda and knocks her out.

The asshole church murders the poor woman who is at that point so tired and resolved that she barely cries out when she is punctured again and again with a knife. The nuns writhe around on the floor like cats in heat as Justine is killed, but yeah – Satan is the villain. 

Doctor Oszek (Claudio Brook) stops the ceremony before they can kill Alucarda. He admonishes the church’s superstitious and perverse ways before grabbing Alucarda and leaving.

Upon waking, Alucarda is devastated to learn about Justine. Oszek’s blind daughter Daniela (Lili Garza) comes out to comfort her. The two have an attraction and Alucarda asks Daniela to stay with her. The two cuddle.

Oszek is summoned back to the convent and reluctantly he agrees to go. The entire place is vandalized and he is told that Justine’s body was stolen. The doc is disgusted by them but agrees to lie and say that Justine’s death was an accident now that they must involve the authorities. On his way out, another corpse is found that has been burned to death. He brings the body down to the the priest. It begins moving as it is possessed. The doc, being a man of science, is in disbelief. He watches as Lázaro chops up the body and then questions it. He’s told the devil went thru the body and now Justine is on the loose. Oszek jumps in ready to help only to learn Alucarda is possessed too. Fearing for his daughter’s safety he runs back home to find Alucarda has her.

The film culminates in a religious battle where I’m all in for Alucarda. She’s like CARRIE (1976), Damien from THE OMEN (1979) and Countess Bathory (Delphine Seyrig) from DAUGHTERS OF DARKNESS (1971) combined. She’s strong, sensitive, feminine and fearless. She’s poetic, intelligent and profoundly beautiful. She’s everything you want in a lead femme fatale.  Tina Romero shines in the lead. She brings every multi-faceted aspect of Alucarda to life.

Susana Kamini also stood strong as the compassionate but still fiercely loyal Justine. She showed a level of softness to the character that was needed. It helped bring out the sympathetic aspect to Alucarda and allowed the viewer to become invested in their near immediate blossoming relationship.

Lastly, I NEVER knew until writing this review that the hunchback gypsy and the doc were both portrayed by Claudio Brook.  They are so opposite of one another in every way from appearance to mannerism and style that I just never saw it. When I noticed it listed on IMDB, I took a look at the pics side by side and was like, “How have I never noticed this?”  Brook was fabulous as well. As the doc, he expertly showed the devolution from a devoted man of science to one guided by religious fervor and extremes.

Seriously, it is just fantastic from start-to-finish.  This is one of the best religious horror films available. It’s gory, sexy, fun and scary. The cast is amazing and the fem beauty is of epic proportions.  Currently, it’s on YOUTUBE for free so no need to pony up or fish out your DVDS.  Watch it for free while it lasts.

Scared Stiff Rating: 8/10

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